Vol. 102,  No. 3
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Dec. 10,  2002


     It was about 3am early Monday morning, as near as he can tell, that New Primate Nooz reporter Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus was abducted by anthropoid aliens from the planet Zarkon.  He thinks he was in Hellmouth, or it could have been Cheese-
quake or Runnamuck, at least somewhere in the muddy Horntoad River Valley, as near as he can remember, when several either very small or very large aliens with silver heads and protruding ischial callosities burst into his house, or someone else's house he might have been staying at, or a campsite or hotel (he isn't exactly sure). There were either four or eleven of them, and they spoke in sharp, buzzing voices that caused his ears to hurt. They appeared to be dressed in some kind of clear cellophane clothes that revealed either dark-brown or cream-colored hair under-
neath.  They gripped his arms with their opposable thumbs and looked at him through eyes that were large and round, or in some cases small and oval.  It seemed to him that he began to be able to understand what they were saying, and he believes now that they were asking him for gobo roots, or something else.  It was evident to him by then that these were creatures from the planet Zarkon, and he started shivering.  “qadaf lgajh nkkjfgl mlgl obnbp  iptFijs ghrt kqtnk
,”” one of them suddenly said in a voice like an oboe that he could only hear in his head, and then followed that up with the apparently hearty and heartfelt expostulation “Qvguelll gdjsd Yggf gfahsk hUJZ!
         He tried to tell them that gobo roots were out of season, and that he was getting a headache, but the buzzing noises only increased.  “lshk klhdoe ohfR Hhgjg
?” one seemed to be asking him over and over, but he didn't know the correct answer. Finally one of the creatures came up and put its face right in front of his, and enunciated quite clearly, “Jhdrtkew Qhl nerrykll klsY fGd?” and he almost instinctively understood this to mean, "Do you want to go home?"  He nodded yes, and there was a tremendous feeling of acceleration, forcing him back into his couch and causing him to black out temporarily.  When the pressure lifted from his head, he found himself sitting in his own living room watching Jerry Springer.  He barely had time to jot down a few notes about his bizarre experience before falling asleep again.  When he woke up in the morning, he found his TV picture tube was broken and so was every lightbulb in his house. He reported the incident to publisher Arnett Putney, III and Executive Editor Widen Lundale, Jr. and it is that report from which the above story was summarized. Since his return from this wierd extra-earthly experience, Mr. Fleiglehaus has remained convinced that there were other things that happened that day (or night, whatever), things he was made to forget, and he has promised to be the first one to tell you readers anything that he is able to remember, if in fact he remembers anything.
(All-Africa News)  Adudu, Badongo-Gazimbi.  The few pitiful remnants of a creature that lived over a million years ago lay jumbled on a dirty tablecloth on a rickety card table outside a dilapidated trailer displaying the worn inscription, “Dr. D's Travelling Excavators.”  Inside the tiny trailer, the man known to the world as Dr. D., David Delavere, was drinking thistle beer with his two African assistants.  The words of bawdy tales could be heard for hundreds of yards around, and passersby often stopped in amazement at what they heard.  Down in the pit, his anthropoid excavators dug ceaselessly where just last week they had made their extraordinary find.
      The creature, whose remains included the coccyx, the left femur, two carpals, part of the ilium, a patella, the sphenoid, the right tibia and ulna, various broken vertebrae, ribs, phalanges, a cracked humerus, and virtually the entire skull, has now been assigned the scientific appelation Homo simians, because more so than any other hominoid ever found, the name “Monkey Man” just fits.  Dr. Delavere said that this was the most perfect fusion between a hominoid and an anthropoid that he had ever seen, and could just as easily have been called Simias homoensis.
       It is very much the misfortune of the paleontolo- gical and primatological worlds that what has now been acknowledged as one of the greatest finds of the month was made by this pseudo-scientific charlatan just rooting through some old backyard garbage pits in Adudu while his monkey cronies were busy casing houses for the “good stuff,” and that we have been forced to listen to his idiotic theories about the Monkey Man.  There is no “Monkey Man”, and never has been!   Whether or not he will be able to profit from writing about his “discovery” during his period of incarceration remains an open question.
The New Primate Nooz is published every single month by the dedicated people at the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation.  Copies are shipped to all major zoos and animal testing facilities in the U.S. and Japan, and e-mailed to much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica). Back issues may be requested by sending in SASE and $2 per issue to:  New Primate Nooz, c/o Futon World, Muggley's Main Street Mall, Cheesequake, Arizona, or go to  www.webnooz/backissues.
(SovNews)  Braty-Bublinsk, Russia.  After consulting closely with Dr. Fyodor Butynski and Ivan Grozny, the President of the Mad Monk Society, Professor Irina Novomoskovskaya, has announced that her organiza-
tion, acting in concert with the space agencies of Rafikistan and Luxembourg, will soon begin con-
struction of a large primate center on and under the lunar surface, to be jointly inhabited by the Mad Monk Society, the Luxembourg International Primate Trade Union, the British Royal Society of the Cerco-
pithecinae, the 1st Rafikistan National Directorate of Primate Religious Schools, and the North American Primate Plummeting League.  Drs. Mawbanna Wadda-
mana and Basil Smith have both offered to relocate their 36" telescopes from Tasmania to the Moon if they can be assured of being in different quadrants. The purpose of the center has not yet been clearly explained, but newly-hired consultant Mitsuo Ohho-
hoho let something slip the other day when he said, “So what if some of them don't EVER come back? So what?” The new center should be ready for its first occupancy by about June 15th of 2027.
(AP) Hellmouth, Arizona. The long-anticipated visit to Hellmouth and the surrounding Horntoad River Valley area of the Town Fathers of Bjornafjord, along with 30 of the community's best merchants, several horse and tack sellers, and the President, Academic Dean and Dean of Primatology of Flekkesund College, sister institution of Sigsbee Junior Night College, in addition to the High Mayor of Bjornafjord, the entire library staff of the Bjornafjord High School Library, two or three representatives of the Nordic North Atlantic-
Arizona Friendship Association, last year's winner of the Most Popular Man in Bjornafjord Contest, the eighth and ninth grades of Ísafyardhardjup Public School with their parents and teachers, the Icelandic Deputy Trade Minister and his new wife, one of the Directors of the Bjornafjord First Armored Bank, Mr. Öjorn Borgstrand, the heir-apparent of and footsteps-
follower to the impossibly-aged Rolf Sigurd Vanham-
merfest, and the popular Scandinavian science writer “Strudle” Lindesberg, author of the well-selling internet book, Iceland: Why Is It So Icy?, will apparen-
tly take place next Friday in the early afternoon.