Vol. 102, No. 1
Feb. 10, 2002
In a sudden and stunning press release issued only yesterday, Dr. Peter Pan
Troglodytes announced the immediate termination of the Ralph A. Bennett Teas-
dale's ownership and management of the Primate Nooz. The Nooz, which has been
closed since August, 1993, has now been sold lock, stock and water coolers to the
Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation of Japan for the sum of ¥2950, and with this
issue resumes publication. Employees who were concerned about having to move
to the Orient were relieved to learn that the giant international headquarters of the
Takeshitahara Corporation is instead relocating to Hellmouth, where it plans to build
a major primate research center on the piece of vacant land next to the Old Tire
Reclaiming Yards. Mr. Kashihara Takeshitahara, brother of famed Japanese primate
specialist and rice carving expert Takeshi Takeshitahara, intends to exercise close
and direct control over the Primate Nooz, but will permit publisher Arnett Putney, III
and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. to resume their positions for the time being,
subject to satisfactory sales in Japan.
The Takeshitahara Corporation, makers of small motor scooters, microwave
televisions, energy coils for refrigerators, and nitrogen laser spotlights, thus moves
to consolidate its status as the leading corporate owner of primate newspapers in
the world, and will add Primate Nooz and its two sister publications Primate Week
and PRIMATE LIFE to its journalistic stable, which currently includes Monkey
World (Singapore), Junior Ape Magazine (Osaka), Simian Society Times (Bonn), and
Chimp Digest (New York). Also under the aegis of the Takeshitahara Corporation
are the Obihiro Monkey Museum on Hokkaido, the Blue Snowmonkey Reserve on
Kyushu, the Federal Institute of Advanced Simian Studies outside of Kobe, and the
Takeshi Takeshitahara Memorial Rice Carving Foundation.
Primatology reporting has been very popular in Japan over the past couple of
decades. Several cities like Osaka, Yokohama, Hiroshi, and of course, Tokyo, have
primatology newspapers, and the Japanese National Television System has its own
Primate Study Network, with such shows as Monkeys of Japan, Koko Climbs Mt.
Fuji, and Samurai Simian. It is to be hoped that some of these shows will even-
tually be imported into the U.S. In the meantime, Hellmouth residents are becoming
more and more accustomed to seeing Japanese faces in Joe's Not So Bad Cafe and at
the ShopAlot, and Gratiano Bros. Meat Market has promised to introduce sushi.
* PRIMATE NOOZ PURCHASED BY TAKESHITAHARA CORPORATION!
ELECTRICAL FAILURE BLACKS OUT
WORLD-FAMOUS MAN AND MAMMAL MUSEUM
AZ. Curators twiddled their thumbs
and lab assistants ran wild on Monday last as a massive
electrical failure darkened the dusty halls of the Man and
Mammal Museum in downtown Cheesequake. The time
clock read 10:15 when the power went out. The janitor's
power polisher seized up like a fat man with a chicken
bone caught in his throat, and the gift shop cash register
opened and closed like a crazy monkey. The shrill cat-
calls of nervous museum visitors gradually gave way to
an eerie quiet.
The Museum's automated security system activated at
once and trapped a group of touring fourth graders in the
Hall of Extinction, where several animatronic sifakas in
mid-leap crashed to the marble floor. The windowless
Prosimian Room was plunged into an utter darkness,
frightening a pair of Museum guards who were forced to
seek refuge behind the skeleton of the giant mouse lemur.
An hour passed before emergency lighting began to
cast a surrealist glow over the new Primates of Central
Bosnia exhibit. Employees whispered and wondered, and
moved slowly, like fish over a coral reef. The sounds of
crazed administrators could be heard in the background,
along with the soft persistent murmuring of counselors
trying to calm them down. One grizzled museum veteran
who asked to remain anonymous said it was the worst
that had happened since a shipment of bees broke open
during the 1947 heat wave. The Museum reopened later
in the day after power had been restored, but several irate
Runnamuckians swore they would never visit it again, or at least not for several weeks.