Vol. 90,  No. 1
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Jan. 10,  1990

       In a stunning development that shocked and dismayed publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., a vast majority of the readers of Primate Nooz have soundly rejected the new format suggested by West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher Shaw and painstakingly worked out over the past several months by hardworking members of the format department.  The results of the readers' poll in the last issue were tabulated on Monday and announced by department head Crowley Alexander, and were as follows: Love the new format, 2%; Like the new format, 4%; Not sure, 10%; Don't like the new format, 19%; and Hate the new format, 65%.
        Mr. Shaw issued a statement from his soapstone-lined hideaway high in the Hollywood Hills in which he apologized to Nooz readers in general and to his many fans and admirers in particular for having let them down.  “I did the best I could," he said, “I'm ready to resign at any time publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. ask me to."  Mr. Shaw also alluded to the uncomfortable fact, so far unsubstantiated, that much of the new format concept was actually the brainchild of the late Win Wing Wan, the former editor lately in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section, who was accidentally cryogenically frozen by Dr. Dick Doody several months ago in an unauthorized attempt to correct his Chinaman's Elbow problem at the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  Several people interviewed on the street suggested that Shaw is just trying to shift the responsibility for the failure of the new format.
        The only feature that was viewed positively by readers and may be retained is “The Nooz Phone,” which ironically was not one of Mr. Shaw's ideas, and which also ironically featured a telephone conversation with Mr. Shaw himself.  The old format will be reinstated until the senior editors can decide what to do next.
(Reuters)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  An orangutan has
won the Twenty-Seventh Annual Fig Swallowing
Competition held last weekend at the Burunamieh
YPCA.  The result was no surprise to anyone, since
orangutans had won all twenty-six of the previous
contests, but for he first time there was some open
grumbling amongst many of the lesser primates
about the unfair size advantage of Pongo antiquus,
and the four judges were forced to long call until the
discontent died down.
      The victorious pongid, 38, whose name is Old
One-Fingered Fred, is a long-time resident of the
Kualakurun Primate Reserve, and has been training
for this event since narrowly losing the last three
year's contests to a large, reddish, ofttimes surly
and ubsiguous Sumatran male named Emperor.
   Primate Nooz is published whenever there are no  lawsuits hanging over us, by the Ralph A. Bennett  Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes,  President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every  major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and  air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South  America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues may  or may not be available, but can be requested by  writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Thudwick,  Thudwick,  Marblehead and Thudwick, Hellmouth,  AZ.  
(AP)  Savannah, GA.  Puddles, one of the South's
most famous primates, was killed Tuesday morning in
a bizarre mishap at the new Peachblossom Park Zoo
and Travelling Botanical Garden.  The sorry incident
occurred when a honeybee stung an elephant which
apparently went berserk and knocked over a utility
pole which fell on the fence surounding the African
Rainforest exhibit.
      Panicked by the commotion, the Zoo's large prize
collection of deermouse deer stampeded across the
road, startling the driver of a passing maintenance
truck who lost control of his vehicle and crashed into
a hot dog vendor's stand, where a kettle of boiling oil
overturned, causing several short circuits and then
igniting a fire which spread rapidly through some dry
brush to the Bluetail Breeding Barn.  Several vigilant
zookeepers were able to evacuate the frantically-
spitting monkeys, but the entire barn roof collapsed,
sending a burning wooden beam down the hill and
over the edge of Baboon Cliffs, where it crushed
Puddles, who was sleeping peacefully in the sun in his
favorite spot.
      Puddles was best known for having sired most of
Savannah's large baboon population.  He had twice
appeared on local talk shows, displaying his large
ischial callosities.  “I've only seen this kind of thing
once before,” said Dr. Fred Flipple, Director of the
recently-renovated nature facility.  “Puddles was
supposed to go on Savannah Today tomorrow.”
Page Two    Page Three    Page Four    Home Page