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Primate Nooz is pleased to announce that in the tiny, spruce-covered and impossibly remote village of Krasnoslobodsky, deeply nestled in the heart of beautiful western Azerbaijan and far from the rudely-prying electronic eyes of US satellites, heroic Russian scientists have finally achieved something they have been struggling for since the long-ago days of Peter the Great.  The feat was finally accomplished by Professor Arzamas Kuybyshev of the USSR Academy of Primatology at Minsk, one of the Soviet Union's foremost experts in genetic engineering, after decades of heartbreaking experimentation on great apes and lesser primates.
      Removed were the heart, lungs, liver, gall bladder, pancreas, salivary glands, esophagus, small and large intestines, stomach, bile ducts, kidneys, adrenal glands, eyes, ears, spinal cord, larynx, pharynx and brain.  Assisting Dr. Kuybyshev's operating team in the 29-hour medical marathon was our own Dr. Dick Dick Doody of the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, who flew from Hellmouth to Krasnoslobodsky last week with West Coast Correspondent and Really Scientific Letters Editor Mr. Christopher Shaw.
      The New East Siberia Patriotic Endeavor Uranium Complex No. 3 near Ubsk will be the ultimate destination for this new bioprimatic unit, whose designation is 13028. The life span and lifting force have not yet been absolutely calculated.


Pavel Bublev  (1954).  This Is Pavel Bublev, Reporting. Kriska, Stupoff, Valentin and Boyarsky, Novgorod. *****

Pavel Bublev  (1990).  Monkey Business: A Lifetime in Soviet Primatology.  Red Victory Publishing Farm Press, Pomsk.   *****

Pavel Bublev  (1959).  “On Foot Across Braty-Bublinsk." Journal of the Mad Monk Society, 1:1-22.   *****

Pavel Bublev  (1975).  “Primatology Under the Rule of the Romanovs.” Natura, 27:43-73.   *****

Gen. Pyotr Alexandrovich Krapov  (1989).  Pavel Bublev and the Founding of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society. Karamazov and Brothers, Leningrad. *****

Christopher Shaw  (1990).  “Traveling to Krasnoslobodsky and Back Can Be a Tricky Business.”  Reader's Digest, 925:49-54.   *

ads cont....

Leaves 'R' Us in the Square at Muggley's Main Street Mall, Cheesequake, having a pre-Christmas 50% off everything sale. We can satisfy all your leaf needs, from raffia palms to giant water lilies. We have Mexican asparagus, gorogo beans, silvervine and thistleroot, as well as other difficult-to-obtain items. Both simple and compound leaves available, pinnate and palmate, detoxified and mature. We even have Bornean dung locust leaves, which are possibly the most disagreeable leaves ever located and very rare, so get them now before the price goes up again.  When you think of leaves, think of us. We're Leaves 'R' Us.  Come on down.

Forests on the decline?  Trees not as plentiful as they used to be?  Monkey habitats scarce? Tourist dollars drying up?  Sick of these questions?  We can cover your country with synthetic trees that look just like the real thing, especially from a distance, and aren't too heavy. Can be moved from one location to another for special tours.  All trees easily telescope for convenient transport.  Free brochures on request by writing to:  Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, Suite 2099, Beazleton Building, Hellmouth, AZ.


Dr. Fyodor Butynski will be making an appearance in Hellmouth sometime next year. Current plans are for him to speak at the Old Primates Home and at Holy Friends Hall.  Dr. Butynski's association with Hellmouth goes back a long way.  He was a student at Sigsbee Junior Night College, and worked as a docent at the Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium. Read future issues of the Nooz for details or call our Public Events Office.

Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, Piet's Primate Summer Camp, the Moscow Monkey Circus, the Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institute, the Cheesequake Chess and Checker Club, the International Bluetail Foundation, Al's Pharmaceuticals, Hellmouth Hardware Store, Ted's Primate Exports, the French National Monkey Academy Precision Flag Plummeting Team, and the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society.
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre, CA.


Are your primate populations going down? Simians getting scarce all of a sudden? Tourism off?  Think it has something to do with the ozone hole?  Well, it doesn't, but if you're a medium-sized country without too much foreign debt, you might be able to afford our new line of fully-automated robot monkeys.  Can be factory programmed for folivory, frugivory, or insectivory. Solitary or gregarious lifestyles, dominant or subordinate positions, and six different modes of locomotion.  Loaded with all of the latest features including a vocal apparatus capable of 273 separate calls. Optional remotes, and they're indistinguishable from the real thing.  Write for estimates to: Animal Analogues, P.O. Box 85, Hellmouth, AZ, or call 1-800- MONKEYS. Now you can fill whatever forests you might have remaining with our astonishingly lifelike and surprisingly inexpensive mechanical replicas.  Affiliated with Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair. Do it today, or maybe tomorrow.

(Cont. next column)     
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