Page Two
It was cold and quiet that morning.  There was a touch of fog.  Roscue Spurl recalls rolling out of bed listening to the All-News Morning Music Show of KNUZ-FM.  Noodle Milhouse was buttering a muffin and watching “Prizes for Primates” on TV when he heard.  Uppie Sprouse had just finished her exercise routine, and Aubrey Mortwhistle was fixing his furnace again.  But however different their individual stories, what united them was that they all suddenly realized at exactly the same moment that they were living through what Hellmouth history would surely recognize and look back on as one of its blackest weeks. Was it a psychic pulse from the brilliant mind of the dying Win Wing Wan that alerted these four strangers and many others, or was it a news bulletin?  We probably will never know for certain, but one thing we do know is that now he is gone, and most of us didn't even get a chance to know him.
        Win Wing Wan's life lay over the green field of primatology like a giant comforter.  As a young man, he attended the Glorious Peoples' Struggle Monkey School in Shanghai and the Three Principles Primate Academy in Beijing, graduating with honors in 1954.  For the next four years he conducted field studies in Madagascar on various reluctant lemuroids.  Then until 1962 he worked with the tall and lanky Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn studying sulky tarsiers on Borneo. From 1962 to 1965 he was the Co-Chairman of the Primatology Department at Beijing University, and from 1965 to 1969 he worked in a Chinese laundry in Toupei.  In 1969 his fortunes changed and he was appointed Vice-Director of Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, moving up to Director in 1972, an office he occupied until he was fired in February of 1988.
        Other positions he held locally included Health Monitor for the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, Coach of the the Hellmouth Hellcats Monkey Toss Team, Primatology Advisor to former Mayor John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., and Honorary Chairman of the Antlered Animals Lodge Hall Annual Conference on Habitat Loss.  His publications are too numerous to list here, but he was particularly well-known for his article “The Inscrutable Tarsier: Just What the Heck Is It?” and for Monkeys, Monkeys, Monkeys, his textbook for undergraduate primatology courses.  He was also the editor in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz.  He had a wife, a grandmother, two sisters, a brother, four aunts, an uncle, twelve cousins, and six sons, Win Wing Win, Win Wang Win, Win Wang Wan, Win Win Wing, Win Win Wang and Win Win Win.  He will be missed.
200 Months Ago Today

        200 months ago today Win Wing Wan had just consolidated his position as the new Director of Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo by sending the former Director to take his place in a Chinese laundry in Toupei and acquiring Basil, the world's only bleary-eyed baboon, from a wildlife park in Finland.  Win immediately reorganized the zoo by moving every group of animals into the enclosure to their right, which led to some pretty hilarious results and not a few raised epicanthic folds among the visiting public.  The experiment was terminated after a week and the animals returned to their original enclosures.

        200 months ago today the world learned for the first time about Monkey Island Prison and the notorious and very evil-looking Commandant Dr. Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf, a former Boer terrorist who wears black felt patches over both eyes and carries a silver-handled bullwhip.  Dr. Grootegraaf spent many years chasing monkeys in South Africa, and was affiliated in some as-yet unclear way with the Wakkerstroom Primate Experiment Center in the Great Karoo, which was apparently closed in 1996.  Many letters were written to local papers protesting the facility, and the Nooz devoted an entire issue to it.

        200 months ago today the government of the tiny and unmapped African nation of Badongo-Gazimbi defied the opinion of the world and passed the so-called Monkey Laws, restricting the behavior and activities of all primates in the country and requiring them to be tagged at all times.  The laws also provided for foraging fees, nest permits and mating licenses, and led to a mass exodus of primates into the surrounding countries, a situation which has only been partially reversed two hundred months later after the revocation of most of the laws.

(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  In a joint announcement by the editorial staff and the Advisory Board of Primate Nooz this morning, it was revealed that the 'Recommended Reading' section lately vacated by the frozen Mr. Win Wing Wan will be taken over by his eldest son, Mr. Win Wing Win.  The younger man will be given an office in the new Nooz building as soon as it is built, sources said.  Win Wing Win only recently arrived on a slow boat from China and has been taking English lessons for the past several weeks at Sigsbee Junior Night College.  As far as the Nooz has been able to learn, Win Jr. has had no training whatsoever in primatology, and in fact just barely graduated from Dungzhou Lower School.  He will begin by using his father's notes while he brushes up his skills.

FREEZING Cont. from page 1.

Piet Mons Apeldoorn on the effects of oilberry beer on the mating behavior of sulky tarsiers at Kualakurun, and was the keynote speaker at the 1973 Great Apes and Lesser Primates Dinner held at Adudu, Badongo-Gazimbi.  His checkered career included such disparate activities as lecturing at the Malagasy Indri Institute and being a judge in the “Draw A Tarsier” Contest at Sigsbee Junior Night College, and took him all the way from the Glorious Peoples' Struggle Monkey School in Shanghai to a spacious office next to Christopher Shaw's on the top floor of the now unfortunately collapsed Nooz building.
        At press time, dazed Nooz staffers were wandering around still trying to come to terms with this terrible event. Publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. immediately released a statement of sympathy to the Win family both here and in China, and especially to eldest son Win Wing Win, who in acordance with his father's wishes will be assuming the mantle and heavy burden of being editor in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz.

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