Vol. 89,  No. 2
Hellmouth, Arizona
Mar. 10, 1989

  MISSING BLUETAILS FOUND
  IN BERMUDA TRIANGLE!
         The hot cerulean sunlight lay like a thick blanket over the calm waters of the Caribbean last week as the huge silver and white Gabon Airways 747 carrying Dr. Oondóué M Boué began descending in its approach to the Miami International Airport. Dr. Boué, en route to the Irradiation of Primates Conference in Tampa, was listening half-heartedly to the air traffic control channel on his headset when he heard the pilot make the following cryptic remarks: “...don't know where we are...,” “...navigation readings are crazy...,” “...can't see the sun...,” and “...any more coffee back there?”  He tried to sleep, but his febrile mind continued to churn, turning the strange words over and over.
          Dr. Boué surely was not alone in noticing the sudden flickering of the cabin lights as the sky outside quickly grew dark and the large jet began banking first one way and then the other.  There must have been at least a few passengers other than Dr. Boué who became aware of the abrupt disappearance of the flight attendants.  He could not have been the only one to sense the total cessation of movement as the aircraft came to rest, somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.  Dr. Boué was fortunate to have a window seat, and as he peered out into the murk, he thought he saw a group of dispirited bluetail guenons wandering around as though searching for burrows.  Nothing else was visible, but he was certain that they were the missing monkeys from his Makokou Study Area in Gabon.  He frantically rang his call button again and again, but there was no
(Cont. on page 2)   
 

 HELLMOUTH HIT BY GREEN
 MONKEY FEVER EPIDEMIC

(AP) Hellmouth, Arizona. The peculiar set of illnesses that has been plaguing this frumpish and undusted little county seat for months has finally been diagnosed as green monkey fever by doctors from the Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center who specialize in some African diseases.
        At first it was only a few isolated cases over in the unfurnished neighborhoods west of the Cheesequake, Runnamuck and Hellmouth Railroad track, then it appeared to jump across town to the six square block area around the 1st National Bank of Hellmouth.  A woman named Blackie Thurswick got it next, and then a burly technician at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, Bisbee Appleframe. The week after that it seemed to be everywhere.  Ardley Smythe, circulation manager for the Nooz, was out sick for several days, and two other Nooz employees, Oretta Boudreaux, a junior staff writer, and an ink spreader named Mullard Frimley, complained of chest pains.  Along the two blocks of 3rd Avenue between Vine and Pine there were twelve cases altogether.
        No one is sure just where it came from, but the Hell-mouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility is known to have been working on green monkey research.

 
RICE CRISIS WORSENS
AS WORLD LOOKS ON

(AP)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  The rice crisis in Bali-Bali worsened this week as a worried world watched, waited and held its collective breath. Reports from the area spoke of citizens and other people staying indoors as hundreds of gray paladins and a few muscatels desperately roamed the empty streets of this oddly-colored capital city searching for the starchy food.  A few pouched langurs broke into the Rice Exchange, but it was emptied weeks ago.  The Nooz switchboard was quickly besieged with requests for information about relatives and loved ones, but we know even less than the next person, so don't call us.
 
 Primate Nooz is published whenever the doctor  says we can get out of bed by the Ralph A.  Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan  Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are  shipped to every major zoo and animal testing  facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of  Africa, Asia and South America (except Costa  Rica).  Back issues may be obtained by writing  to: Primate Nooz, c/o Cheesequake, Runnamuck  and Hellmouth Railroad Co., Hellmouth, AZ.
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