Vol. 90,  No. 6
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Dec. 10,  1990

      Many people in the well-scrubbed and highly visible world of international
primatology and lumbering, including not a few in the dusty, primate-infested
southwest Arizona community of Hellmouth, were completely caught off guard by
the announce- ment yesterday from the Lenin Monkey Institute in Braty-Bublinsk
that the USSR's Volga-138 spacecraft has accidentally discovered some definite and
incontrovertible evidence for the presence of what can only be rainforests on the
cloud-covered surface of Earth's twin planet Venus, something that the first 137
probes apparently failed to do.  The data from the spacecraft was relayed to the
Institute from the Chudleigh- Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory,
which was searching for more information about the giant space primate heading
towards Earth, and which was the only station to receive the strange telemetric
        The amazing and unexpected news was revealed in a press conference held in
his office by Dr. Ivan Grozny, Professor of Simian Socialism at the Institute, which
has sponsored and supervised the entire Venus-Volga project.  On an open tele-
phone line were Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith from Chudleigh-
Lilydale, who could be heard arguing vociferously in the background.  Perspiring
heavily, the crusty old Russian scientist squinted at a dimly-glowing computer
terminal and pointed to some squiggly blue lines.  “See that peak right there?” he
said with growing excitement, “that's the thermal signature of chlorophyll.”  Rustling
busily through some heavily-inked graphs, he warned against premature and
unwarranted conclusions.  “These will not be like rainforests on Earth,” he said,
pausing for a drink of brown water from a mineral-encrusted tea cup.  “We must be
prepared to accept some very strange things.  Everything will not be exactly the
way we think it is.”
        Whether there are primates in the Venusian rainforests and whether or not they
plummet the way terrestrial primates do remains an open question.
(TASS)  Berdichev, Ukraine.  Internationally-known
Lenin Scholar and Professor Pavel Bublev, for forty
years the most eminent primatology correspondent
in the world, the man who singlehandedly resurrec-
ted primate newspapers after a long and difficult
period of dormancy, and the driving force behind
the founding of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Socie-
ty, was injured yesterday in a fall from a biplane
during an Olympic trial primate aerobatics compet-
ition near the border, an informed source reported.
He fell from the plane he was piloting into the empty
open cockpit of an old Berezovo two-seater, skin-
ning his knee and bruising his left thumb in the
process.  Russian authorities are still investigating
the unusual incident.
  Primate Nooz is published according to a schedule based on the biorythym chart of Mr. Christopher Shaw by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa
Rica).  Back issues may be requested by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Sigsbee Junior Night College Primatology Department, Hellmouth, AZ.
(Reuters)  Braty-Bublinsk, Soviet Union.  Much to the
hysterical consternation and dumfounded amazement
of a glaznost-gripped public, the news was leaked last
week by the Braty-Bublinsk Office of Badly-Timed
Announcements about the landing of a time-traveling
primate right in the middle of Ivan the Terrible Munic-
ipal Park.  Subscribers to such obscure and irregular
Russo- phile periodicals as Primate Dialectics and the
Journal of the Mad Monk Society, as well as readers
of Professor Milös Kröpskaya's recently published
and highly acclaimed The Monkeys of the Gulag, have
been aware for some time about persistent reports that
time-traveling primates have been materializing in town
squares from Bratislav to Kuligorsk, but this is the first
time that there has been any direct evidence for the
      It was about noon two or three Saturdays ago
when retired male nurse Yuri Plotkin found himself
walking across one of Braty-Bublinsk's most famous
parks.  He had no idea how he had gotten there, and
could remember nothing since leaving the Boar and
Mink Vodka Bar about an hour previously.  The time-
warping simian appeared in a flash of light directly in
front of him, and although he was startled and almost
dropped his string bag of overripe and badly bruised
cucumbers, he was able to study its face for at least a minute. Based on Mr. Plotkin's somewhat lurid account, an artist's rendition was prepared which appeared in the
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