Primate Nooz is pleased to announce that in the tiny, spruce-covered
and impossibly remote village of Krasnoslobodsky, deeply nestled
in the heart of beautiful western Azerbaijan and far from the rudely-prying
electronic eyes of US satellites, heroic Russian scientists have
finally achieved something they have been struggling for since the
long-ago days of Peter the Great. The feat was finally accomplished
by Professor Arzamas Kuybyshev of the USSR Academy of Primatology
at Minsk, one of the Soviet Union's foremost experts in genetic
engineering, after decades of heartbreaking experimentation on great
apes and lesser primates.
Removed were the heart, lungs,
liver, gall bladder, pancreas, salivary glands, esophagus, small
and large intestines, stomach, bile ducts, kidneys, adrenal glands,
eyes, ears, spinal cord, larynx, pharynx and brain. Assisting Dr. Kuybyshev's operating team in the 29-hour medical marathon
was our own Dr. Dick Dick Doody of the Human Diseases and Primate
Testing Facility, who flew from Hellmouth to Krasnoslobodsky last
week with West Coast Correspondent and Really Scientific Letters
Editor Mr. Christopher Shaw.
The New East Siberia Patriotic
Endeavor Uranium Complex No. 3 near Ubsk will be the ultimate destination
for this new bioprimatic unit, whose designation is 13028. The life
span and lifting force have not yet been absolutely calculated.
RECOMMENDED READING BY DR. THRACE THRASHER, M.D.:
Pavel Bublev (1954). This Is Pavel Bublev, Reporting.
Kriska, Stupoff, Valentin and Boyarsky, Novgorod. *****
Pavel Bublev (1990). Monkey Business: A Lifetime
in Soviet Primatology. Red Victory Publishing Farm Press,
Pavel Bublev (1959). On Foot Across Braty-Bublinsk."
Journal of the Mad Monk Society, 1:1-22. *****
Pavel Bublev (1975). Primatology Under the Rule
of the Romanovs. Natura, 27:43-73. *****
Gen. Pyotr Alexandrovich Krapov (1989). Pavel Bublev
and the Founding of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society. Karamazov
and Brothers, Leningrad. *****
Christopher Shaw (1990). Traveling to Krasnoslobodsky and Back Can Be a Tricky Business. Reader's Digest,
Leaves 'R' Us in the Square at Muggley's Main Street Mall,
Cheesequake, having a pre-Christmas 50% off everything sale.
We can satisfy all your leaf needs, from raffia palms to giant
water lilies. We have Mexican asparagus, gorogo beans, silvervine and thistleroot,
as well as other difficult-to-obtain items. Both simple and
compound leaves available, pinnate and palmate, detoxified
and mature. We even have Bornean dung locust leaves, which
are possibly the most disagreeable leaves ever located and
very rare, so get them now before the price goes up again.
When you think of leaves, think of us. We're Leaves
'R' Us. Come on down.
Forests on the decline? Trees not as plentiful as they
used to be? Monkey habitats scarce? Tourist dollars
drying up? Sick of these questions? We can cover
your country with synthetic trees that look just like the
real thing, especially from a distance, and aren't too heavy.
Can be moved from one location to another for special
tours. All trees easily telescope for convenient transport.
Free brochures on request by writing to: Pruner's
Imitation Tree Farm, Suite 2099, Beazleton Building, Hellmouth,
Dr. Fyodor Butynski will be making an appearance in Hellmouth
sometime next year. Current plans are for him to speak
at the Old Primates Home and at Holy Friends Hall. Dr.
Butynski's association with Hellmouth goes back a long way.
He was a student at Sigsbee Junior Night College, and
worked as a docent at the Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal
Crematorium. Read future issues of the Nooz for
details or call our Public Events Office.
a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph
A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, with funding provided
by Georgia Pacific Gabon, Piet's Primate Summer Camp,
the Moscow Monkey Circus, the Equatorial Fruit Toxins
Institute, the Cheesequake Chess and Checker Club, the
International Bluetail Foundation, Al's Pharmaceuticals, Hellmouth Hardware
Store, Ted's Primate Exports, the French National Monkey
Academy Precision Flag Plummeting Team, and the Malagasy
Extinct Lemur Society.
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre,
Are your primate populations going down? Simians
getting scarce all of a sudden? Tourism off? Think it
has something to do with the ozone hole? Well, it doesn't,
but if you're a medium-sized country without too much foreign debt,
you might be able to afford our new line of fully-automated robot
monkeys. Can be factory programmed for folivory, frugivory,
or insectivory. Solitary or gregarious lifestyles, dominant
or subordinate positions, and six different modes of locomotion.
Loaded with all of the latest features including a vocal apparatus
capable of 273 separate calls. Optional remotes, and they're indistinguishable from the real thing. Write for estimates to: Animal Analogues,
P.O. Box 85, Hellmouth, AZ, or call 1-800- MONKEYS. Now you
can fill whatever forests you might have remaining with our astonishingly
lifelike and surprisingly inexpensive mechanical replicas. Affiliated
with Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair. Do it today, or maybe