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ANNOUNCEMENTS

The New Primate Nooz is happy to announce that, with only a few exceptions, virtually its entire old staff has been rehired by the Takeshitahara Corp. We welcome everybody back.We also welcome Yoshida Murasaki as our new Stainer and Abe Kabuki who is taking over in Odds and Ends.

In 1993, before we shut down all operations here at Primate Nooz, we received a letter from a sixth-grader at Hellmouth Middle School pointing out what should have been an obvious truth.  The Nooz is read all over the world, and yet we display a surprisingly provincial attitude.  The example he used, and we kicked ourselves for not realizing this before, was our 'Recommended Reading' section, which includes only material written in English.  All this time we could have been recommending reading in other languages, but we had turned a blind eye to the rest of the world.  We had ignored thousands of readers who don't speak our tongue.  We had assumed that everyone spoke English.  By the time it became evident to us, it was too late to do anything about it, and so for the past decade we have suffered the tortures of the damned, thinking of lost opportunities, and trying to reconcile ourselves to the painful fact that we could never correct this horrible mistake.  But now, we are back, and we have been given a second chance.
      Therefore, with this issue, we have decided to ask the world's forgiveness by trying to rectify this grievous omission, and include the rest of humanity in the 'Recommended Reading' section.  We hope you can see your way clear to taking us back and not holding this shortsightedness against us.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Benedetto Popoli Frascati (1997).  “Tassi discendenti comparatavi dell' asiatico pochi primati.”  Note dell' Associazione Italiana di Primatologica, 12:19-32.

Alvaro Lopo Hanrrique (2000).  “Comportamento da Narizcolheita do primatas braziliano da planície.” Sumário Europeu do Macaco, 15:92-99.

Pedro Tunuyán Olavarría (1995).  “Mamiferos del bosque que caen africano del Subcontinente.” Diario de la Sociedad Mammal del Bosque Suramericano, 23:40-52.

Gourdon Vesoul (1992).  “Préférences de fruit chez les singes francais mâles de fiddlér d'adulte.”  Journal Européen Anormal de Primatologie, 18:40-50.

Gourdon Vesoul (1998). “Une nouvelle espèce de lemur de souris de réserve de nature de Nosy-Varinda.” 23ème Conférence Internationale sur les Adaptations de Prosimian, Vol. II, pp.1042-1043.

Gen. Johann Friedrich Battenburg von Gobbles-Schnappeshausen (1982).  “Ruckgang der Anzahl Erwachsenen Callitrichidae.”  Die Zeitschrift der Deutschen Primaten Gesselschaft, 73(5):29-81.

Christopher Shaw (2001).  Primates and Primate Newspapers.  Potts, Packer and Polthammer, Los Angeles.  *
 

ADVERTS

Is your house infested with bluenosed beetles? Jumping cornhole worms? Sand roaches? Bitbugs?  Leaf chewers? Whistling gypsy moths? Well, look no farther than BugsBeGone. We'll make your house look like another Ice Age, and whatever doesn't melt won't have any bugs in it. Our talented cryogenic technicians will be in and out in 24 hours, and you'll only have to stay away for a month, or maybe three. We haven't met a bug yet we couldn't kill.  Take our word for it, we're the best.  We're located in the Cellophane Building in beautiful downtown Hellmouth. Come on down, or call us at 790-909-3232.

The Southwest Arizona Film Society invites YOU to become a member.  We will welcome YOU to all our special events, limited release screenings, celebrity parties and get-togethers with a lot of big Hollywood directors.  YOU will be free to come into the Runnamuck Film Museum anytime you want and bring a guest too.  We will be asking YOU to be there to watch local filmings and possibly star in commercials. YOU will have a lifetime pass to the New Universal Studios Amusement Center in Cheesequake, and YOU will receive a signed letter from Buster Moppet, the famous child actor and lead in HBO's “Potato Bugs from Hell.”  YOU will only have to pay a small fee of $5999.99 per year.  Come in Tuesdays and Thursdays to fill out an application, or write us at:  256 Horntoad Ave., Mary's Wells, AZ.

Is your tail not as prehensile as it once was?  Are your callosities not quite as ischial as they used to be?   Is your stomach less sacchulated than it should be? Doggone it, we know how you feel.   So come on down to the Adaptations Adjustment Center, 330 W. Vine St., Hellmouth.  Whether you're an outpatient or have to stay for a few days, we'll do our best to take care of your needs.  We have professionally trained attendants, and we maintain hourly contact with the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility and with Hellmouth Holy Hospital.

 
The
Primate
Nooz©
 
 
Produced as a public service by those inscrutable folks down at the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corp. of Japan, with additional funding provided by the Tokyo Noodle Society, the Edo University Primate Studies Department, the Mt. Fuji Animal Alliance, Hyogo's Supreme Sushi House, Joshinetsu and Co. Booksellers, the Primate Plummeters League of Fukushima, the Blue Snowmonkey Reserve, the Nagasaki Rice Carving Institute, the Japanese Bamboo Screen Makers Union, and Japan-TV's new hit show, "Sumo Simians."
  
© M. Charters, 2002, Sierra Madre, CA.
 

“Is the Giant Space Primate Ever Going to Get Here?” by Drs. Mawbanna Waddamanna and Basil Smith of Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory.

“Our Ten-Year Plan to Detoxify the Gobo Root” by Jean-Jacques LeFebvre.

“Ancient Japanese Rice Carving Techniques” by Hirogi Matsumatsu of the Nagasaki Rice Carving Institute.
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