Vol. 93,  No. 2
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jul. 10, 1993

(UPI)  Gorgonzola City, Gorgonzola.  Gorgonzolans of amost every age and height were startled last week as subterranean rumbles from across the Santa Rubia Straits began disturbing their breakfasts shortly after 8am on Tuesday. Many people had arisen that morning thinking that the day would turn out like any other, and were eating their rubbery Santa Rubia Island pink coconuts and drinking their high-protein Santa Rubia Island blue termite milkshakes, when a series of booming sounds came from the direction of Santa Rubia Island.  Salty terns screeched overhead and coral lawn fountains tipped over as the ground started shaking and Gorgonzolans large and small fled in panic.  Residents of Gorgonzola City could only with difficulty imagine the terrible scene across the Straits as the waves of the watery Gulf of Mexico began lapping over Santa Rubia Island's coastal necklace weed plantations, and Santa Rubia Island coral crabs crawled frantically around and around on those few still-exposed acres of Santa Rubia Island coral.
        The thunderous noises continued all day Tuesday and then stopped abruptly.  It was almost as though something was about to happen.  The sky over the island took on a sickly yellow hue and the wind ominously changed its direction.  Then, suddenly, like a tennis ball in an old oil can, the island began to sink.  Purple wannabies swam haphazardly out into the Santa Rubia Straits, while men and babies cried for mercy.  In less than an hour, the craggy rockbound peak of Santa Rubia Mountain disappeared beneath the waves, and the coral chessboards and pink coconuts and weed necklaces were gone forever.  Several lawn fountain sculptors who were later found drifting in the Santa Rubia Straits described the awful cataclysm which engulfed their island home as "really bad," and although Santa Rubia Islanders have for long been widely known for such understatement, there seems little doubt that it was a dark day for Gorgonzola.
(Noticias)  Gorgonzola City, Gorgonzola.  Due to the unfortunate and unforeseen sinking of Santa Rubia Island, the rally for Santa Rubia Island purple wannabies has been postponed, sources in the tiny and almost unnoticeable Central American nation said today.  Scheduled to be held at noon tomorrow at the foot of Santa Rubia Mountain, the rally was to have been followed by a daylong conference organized by the members of the Gorgonzola Research Council that was to have focused on the problems of the Santa Rubia Island purple wannabies.  But now that the Santa Rubia Island Purple Wannaby Reserve is underwater, it very much appears that those problems have almost certainly grown significantly worse.
Primate Nooz is published three times a year except when it's published four or more times a year by the Ralph A. Teasdale Corp., and except for leap years.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except Costa Rica). Back issues probably can't be obtained but you can still try by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Southwest Arizona Archives of Ersatz Primatological Materials, Suite 200, Cellophane Building, Hellmouth, AZ.
(AP)  Libreville, Gabon.  “...terrible...,” “...choking black smoke...,” “...all around...,” “...rocks falling...,” “...can't breath...,” “...noise giving me a headache....” Those were the last dramatic words of Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, the man who made the study and conservation of burrowing bluetail guenons his life's work.  Those were some of the few crackly fragments barely heard on a ham radio by an out-of-work gobo root picker in Libreville, and they were the last to be picked up from the world-famous Makokou Bluetail Study Center as streams of hot lava from nearby Mt. Mkimanjuru appeared to almost completely bury the area during last Tuesday's eruption. Thus ended the long illustrious life and distinguished career of Dr. Boué, and his like will not likely be heard of again, at least not in the Old World anyway.
      Dr. Boué was a graduate of the Academie Republique Gabonaise, an institution that he has been associated with throughout his professional life. He went on to establish the Makokou Bluetail Study Area in the Makanza Mts. region of Gabon in 1979.  He is survived by two wives, Okoyo and Lukula, his brothers Mweki and Bandudu, his sisters Dilolo and M'beya, his mother Kabare, and twelve or fourteen children.
    Any connection between this week's eruption and last Tuesday's seismic disturbance in the Santa Rubia Straits, which resulted in the unfortunate sinking of Santa Rubia Island, has been entirely discounted.
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