PRIMATE
STATION TO BE
CLOSED BY GOVERNMENT |
|
|
|
MITSUO OHHOHOHO
FOUNDS
PRIMATE LANGUAGE CENTER
|
|
|
(AP) Hellmouth, AZ. World-famous
Professor
Mitsuo Ohhohoho, his puffy cheeks still burning
from the stinging rebuke handed him by the Ad-
visory Board of the Primate Nooz, which dropped
him from their ranks like a hot gobo root, has
bounced back with oriental pugnacity and steely
nerve, and this week took some of the proceeds
from his books My Life with the Macaques,
Mitsuo's Monkeys and Lost in the Hellish Ama-
zon, and founded the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho
Primate Language Institute. The new language
center, located at 3rd and Vine, will likely feature
all primate vocalizations, and will utilize ASL, sym-
bolic logic, squares and triangles, and electronic
keyboards. Courses are being organized now, and
will begin in late 1991. Dr. Ohhohoho will most
probably remain in Libreville, Gabon, to avoid any
prosecution for his faked disappearance. |
|
|
|
Primate
Nooz is published whenever Dr.
Mitsuo Ohhohoho fakes a disappearance by the Ralph A.
Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes,
President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped to every
major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and
air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America
(except Costa Rica). Back issues may be requested
by writing politely to: The Primate Nooz, c/o The
Baxter-Burnham Inflatable Building, 323 Vine Street, Hellmouth,
Arizona. |
|
|
|
|
(Reuters) Nzega-Itigi,
Tanzania. Unless a certain unfor-
tunately well-entrenched official can be persuaded to
change his mind by noon Friday, the famous African
primate research station of Bugulu Junction, located in a
valley directly between two mountains somewhat color-
fully named by the native inhabitants the 'Breasts of
Venus,' and run for the past twenty-seven years by the
tough yet not unattractive Dr. Olivia Wartsenall, will
have to cease operation and close its gates. By next
Saturday, station personnel will be shutting down their
pioneering study, putting away their diplomas, packing
up their primates, and carting off pencils, stop watches
and data sheets, and all because of a Mr. Hoomlaya
Boompupu, Director-General of the Tanzania Depart-
of Parks, Wildlife and Economic Development, who
apparently decided last month to terminate the station's
lease and turn it over to a Chinese company that will be
devoted to the breeding for local consumption of the
Tanzanian fat-eared fox.
The fat-eared fox was first discovered
in 1796 by
Julius Nwere, who was a porter on Mungo Park's first
exploration of the Niger. Then David Livingstone shot
one in 1845 in southern Africa and realized that it was
quite tasty. The fat-eared fox has almost as much fat in
its ears as many animals not quite so large have in their
entire bodies. Local people have not taken to it as of
yet, but there is every anticipation that they will when
they become hungry enough. Mr. Boompupu plans to
start a chain of diners selling foxburgers and gorogo bean salads.
Dr. Wartsenall has thus far remained
unavailable for comment. |
|