Vol. 93,  No. 3
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Sep. 10,  1993

       The depressing word spread out from Hellmouth last week like the ripples caused by a toaster dropped into the still waters of Lake Runnamuck, creeping across the muddy Horntoad River Valley and slouching down byways and flyways into Cheesequake, Hummingbird Junction and Mary's Wells, about the imminent closing down of Southwest Arizona's premier primatology newspaper, the Primate Nooz.  Many local residents rubbed their eyes and turned down their radios when they heard the shocking bulletins, wishing it not to be true.  There was a run on aspirins at Al's Pharmaceuticals.  Joe put out the Closed sign at his Not So Bad Cafe and went home to commiserate with his wife and children.  KNUZ-FM began playing funeral dirges.  The Antlered Animals Lodge Hall Annual Fall Picnic was cancelled, and a pall of gloom settled over Pine and Vine Streets.  Everyone was thinking that they would remember just where they were and what they were doing when they heard the unbelievable tidings.
        It has been ninety-three years since Bucephalus T. Stephens tentatively placed the first stack of Nooz's on the cracked front steps of the Old Hellmouth City Hall, ninety-three years of the best primatology reporting ever read in this tired part of Southwest Arizona, ninety-three years of features like “News Behind the News,” “200 Months Ago Today,” “Monkey Puzzles,” and “Dateline Hellmouth,” ninety-three years of stories like Myrtle Milliken's discovery of the hopping howlers, the establishment of the Prehensile Tail Foundation, the Monkey Wars in Jujube, and the Nooz's invitation to visit the White House.
        The history of the Primate Nooz in Hellmouth has been a checkered one.  It has been neither easy nor smooth.  It has proceeded in fits and starts.  There have been years with no issues at all, and others when the Nooz popped up like mushrooms in a light spring rain.  Yet through it all, the editors of this award-winning publication have refused to settle for a less-than-excellent standard, they have made sure their pencils were sharp and their paper clip bins full, and they have kept the keen eye of the Nooz focused on the world of primatology like a barber pole python on the track of a deermouse deer.  But now that eye will be closed, the pencils will grow dull, the paper clip bin will have just a few loose clips rattling around in the bottom, and dust-free squares will appear where Nooz newsboxes used to stand, and Hellmouthites, Cheesequakers and Runnamuckians will have to turn to Primate Week, PRIMATE LIFE, and The Primate Times of London for their latest monkey news.  It's really quite sad, but there it is.
(SW News)  Runnamuck, AZ.  The John P. Simon
Tree Thistle Plantation was totally leveled by last
Friday's earthquake, which rumbled across the
Horntoad River Valley at 7:44am and registered 5.9
on the Richter scale, according to the geologists at
Sigsbee Junior Night College, who pinpointed the
epicenter as 4 miles west of the southern end of
Lake Runnamuck.  Used refrigerators tumbled over
at Johnny's Second Hand Appliances, and there
were gobo roots strewn across the floor at the 24-
hour ShopAlot in Mary's Wells, but there were
only a few injuries reported at Hellmouth Holy
      Tree thistles were introduced into the United
States in 1980 and have become quite common in
this part of Southwest Arizona.  They particularly
like the sandy soil that is typical of the Horntoad
River Valley, and spread with great vigor, much to
the annoyance of most local gardeners.
  Primate Nooz is published at the discretion of publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. who wish on this the occasion of the final issue to thank and say goodbye to their many loyal supporters. Copies used to be shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues are no longer available to be ordered, but comments and criticisms may still be submitted for a few more days by writing to:
Primate Nooz, c/o The Primal Therapy Wing, Hellmouth Holy Hospital, Hellmouth, AZ.
      As most of our readers know by now, this will be the
final issue of the Primate Nooz, the last of a unique and
irreplaceable series.  Rising material and shipment costs
and the ever-increasing demands of rapacious unions
have made it financially impossible for us to continue,
so the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation has now
decided to pull the plug.
      Over the years that the Nooz has been publishing,
we have made it our constant goal to print all the news
that fits.  We have brought you stories as diverse as the
tearing down of the world's smallest monkey testing
facility, the primate noodle marathon in Loeminster,
Massachusetts, and the placement on the Endangered
Species List of the Jujube jumping cornhole worm, the
primary food source of the Jujube sleepy colobus.  We
scooped the nation when we reported the imminent rise
in demand for tax-free edible bonds.  All we asked for
was a tiny slice of the pie, just a thin wedge.  Hell, a
piece of crust would have satisfied us.  But no!   Even
that was too much for the predatory Union of Steam-
room Workers (USW) and the greedy and grasping
American Federation of Paper Flatteners and Wet Ink
Spreaders (AFPFWIS), and they snapped at our heels
until we were forced to fight back with the only weapon
we had, the dissolution of the Nooz.
       The expression, “That's news!,” originated many
years ago when the Nooz usually ran over 300 pages an
issue and was published every day.  Delivery boys had
to carry it around one at a time on their heads.  Since
then we have been shrinking steadily like a tire with a
slow leak, so that the copy of the Nooz you are reading
now is a mere shadow of its former self.  And thus we
bid a final fond adieu and sad farewell to all our many
faithful readers. Thanks for being there.  R.I.P. Primate
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