Page Three
 
1990
The Year in Review
  
 
      Well, it was another bad year.  Attendance at
the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal
Crematorium declined again, the famous Day
Range Hotel in fault-ridden and little-known
Makanza Mountains National Park fell over, and
that giant space primate is still heading toward the
Earth, with unknown consequences for all of us
here in the Tri-City area, but aside from that it has
not been much better.
      GREAT BLUE BEARDED MARMOSETS
went on a tear in January under their annual com-
pulsion to seek long-term monogamous relation-
ships with like-minded females.  In February, Leif
Englanberg and Olaf Petersen were lost briefly
during an expedition into the interior of the Hatt-al-
Kabob, from which they emerged later that even-
ing after several frenetic and exhausting hours
with lurid and fantastic tales of huge sand worms
and monkeys that only come out at midnight.
      March was marked by the eerie nocturnal
wailing of the FRILLED INDRI, an animal that
wails only when its environment is being ravaged
and ruined, and later in the month by the 123rd
Semi-Annual Conference on Primate Nomencla-
ture, which unhappily confirmed the basic split
between the great apes and the lesser primates,
something that most of us here at "The Year in
Review" had long suspected and which only the
hylobatids took exception to.  In April, giant leech
prospectors (the leeches were giant not the pros-
pectors) thoughtlessly decimated the only known
habitat of the GRAY-FOOTED MUSCATEL,
leading to a harsh editorial in the Gorgonzola
Gazette.
      In May, the bottom fell out of the local tropical
products market both literally and figuratively
when an enormous sinkhole opened up right in the
middle of Muggley's Main Street Mall in down-
town Cheesequake, instantly swallowing a resting
POUCHED LANGUR and several CROESUS
MONKEYS.  Two days later, a disastrous fire
swept through Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm,
scorching an acre of fake oaks, and scattering
planting crews willy nilly.
      Chester Champ's Chimp Safari went belly up
in June, filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy and
spoiling the plans of a number of hopeful nullipar-
ous GIANT PYGMY CHIMPANZEES, while in
July our very own Mr. Chris Shaw took some time
off from his demanding responsibilities as West
Coast Correspondent and Really Scientific Letters
Editor for the Nooz to personally oversee the con-
struction of an outdoor sauna and digital video
center at his soapstone-lined hideaway high in the
Hollywood Hills.  Regrettably, the vibrations
caused his entire backyard to slide down into a
neighbor's swimming pool.  Sorry, Mr. Shaw.
      A letter-writing campaign was initiated in
August by the Black Brothers of the ancient and
venerable Very Secret Order of Sifakapithecus,
the ancestral SIFAKA who according to native
legends was supposed to have crossed the moun-
tains of Madagascar on the back of a turtle.  The
Brothers have condemned the recently-stated
Nooz position that sideways hopping (or 'unilater-
(Cont. on page 4)      
Editor's note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of
Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger
readers and in which we ask different people in various
fields some pretty darn tough “What is” questions just to
make ourselves feel superior because we already know the
answers.  This time, our pages are graced by the incompar-
able ramblings of former Hellmouth Zoo Director Dr. Jerry
Archbibble. Dr. Archbibble has handled everything from
jumping spider monkeys and deermouse deer to great blue
marmosets and Gabonese stinky galagos, and he can cer-
tainly handle you pipsqueaks, so hush up. You there, in the
third row, put that magazine down and pay attention!  Now
then, we happily present Dr. Archbibble.
 
by
Dr. Jerry Archbibble
Former Director, Hellmouth Municipal Zoo
and Exotic Animal Crematorium
  
 

      Hello hello hello to all you plaid-clad kids out there in
Noozland.  Glad to have you awake and on board.  I know
you're just itching with excitement to hear all about just what
is the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crema-
torium, and it's not the kind of itch that can be cured by
some oriental ointment, but first I'd like to say something
about the Zoo's relationship with Pruner's Imitation Tree
Farm.  Now, I don't suppose any of you little suspender-
suspended infants have any idea how expensive real trees
are, but let me tell you, they cost more than Nintendos, al-
right?

      [Look, I just want to tell them about fake trees, OK?]

      So the next time you hear somebody saying something
about how I bought fake trees for the new's new landscap-
ing program, just form your thumb and index finger into a
zero and say, “That's how much support the Zoo got from
the Hellmouth Town Council.”
      As it so happens, fake trees are not only cheaper, but
are also more durable and longer-lasting, more convenient
to plant and replant, and require far less care, almost none
in fact.  Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, owned coincidentally
by our Mayor and Chairman of the Hellmouth Zoo Associ-
ation, the Right Honorable Frank Pruner, represents the
state of the art in imitation trees.  Experts have been hired
who could not distinguish real trees from the fake ones.....

      [Yes, yes, about the zoo, OK! OK!]

      As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, you
get more bark for your buck at Pruner's Imitation Tree
Farm, the most advanced and high-tech of the many such
operations in this part of Southwest Arizona.  People all
over the Tri-City area are switching to imitation trees, and
it's to Pruner's that the majority of them are turning.  Free
delivery and sale coupons every Sunday in the Hellmouth
Star Ledger and Daily Chronicle.  Where else can you get
a 50' Jaragua calaveris or a 75' fake oak, just perfect for
primate plummeting.  Every tree telescopes for easy trans-
(Cont. on page 4)      
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