Vol. 90,  No. 3
Hellmouth, Arizona
May 10, 1990

        Hundreds of rain-soaked reporters and tired-eyed primatologists from all over the world have been pouring into Tasmania for weeks now and converging in confusion on the small but excited Down Under community of Mole Creek to see for themselves the strange primate face apparently sculpted on the surface of the Red Planet, discovered last month during an argument between Dr. Mawbanna Waddamana and Dr. Basil Smith.  The ostensible monkey visage can only be seen through the 36" telescope at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, which is operated by the two now aging and some think senile inventors of the Dendrochondrial Split Gene Mapping and Rearray Test proving conclusively that tarsiers and orangutans are actually near relatives.  Although many primatologists have agreed that the peculiar Martian feature is similar to the face of a primate, there have been no conclusions yet as to which one it most closely resembles.
        Dr. Oondóué M. Boué thinks its a bluetail, Piet Mons Apeldoorn is convinced that it's a sulky tarsier, Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho believes that it's a jumping spider monkey, and Professor Ambato Ambilobe reports that it looks more like an aye-aye-aye to him.  Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, considers it to be a giant pygmy chimpanzee, whereas Watanabe Kibombo says it definitely a galago or a potto or something.  Dr. Watah Al-Qahirah says it's a blacknose gelada, while Professor Poon Sandandtundra claims it appears to be a bluetongue macaque.  The venerable Drs. Waddamana and Smith have not so far indicated what they suppose it to be.
        Other animal faces have been seen on Mars from time to time, and whenever it happens it creates a terrific sensation for a few days before dying down again. There was the famous Broken Antelope Face, which had suffered some kind of geological subsidence right across its nostrils, and the much ballyhooed Face of the Ocelot, which
(Cont. on page 3)
(AP)  Chicago, IL.  At a well-attended blue-star gathering of primates and other notables held this past week by the International Paleoprimatology Assn. at Chicago's famed Underneath Everything Club, the prestigious and much-coveted John Paul Llewellyn Scopes Primatology Prize was awarded to Primate Nooz. The presenters, primate pesematologist Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy and aging Professor Rolf Sigurd Vanhammerfest from Norway, referred specifically to the work of the late Win Wing Wan, Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus, Bill Measely, Mitsuo Ohhohoho and Mr. Chris Shaw.  The prize, a large solid gold toilet claw about eighteen inches long, was accepted gratefully by beaming publisher Arnett Putney, III and starry-eyed executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. on behalf of most of the many employees at the Nooz.
Primate Nooz is published when our astrological signs are favorable by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues can sometimes be obtained if we have them by writing to: Primate Nooz, Back Issue Dept., c/o Vern's Video Village, Hellmouth, Arizona.
(UPI) Hellmouth, AZ. In a tear-stained statement that was released today by publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., it was announced that Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, Senior Lecturer in Primate Affairs at the Academie Republique Gabonaise and author of The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide, Mitsuo's Monkeys, and My Life with the Macaques, has been dropped from the staff of Primate Nooz effective immediately.  
       The action was taken in response to the apparent hoax perpetrated by the eccentric professor in pretending to have been lost in the poison-filled basin of the ancient, ant-strewn Amazon and leading a search team on a circumglobal wild goose chase for the sake of publicizing his latest book, coincidentally titled Lost in the Hellish Amazon. The Nooz believes that Professor Ohhohoho was never really lost at all, but spent the time at a resort outside of Belo Horizonte.
      The Professor joined Primate Nooz in August, 1978, just at the time that it was struggling to regain its credibility after the Togobogo business, which led to the cancellation of all Nooz subscriptions and the firing of the editor.  Nothing has been said yet about a possible replacement, but sources suggest that West Coast Correspondent Mr. Chris Shaw may be elevated to fill the position of Roving Correspondent if he can pass the Roving Correspondent's training course.
Page Two     Page Three     Page Four     Home Page