Vol. 88, No. 6
Hellmouth, Arizona
Feb. 10, 1988

In the financially-bloated and hyperspeed world of international animal trading, a world in which jumping spider monkeys and redfaced macaroons are viewed only as dollar signs, and giant mouse lemurs only as profit, the name of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation has sunk below the disreputable.  It has come to symbolize the very essence of shoddy and underhanded dealings, to represent all that is sleazy and unwholesome.  All those decent folk who simply want to use animals for legitimate purposes have been repeatedly shocked by stories of backroom bargains and long harrowing ocean voyages, flights on planes with improperly-functioning navigational equipment, cages without sufficient ventilation and not nearly enough bananas.  Is there anywhere a twirpy teen or a grizzled grandmother who has not heard the name of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation from the hysterically-bleating and ill-mannered newsdogs of the local Daily Describer?  Is there anywhere a primatologist who doesn't wince when someone happens to mention the name of Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief, or a hard-eyed sheriff who doesn't get misty at the thought of the Nooz's former owners, the Foundation for the Preservation of Law and Order and the Study of Primatology?
          Now, suddenly, we're stopped in our tracks.  We're dead in the water, hanging by our thumbs, and looking around at our friends and colleagues in astonishment.  All the charges against the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation have been dropped, and we here at Primate Nooz, from the slowest-moving and dullest-witted copyboy to the mightiest editor and even up to publisher Arnett Putney, III, and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., have been forced to bite our collective lips.


(AP)  Los Angeles, Ca.  Last year's discovery, only now confirmed, of a fossil 'ape-man' in the black glop of the La Brea Tar Pits has stunned the local paleontological world, according to George Jefferson of the world-renowned Page Museum.  “Frankly,” he mused from the oak-lined recesses of his plush computer-filled office, “I was stunned.”  The discovery was made in Pit 91, which was immediately closed to the public. At first, it was thought to be a camel humerus, but Jefferson's sharp eyes correctly identified it as a hominid fossil.  Fossil ape-men have been found before, but not in the Tar Pits. The find was kept secret until now to avoid upsetting anyone.

Primate Nooz is published biweekly (with three  issues in July) by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo  and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Asia, Africa and South America.  Back issues may be obtained by writing: Primate Nooz Back Issue Department,  Harry's Tiny Trailer Town, Hellmouth,  AZ.
(UPI)  Libreville, Gabon.  Barely thirty-six years, eleven months and fourteen days after having been lost up the dreaded and guppy-infested Ivindo River, world renowned Nordic scientist-explorers Leif Englanberg and Olaf Petersen are missing again, and this time they may be in real trouble. The two now-aging yet apparently still chipper primatologists from Iceland vanished last Thursday morning while reportedly searching the Ipipwi Forest for signs of the fabled Golden Monkeys of Gabon. This species, Cercopithecus aurica, was sighted only once, in 1742, by the Baron Heimlich von Schnappeshausen, a distant relative of Gen. Johann Friedrich Battenburg von Gobbles-Schnappeshausen, now Director of the Munich Monkey Park.  The Baron just had time to jot down a few cursory notes about their peculiar habits and odd adaptations before he died of a heart attack.  In his well-received manuscript, Schnappeshausen's Guide to Tropical Forests, he described the Makanza Mountains where Englanberg and Petersen are said to have disappeared as a fault-ridden and little-known area much given to clouds and filled with dangerous predators such as the 'barber pole' python, the deadly ground shrew, various badgers, and the deermouse deer.
        Leif Englenberg's message service in Reykjavik said that
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