Vol. 93,  No. 3
Hellmouth, Arizona
Sep. 10, 1993

  PRIMATE NOOZ TO CLOSE
  AFTER NINETY-THREE YEARS!
  FINAL
    ISSUE
       The depressing word spread out from Hellmouth last week like the ripples caused by a toaster dropped into the still waters of Lake Runnamuck, creeping across the muddy Horntoad River Valley and slouching down byways and flyways into Cheese- quake, Hummingbird Junction and Mary's Wells, about the imminent closing down of Southwest Arizona's premier primatology newspaper, the Primate Nooz.  Many local residents rubbed their eyes and turned down their radios when they heard the shocking bulletins, wishing it not to be true.  There was a run on aspirins at Al's Pharmaceuticals. Joe put out the Closed sign at his Not So Bad Cafe and went home to commiserate with his wife and children.  KNUZ-FM began playing funeral dirges.  The Antlered Animals Lodge Hall Annual Fall Picnic was cancelled, and a pall of gloom settled over Pine and Vine Streets.  Everyone was thinking that they would remember just where they were and what they were doing when they heard the unbelievable tidings.
        It has been ninety-three years since Bucephalus T. Stephens tentatively placed the first stack of Nooz's on the cracked front steps of the Old Hellmouth City Hall, ninety- three years of the best primatology reporting ever read in this part of Southwest Ariz- ona, ninety-three years of features like “News Behind the News,” “200 Months Ago Today,” “Monkey Puzzles,” and “Dateline Hellmouth,” ninety-three years of stories like Myrtle Milliken's discovery of the hopping howlers, the establishment of the Prehensile Tail Foundation, the Monkey Wars in Jujube, and the Nooz's invitation to visit the White House.
        The history of the Primate Nooz in Hellmouth has been a checkered one.  It has been neither easy nor smooth.  It has proceeded in fits and starts.  There have been years with no issues at all, and others when the Nooz popped up like mushrooms in a light spring rain.  Yet through it all, the editors of this award-winning publication have refused to settle for a less-than-excellent standard, they have made sure their pencils were sharp and their paper clip bins full, and they have kept the keen eye of the Nooz focused on the world of primatology like a barber pole python on the track of a deer- mouse deer.  But now that eye will be closed, the pencils will grow dull, the paper clip bin will have just a few paper clips rattling around in the bottom, and dust-free squares will appear where Nooz newsboxes used to stand, and Hellmouthites, Cheesequakers and Runnamuckians will have to turn to Primate Week, PRIMATE LIFE, and The Primate Times of London for their latest monkey news.  It's really quite sad, but there it is.
 
R.I.P... THE NOOZ
 
    TREE THISTLE PLANTATION
    LEVELED IN 5.9 EARTHQUAKE
(SW News)  Runnamuck, AZ.  The John P. Simon Tree Thistle Plantation was totally leveled by last Friday's earthquake, which rumbled across the Horntoad River Valley at 7:44am and registered 5.9 on the Richter scale, according to the geologists at Sigsbee Junior Night College, who pinpointed the epicenter as 4 miles west of the southern end of Lake Runnamuck.  Used refrigerators tumbled over at Johnny's Second Hand Appliances, and there were gobo roots strewn across the floor at the 24- hour ShopAlot in Mary's Wells, but there were only a few injuries reported at Hellmouth Holy Hospital.
      Tree thistles were introduced into the United States in 1980 and have become quite common in this part of Southwest Arizona.  They particularly like the sandy soil that is typical of the Horntoad River Valley, and spread with great vigor, much to the annoyance of most local gardeners.
 
  Primate Nooz is published at the discretion of publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. who wish on this the occasion of the final issue to thank and say goodbye to their many loyal supporters.  Copies used to be shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues are no longer available to be ordered, but comments and criticisms may be submitted for a few more days by writing to:
Primate Nooz, c/o The Primal Therapy Wing at Hellmouth Holy Hospital, Hellmouth, AZ.
 
      As most of our readers know by now, this will be the final issue of the Primate Nooz, the last of a unique and irreplaceable series.  Rising material and shipment costs and the ever-increasing demands of rapacious unions have made it financially impossible for us to continue, so the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation has decided to pull the plug.
      Over the years that the Nooz has been publishing, we have made it our constant goal to print all the news that fits.  We have brought you stories as diverse as the tearing down of the world's smallest monkey testing facility, the primate noodle marathon in Loeminster, Massachusetts, and the placement on the Endangered Species List of the Jujube jumping cornhole beetle, the primary food source of the Jujube sleepy colobus.  We scooped the nation when we reported the imminent rise in demand for tax- free edible bonds.  All we asked for was a tiny slice of the pie, just a thin wedge.  Hell, a piece of crust would have satisfied us.  But no!   Even that was too much for the predatory Union of Steamroom Workers (USW) and the grasping American Federation of Paper Flatteners and Ink Spreaders (AFPFIS), and they snapped at our heels until we were forced to fight back with the only weapon we had, the dissolution of the Nooz.
       The expression, “That's news!,” originated many years ago when the Nooz usually ran over 300 pages an issue and was published every day.  Delivery boys had to carry it around one at a time on their heads.  Since then we have been shrinking steadily like a tire with a slow leak, so that the copy of the Nooz you are reading now is a mere shadow of its former self.  And thus we bid a final fond adieu and farewell to all our many faithful readers. Thanks for being there.  R.I.P. Primate Nooz.
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