Page Four


After having for years been besieged (and irritated) by
requests for a scientific letters column, such as in
Nature or Science, an idea which we thought at first
ridiculous and which we resisted up until this morning,
Primate Nooz is now proud to announce that it will
henceforth have a scientific letters column, perhaps not
quite like the one in Nature, but more like the one in
PRIMATE LIFE.  This column will be confined to scien-
tific letters only, and the letters are going to have to be
really scientific.  Every letter will be screened and scru-
tinized by our Scientific Standards Department, and less
than scientific letters will simply not be accepted. The
column will appear in the Nooz on a semi-regular basis,
and will be called “Really Scientific Letters.”

We are also proud to be able to announce the promotion
of Mr. Christopher Shaw from West Coast Correspondent
to West Coast Correspondent and Really Scientific Letters Editor, which we sincerely hope will induce him to drop
once and for all any plans he may be harboring to sue us.

'Recommended Reading' is now being handled by a new
addition to our staff, Dr. Thrace Thrasher, M.D. of the National Monkey Center, while Win Wing Win, eldest son
of the late frozen Win Wing Wan, has returned to Hupeh, China, to begin his very own series of 'Recommended
Reading' wall posters.


Dr. Francois Q.B. Rochefort-Chateauroux  (1968).  In
Search of the Fiddler Monkey
.  Rochefort-Chateauroux
Institute of Simian Science Press, Les Ecole de Chapuiy,
France.  *****

Piet Mons Apeldoorn  (1977).  Two Hundred Months in
a Borneo Rainforest: A Personal Account of the Kuala-
kurun Tarsier Observation and Behavior Modification
.  Dayak and Sons, Balikpapan, Kalimantan, In-
donesia.  *****

Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy  (1984).  "Use of
Baseball Speed Guns to Determine Plummeting Rates in
the Cercopithecoidea of Ipipwi Forest."  Journal of Ab-
normal Primatology
, 23(2):31-44.  *****

Christopher Shaw  (1990).  "Aquaculture, Maintenance
and Ingestion of the Gobo Root and Other Poisonous
Tubers."  Reader's Digest, 921:52-65.  *1/2



Need to learn a new language?  No longer living
where you used to?  Forget the words for snake,
eagle and leopard?  Sounds like you need to enroll
in a language course at the Professor Mitsuo Oh-
hohoho Primate Language Institute.  We have
vocalizations and calls for every major species,
also ASL.  No need to study, we do all the work
here at the Institute.  Located at the corner of 3rd
and Vine in beautiful downtown Hellmouth.  Fully
accredited by the Southwest Arizona Association
of Primate Language Institutes.  Come on down,
we have comfortable chairs.

Looking for something a bit different this year?
The gift that everyone has but still appreciates?
Try us, we have all kinds of hand-crafted items:
termite sticks, leaf wads, nutcracking stones and
much, much more.  Write for free catalog to Cheap
Chimpanzee Products, General Delivery Box 57,
Ashanti, Togobogo.

The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council
needs a few researchers or anyone else who is free
at the moment to record behavioral data on our
new really slow lorises.  Must be extremely patient.
Very, very patient.  We're talking about REALLY
PATIENT!  So if you are this type, please apply at
once at Hellmouth Zoo Association, 65562 Crema-
torium Drive, Hellmouth.

The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council is
seeking anyone who has lost their sense of smell
to participate in a long-term stinky galago research
project.  It's very important that you have NO
sense of smell.  May also assist in preparing high-
protein durian milkshakes for our Asian primates.
If you are in this category, please don't delay in
contacting the Hellmouth Zoo Association, 65562
Crematorium Drive, Hellmouth.

  Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Mahatutu Injured Leaf Monkey Shelter, the Swedish Primatological Association, the Bluetail Foundation, Doody's Cut-Rate Medical Supplies, the Vancouver Vertical Clinging and Leaping Society, Hellmouth Used Tire Reclaiming Yards, the Rafikistan High Altitude Monkey Plummet-ing Union, the Practically Dead Primate Special Care Center, the Blacknose Gelada Alliance of Egypt and the Sudan, the North American Feder-ation of Nasal Excavators, and the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium Docent Council.  
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre, CA.

Adult male tight-lipped marmoset, mate died recently
after producing a fine pair of offspring who are now
driving me crazy.  They're almost as big as I am and they
still want to ride.  Need female to share burden.  Please,
I'm getting desperate.  A2

Sub-adult female Allenopithecus (Allen's swamp mon-
key for those of you who don't know) desires to better
position in the world and leave the swamp.  Would not
be averse to establishing a relationship with one of the
more advanced cercopithecines.  Not very good-looking
but quite energetic.  B9.

Young, bright, free-spirited, incredibly attractive female
primate (I won't say what kind because I love mystery
and I'm open to any genus or species) seeks high-
spirited companion.  Sexual dichromatism and dimor-
phism are definite turn-ons for me.  I want to be taken
care of.  You must be the dominant type, strong,
healthy, experienced, big enough in all the pertinent
dimensions, with good vision and superb vocal ability.
Send photos and tape.  D12

Male silverback mountain gorilla with severe asthma
wants to resettle in lowland locality.  Preferably a re-
serve of some kind, but will consider a zoo if the right
place is available.  Son anxious to take my place so must
act in a hurry.  Call now.  R17.

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