Vol. 90,  No. 3
Hellmouth,  Arizona
May 10,  1990

     Hundreds of rain-soaked reporters and tired-eyed primatologists from all over the world have been pouring into Tasmania for weeks now and converging in confusion on the small but excited Down Under community of Mole Creek to see for themselves the strange primate face apparently sculpted on the surface of the Red Planet, discovered last month during an argument between Dr. Mawbanna Waddamana and Dr. Basil Smith.  The ostensible monkey visage can only be seen through the 36" telescope at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, which is operated by the two now aging and some think senile inventors of the Dendrochondrial Split Gene Mapping and Rearray Test proving conclusively that tarsiers and orangutans are actually near relatives.  Although many primatologists have agreed that the peculiar Martian feature is similar to the face of a primate, there have been no conclusions yet as to which one it most closely resembles.
        Dr. Oondóué M. Boué thinks its a bluetail, Piet Mons Apeldoorn is convinced that it's a sulky tarsier, Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho believes that it's a jumping spider monkey, and Professor Ambato Ambilobe reports that it looks more like an aye-aye-aye to him.  Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, considers it to be a giant pygmy chimpanzee, whereas Watanabe Kibombo says it definitely a galago or a potto or something.  Dr. Watah Al-Qahirah says it's a blacknose gelada, while Professor Poon Sandandtundra claims it appears to be a bluetongue macaque.  The venerable Drs. Waddamana and Smith have not so far indicated what they suppose it to be.
        Other animal faces have been seen on Mars from time to time, and whenever it happens it creates a terrific sensation for a few days before dying down again.  There was the famous Broken Antelope Face, which had suffered some kind of geological subsidence right across its
(Cont. on page 3)
(AP)  Chicago, IL.   At a well-attended blue-star
gathering of primates and other notables held this
past week by the International Paleoprimatology
Assn. at Chicago's famed Underneath Everything
Club, the prestigious and much-coveted John Paul
Llewellyn ScopesWorld Primatology Prize was
awarded to Primate Nooz.  
       This year's presenters, primate pesematologist Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy and aging Professor Rolf Sigurd Vanhammerfest from Norway, referred specifically to the work of the late Win Wing Wan, Bill Measely, Mitsuo Ohhohoho, Eric
Scotmeister Fleiglehaus, and Mr. Chris Shaw.  The
prize, a large solid gold toilet claw about eighteen
inches long, was accepted gratefully by beaming
publisher Arnett Putney, III and starry-eyed
executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. on behalf of
most of the many employees at the Nooz.
  Primate Nooz is published whenever our
astrological signs are favorable by the Ralph A.
Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan
Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are
shipped to every major zoo and animal testing
facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of
Africa, Asia and South America (except for
Costa Rica).  Back issues can sometimes be
obtained if we have them by writing to:  Primate
, Back Issue Dept., c/o Vern's Video
Village, Hellmouth, Arizona.
(UPI) Hellmouth, AZ.  In a tear-stained statement that
was released today by publisher Arnett Putney, III
and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., it was
announced that Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, Senior
Lecturer in Primatological Affairs at the Academie
Republique Gabonaise and author of The Professor
Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and
African Jungle Survival Guide
, Mitsuo's Monkeys,
and My Life with the Macaques, has been dropped
from the staff of Primate Nooz effective immediately.  
       The action was taken in response to the apparent
hoax perpetrated by the eccentric professor in
pretending to have been lost in the poison-filled basin
of the ancient, ant-strewn Amazon, and leading a
search team on a circumglobal wild goose chase for
the sake of publicizing his latest book, coincidentally
titled Lost in the Hellish Amazon.  The Nooz believes
that Professor Ohhohoho was never really lost at all,
but spent the time at a tropical resort outside of Belo
      The Professor joined Primate Nooz in August,
1978, just at the time that it was struggling to regain its
credibility after the Togobogo business, which led to
the cancellation of all Nooz subscriptions and the
firing of editor Arnie Regissen.  Nothing has been
said yet about a possible replacement, but sources
suggest that West Coast Correspondent Mr. Chris
Shaw may be elevated to fill the position of Roving
Correspondent if he can manage to pass the Roving
Correspondent's training course.
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