Vol. 89,  No. 3
Hellmouth, Arizona
May 10, 1989

  HELLMOUTH MAYOR DIES
  OF GOBO ROOT POISONING!
         Hellmouth Mayor Col. John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., collapsed suddenly in his office last week and was rushed by ambulance to Sigsbee Junior Night College Medical Center.  By the time he was wheeled into the hotly-lit and crowded emergency room, he was sweating profusely, his skin had a sickly glaucous sheen, and his breathing was shallow and labored.  He lapsed into unconsciousness almost immediately and was declared no longer living within minutes.  Doctors who examined him thought at first that he might have swallowed a chicken bone, but an autopsy later revealed that he had a serious case of gobo root poisoning.
          Former Mayor Beazleton came to Hellmouth from Hatchechubbee, Alabama, as a young man fresh out of high school.  Ironically, it was to Sigsbee Junior Night College that the future businessman and mayor took his academic ambitions.  And it was at Sigsbee that he first joined the Arizona Naval Reserve, later transferring to the Air National Guard and then to Marine ROTC, after brief stints in the Air Force and Coast Guard.  After graduation from Sigsbee, he went on to Cheesequake University where he majored in military history, and was a fraternity mate of Nooz publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr.
          Although he somehow finally rose to the rank of Colonel, his Marine Corps. career was not distinguished, and he was passed over for promotion twelve times before he finally resigned to become a businessman, returning to Hellmouth in 1967.
(Cont. on page 2)   
 

RESEARCH CENTER FLOODED
BY TORRENTIAL RAINS

(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  The Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center was flooded last weekend by a freak series of rainstorms that swept rapidly up the muddy Horntoad River valley, disrupting the publication of this issue of the Nooz, and sending primates scurrying for cover.  Several bridges were washed out, a number of local pomegranate farms and gobo root plantations found themselves underwater, and the town of Cheesequake was forced to declare a state of emergency, but the worst damage was done to the prestigious Rainforest Center where dozens of huge dipterocarps were uprooted from the sandy Arizona soil and lay like match-sticks on a glassy tabletop.
        “We've never had anything like this,” remarked Dr. Thurston P. Barnstable, Director of the fifty-year-old establishment and coincidentally father of Nooz secretary Henrietta Barnstable. “You'd think a Rainforest Center would be prepared for a little rain,” he mused somewhat ruefully, “but it seems we weren't.”  The normally placid Henrietta, who grew up with her mother in Runnamuck, was distraught and not available for comment.  Publisher Arnett Putney, III has hired a temp to fill in for her.
        Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud told the Nooz that his men are guarding the premises to prevent looting. The Center will be closed until further notice while repairs are being made.  Meanwhile, all of the primates resident at the facility have been removed and will be housed in local motels for the time being.

 

             LOCAL MAN DECLARES
             CANDIDACY FOR MAYOR

(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A local man, Mr. Frank Pruner, declared today that he is a candidate for the office of Mayor that was suddenly vacated last week by Col. John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret. Pruner, a successful gobo root farmer and self-styled entrepreneur, is 48, a high school graduate, has two grown children and lives out on State Rt. 229, just beyond the Used Tire Reclaiming Yards.  Standing on the steps of the 1st National Bank of Hellmouth, he cited his considerable experience in politics and agriculture including part of a year as the County Extension Agent from December 1971 to February 1972.  He vehemently denied that there is any connection between the crop he raises, former Mayor Beazleton's untimely demise, and his own candidacy.  He will be holding a press conference to answer questions and outline his campaign strategy.

 
 Primate Nooz is published intermittently during the  rainy season by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale  Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes,  President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every  major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and  air-dropped over much of Africa, South America  and Asia (except for Costa Rica). Back issues may  be obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o  Charlie Chan's Chinese Chili Parlor, Hellmouth,  Arizona.
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