Vol. 88,  No. 7
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Mar. 10,  1988

        For years and months rumors have floated like vapors above a swamp through the primatological world about the existence of a fabulous jeweled and ageless city in the jungle built and occupied entirely by monkeys.  Only a few persistent and hard-headed people refused to ignore these seemingly ridiculous tales, but one of those people was none other than the world-renowned Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, an explorer extraordinaire and occasional Primate Nooz roving correspondent, and it was he who eventually made the momentous find, a discovery so shattering that it will certainly alter the way we think about ourselves and our primate heritage. Professor Ohhohoho, author of the definitive Professor Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide and My Life With the Macaques, announced his find in a telex to the Nooz last week.
        In cryptic and puzzling verbage, designed no doubt to conceal the location of the ancient monkey city from would be scavengers, tourists and newsdogs, he wrote of the right fork of a mighty river that curves like the back of an old crocodile, of a triple waterfall overlooked by two shadowy jacaranda-covered banks, and of the generally peaceful air of 0° 30' North,  12° 45' East.
        The normally reliable Professor Ohhohoho has often taken time out from his busy academic schedule to report to Nooz readers on primate subjects of pressing concern.  He covered the so-called monkey wars in Jujube, and was present when the lesser winking martindale was rediscovered on Bali-Bali.  The Nooz editorial staff has thus far remained silent about the Professor's claim.
Spotlight on
               the World

(Reuters)  Beijing,  PRC.  The 3000-year old gorilla found
living at Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo is
now dead, it was revealed yesterday.  The animal, a rare
white-kneed gorilla named Wu Shi, expired last week
during the festivities for the zoo's 481st anniversary.
Several celebrants reported seeing Wu Shi gorging
himself on egg rolls, apparently delivered to him by zoo
staff members.  Primate Nooz has learned that the zoo
Director, a Mr. Win Wing Wan, was immediately
relieved of his duties following the unfortunate incident,
and is said to be in hiding from roving gangs of angry
zoogoers.  The official cause of death was listed as old
age, but unofficially it has been learned that Wu Shi had
just lived too many years.
  Primate Nooz is published whenever we get enough
material by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., Dr.
Peter  Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped  to every major zoo and animal test facility in the U.S. and  air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America.  Back issues may be obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz,  c/o Ed and Bob's Bar and Grill, 220 Vine St., Hellmouth, Arizona.

by Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely

Hi!  Bill Measely here, son of the late Sir Horton
Measely, inventor of the hydrogen laser spotlight
which I, his son, now own.  In this issue, Primate
proudly introduces a brand new feature called
“Spotlight on the World,” which will use my
spotlight to send out 1250° beams to illuminate
major areas and out-of-the-way corners of the world,
and to hopefully do it without injuries or fires.   We
were fortunate to have been able to rescue the
spotlight after it was put up for auction at the time
of Sir Horton's, that is my father's, death and was
purchased by a Japanese consortium of noodle
farmers from Ojiwawa to melt snow.  They came up a
bit short on the payments and we managed to get it
back.  We have done our utmost to correct its
tendency to swing around without warning and
burn people severely, and it has been pronounced
safe by Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair.  My dad,
Sir Horton, was put into hospital several times by it.
(Cont. on page 2)     
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