Vol. 91,  No. 1
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Feb. 10,  1991

       In a sudden move that this community's overlarge and snarly pack of cub reporters will surely be bleating about for years to come, controversial Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium Director Dr. Jerry Archbibble was fired yesterday by Mayor Frank Pruner, an action that is certain to raise in the Hellmouth Town Council immediate questions about the tangled involvements of the mayor's own company, Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, in sup-plying fake trees for the zoo's new landscaping program, and which thrust into the hot lime-light the obscure activities of a previously little known outfit by the name of Cruikshank and Cranston's Crematory Supplies, apparently the main dealer with the zoo over the past several years and implicated now in charges of providing substandard services and shoddy goods.
        The Zoo Association reacted with shock to the unexpected firing of its longtime friend Dr. Archbibble.  A number of docents whose close ties with the Director at this and other zoos go back a long way stood tearfully by the tastefully-decorated enclosure of the giant mouse lemurs, one of his many prize acquisitions.  Others stared balefully at the stinky galagos and wondered what would now become of them.  Several elderly khaki-uniformed gentlemen repeatedly threw down their purple handkerchiefs on the ground in frustration and picked them up again, thus expressing the feelings of everyone present.  Smoke rose from Snack Stand #2 as Billy McCardle burned a bunch of hot dogs in uncharacteristic protest, and it almost seemed to at least one observer that even the animals were finding it difficult to cope under the new and difficult circumstances. The zoo flag, a beautifully-rendered anaesthetic dart in the rump of an aye-aye-aye colorfully emblazoned on a field of dark-green silvervine
(Cont. on page 2)     
(UPI) Hellmouth, AZ.  Rumors to the effect that Dr.
Jerry Archbibble, Director of the Hellmouth Muni-
cipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, will
soon be fired as a direct result of his dealings with
Mayor Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, and that the
imitation tree market is on the verge of collapse,
remain just that, rumors.  The imitation tree market,
for the past decade centered in Hellmouth, has
been holding steady, and there is no evidence that
any controversy regarding imitation trees or the
zoo's director lies in the town's immediate future.
      Imitation trees were first introduced into the
United States in 1984 by local Hellmouth entrepre-
neur Frank Pruner.  Mr. Pruner went on to estab-
lish a prosperous gobo root farm and was elected
as the Mayor of Hellmouth in 1989, replacing Col.
John Barnsworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., who died
of gobo root poisoning.
 Primate Nooz is published on the 10th of every  month, except for those months when there isn't an  issue, and except for those months when it is pub- lished on the 20th, by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale  Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal  testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much  of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa  Rica).  Back issues may be obtained (or possibly not)  by writing to:  Primate Nooz Back Issue Office, c/o  Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, Hellmouth, AZ.
(Reuters)  London, U.K.  One of the most comprehen-
sive and authoritative research works to be published in
this century, Pigglesham's Comprehensive and Auth-
oritative Guide to the Mouse Lemurs
, has come under
severe criticism in British scientific journals over the
past several months, shaking the very foundation of
lemuroid taxonomy and calling into question some of
our most cherished notions about Madagascar and its
relationship with the African continent.  The Guide,
published in twenty-seven volumes, was compiled be-
ginning in 1932 by Sir Henry Wadston Peepsworth
Pigglesham, self-styled lemur expert and a driving force
behind British primatology, and it has remained one of
the standards in the field ever since.
      According to L. Patrick Rodney-Cecil, editor of the
prestigious The British Review of Primates, primatol-
ogists and other interested lay people from Bali-Bali to
Cheesequake have been sending in scathing letters,
citing many innacurate measurements, fudged statistical
analyses, misidentified elements, and unsupported and
unwarranted conclusions.  Dr. Rodney-Cecil offered
numerous examples of mistakes in methodology that
undermine if not negate virtually all of Mr. Pigglesham's
      It is a mystery how his work has been so universally
praised until recently.
Now available:  Pigglesham's Comprehensive and
Authoritative Guide to the Mouse Lemurs
, set of 27
volumes, leather-bound, $899.95.  Get yours now, there
won't be any more!   Call 777-NOOZ.
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