Vol. 90,  No. 5
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Sep. 10,  1990

        Newspapers were abruptly cancelled and small children advised to stay home from school yesterday as sad-eyed scientists and frustrated bureaucrats struggled to cope with the most recent outbreak of  'mad monkey' disease, a debilitating illness that has plagued primates for many years and that now has struck the eastern desert galagos of Jujube, causing them to act irrationally, get into trouble more often, and generally disrupt the plans of others. Puzzled primatologists and biomedical soothsayers from near and far swarmed around the epicenter of the outbreak almost as noisily as bees, as they tried mightily but largely in vain to describe the event and explain to those of us less technically sophisticated just what had happened.
        The normally crowded streets of the provincial town of Mt. Darwin emptied within hours of the announcement from the Ministry of Disease.  Stores were boarded up and water deliveries suspended.  The wind dropped to a whisper and the sky seemed to go just a bit yellowish, although that was probably only one person's overheated imagination.  Radios were turned down just to be on the safe side, and people had to lean closer to listen to the latest bulletins.  Beyond the affected area, only a graduate student or two could sometimes be seen hurrying along from one building to the next.  Even indoors, the paralyzed populace could hear the dreadful sound of rampaging galagos, and those who weren't sleeping could only hope that their barricaded doors and windows would prove sufficient to protect them.
        When outbreaks of this sort have occurred in the past, they have usually lasted any-where from two to four years, although sometimes only a few weeks, but this one has been recognized as being particularly severe.  The Mt. Darwin Public Safety Committee has thus far not proposed any means of dealing with the crisis, and most members seemed to share the
(Cont. on page 2)  
(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  World-famous Professor
Mitsuo Ohhohoho, his puffy cheeks still burning
from the stinging rebuke handed him by the Ad-
visory Board of the Primate Nooz, which dropped
him from their ranks like a hot gobo root, has
bounced back with oriental pugnacity and steely
nerve, and this week took some of the proceeds
from his books My Life with the Macaques,
Mitsuo's Monkeys and Lost in the Hellish Ama-
, and founded the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho
Primate Language Institute.  The new language
center, located at 3rd and Vine, will likely feature
all primate vocalizations, and will utilize ASL, sym-
bolic logic, squares and triangles, and electronic
keyboards.  Courses are being organized now, and
will begin in late 1991.  Dr. Ohhohoho will most
probably remain in Libreville, Gabon, to avoid any
prosecution for his faked disappearance.
  Primate Nooz is published whenever Dr. Mitsuo Ohhohoho fakes a disappearance by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except Costa Rica).  Back issues may be requested by writing politely to: The Primate Nooz, c/o The Baxter-Burnham Inflatable Building, 323 Vine Street, Hellmouth, Arizona.  
(Reuters)  Nzega-Itigi, Tanzania.  Unless a certain unfor-
tunately well-entrenched official can be persuaded to
change his mind by noon Friday, the famous African
primate research station of Bugulu Junction, located in a
valley directly between two mountains somewhat color-
fully named by the native inhabitants the 'Breasts of
Venus,' and run for the past twenty-seven years by the
tough yet not unattractive Dr. Olivia Wartsenall, will
have to cease operation and close its gates.  By next
Saturday, station personnel will be shutting down their
pioneering study, putting away their diplomas, packing
up their primates, and carting off pencils, stop watches
and data sheets, and all because of a Mr. Hoomlaya
Boompupu, Director-General of the Tanzania Depart-
of Parks, Wildlife and Economic Development, who
apparently decided last month to terminate the station's
lease and turn it over to a Chinese company that will be
devoted to the breeding for local consumption of the
Tanzanian fat-eared fox.
      The fat-eared fox was first discovered in 1796 by
Julius Nwere, who was a porter on Mungo Park's first
exploration of the Niger. Then David Livingstone shot
one in 1845 in southern Africa and realized that it was
quite tasty.  The fat-eared fox has almost as much fat in
its ears as many animals not quite so large have in their
entire bodies.  Local people have not taken to it as of
yet, but there is every anticipation that they will when
they become hungry enough.  Mr. Boompupu plans to
start a chain of diners selling foxburgers and gorogo
bean salads.  Dr. Wartsenall has thus far remained
unavailable for comment.
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