Vol. 88,  No. 9
Hellmouth, Arizona
Nov. 10, 1988

In one of the most startling and frankly unbelievable reports of recent memory, Primate Nooz roving correspondent Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho last week surprised publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. when he claimed to have found a crashed extraterrestrial flying machine in the heart of the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains of Gabon.  The circular-shaped and porthole-ringed craft, he claimed, was lying partially submerged in a brackish pond, and what appeared to be a cargo hatch, he claimed, had apparently been open for some time because lianas and disagreeable-smelling Ibounzi vines were growing into it.
          Professor Ohhohoho entered the strange vehicle, he claimed, and discovered what appeared to be the remains of a primate bestiary. Relying on his very extensive knowledge of anthropoid anatomy and his by now famous Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide, which according to Mr. Chris Shaw of the Nooz staff, has been on the Reader's Digest bestseller list for 227 months, he was able to identify what was left, he claimed, of a number of individuals of the species Cercopithecus subterraneus, also known as the bluetail guenon, the entire population of which was reported missing from the Makokou Study Area in April.
          In large ceramic containers, many of which remained unbroken, there were skeletons, he claimed, of muscatels, gray paladins, croesus monkeys, French fiddlers
(Cont. on page 2)   


(UPI) Hellmouth, AZ.  At least eight people on Tuesday last staged a combination march and kaffeeklatsch to protest the continuing presence in Hellmouth of the Primate Nooz.  While a few others looked on, the surly and undisciplined gaggle of grousers made their way along the two blocks of 3rd Avenue between Vine and Pine, carrying crudely-lettered signs and receiving four jaywalking tickets in the process.  When they reached Joe's Not So Bad Cafe, they stopped in for a cup of Joe's special java and were greeted by Joe, the owner, and Hellmouth mayor Col. John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret.  That's where we were able to overhear such comments as “Damn primates running around all over the place,” “we ought to close down Lou's House of Leaves,” “they need a good kick in the ischial callosities,” “why don't we just knuckle-walk them right out of here,” and the one that really made us chuckle, “Prehensile tails, my ass!”
      After several cups of coffee, the meeting broke up with nothing resolved and the protestors straggled out into the hot Arizona sunlight, adjusting their glasses and leaving their signs behind.  This reporter remained inside for a spell, enjoying the wheezing air conditioner and a second piece of pie.


(AP) Red Lion, N.J.  A new subspecies of gorilla has been discovered living in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey and subsisting mainly on cranberries, it was revealed this week. Tentatively dubbed Gorilla gorilla newjerseyii, or the barren ground gorilla, the subspecies is characterized by longish heads and blackish feet.  The animals were found by a primate search team led by Dr. Thomas L. Harrison of Harvard University.

The Primate Nooz is published synchronously with the fruiting of the Bornean pineapple pine Pindanus pricklii by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, South America and Asia.  Back issues may be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rain Forest Research Center, Hellmouth, AZ.
Page Two     Page Three     Page Four     Home Page