Vol. 93,  No. 1
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Jun. 10,  1993
  GIANT MONKEY SIGHTED
  SOMEWHERE NORTH OF NEPAL!
(INA)  North of Nepal, Asia.  A giant monkey was reported to have been sighted less than a week ago somewhere north of Nepal by several members of an international research team headed by Dr. Poon Sanddandtundra, the well-known Indian.  The large and somewhat unattractive simian was described as having longish and brownish fur and small eyes, and as being about 3-1/2 feet tall.  It had a prominent cranial tuft and a short stubby tail.  Dr. Sanddandtundra notified the local authorities that this was the largest primate of any type that had been previously observed.  Within hours, telegrams and letters of congratulation began pouring into the nearby post office, and the Royal Simian Society of Bhutan voted to make the noted Indian an honorary member.
        When the team members first approached, the creature stood up to its full height, then went down on all fours, then stood up again and immediately lay down and rolled over, after which it sat up, blinked several times, waved its arms, then leaned slowly over, did a com-plete sideways somersault, stood up again, and finally fell over backwards, knocking itself unconscious against a rotten tree stump, but apart from these activities, there was nothing unusual about its behavior.
        “I've seen this kind of thing before,” said Dr. Sanddandtundra, mopping his brow in evident nervous exhaustion.  “It's just that the primate in question here is larger than any we have sighted heretofore.”  The eminent Indian has previously been responsible for reporting sightings of the lesser winking martindale, the black-headed river monkey, the Hawaiian baboon, the dwarf hopping tamarin, the lazy-eyed lemur, and the black-and-blue diving guenon, all of which have for quite some time been considered to be extinct species.  Dr. Sanddandtundra's team includes Professor Vilvoorde Turnhout of the New Dutch National Monkey School, Dr. Bozdogan Denizli of the Ankara University Primatology Dept., Dr. R.L. Ratchasima Phichit of the Indochinese Primate Union, and Dr. Massenya Moussoro of
(Cont. on page 4)
 
  MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE
  EXCAVATED IN GORGONZOLA!
 
    FAMED PRIMATE CENTER ALMOST
    DESTROYED BY METEOR IMPACT
(AP)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  The world-renowned
Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological
Observatory in the heart of north central Tasmania
was almost destroyed yesterday by the impact of a
large meteor.  The meteor strike and resulting blast
occurred at 7:21am, a time when many of the small
facility's primatologists were getting coffee and
donuts.  No word on casualties has been released,
but it is doubtful that there were many since the
meteor landed approximately 127 miles away outside
the small and remote community of Conara Junction.
At the time of the impact, the frequently-fueding
Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith were
both attending the Conference on North Himalayan
Primates in Auckland and could not be reached for
comment.  This is the third primate research facility
to be almost hit by a meteor in the past year.  The
Loeriesfontein Primate Park in South Africa and the
Macachín Monkey Reserve in Argentina also had
close calls from meteor strikes.
 
  Primate Nooz is published whenever large primates are sighted north of Nepal or anywhere else, by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facil-ity in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Asia, Africa and South America (except Costa Rica). Back issues are scarce but occasionally may be ob-tained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Baxter-Burnham Inflatable Building, Hellmouth, AZ.  
(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A world jaded by overlarge
helpings of gorogo bean pie was jarred into an uneasy
alertness last week by the stunning announcement
that a message from the future had been received by
explorer extraordinaire and Primate Nooz roving
correspondent Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, better
known to some perhaps as the discoverer of the fabled
lost city of the cercopithecines, and other things.
After thousands of hours of incredibly tedious work,
the message has finally been translated, although its
meaning has not been adequately explained.  This is
the first message ever to be received from the future,
and as such will no doubt occupy the attention of
people who study these kinds of things for a long
time, such as Professor William Strange of the Inter-
temporal Communication Institute.
      Although it was at first reported that the wierd
message from a distant tomorrow was excavated in the
tiny and almost unnoticeable Central American nation
of Gorgonzola, high athwart the rugged ramparts of
the Chiquita Mountains, that was not strictly speaking
true. What really happened is that the message was
found on a torn scrap of paper in the deteriorating and
termite ridden rolltop desk of Professor Ohhohoho
during the search for him while he was “lost” in the
poison-filled basin of the ancient ant-strewn Amazon.
The message languished there in the bottom drawer
under some musty legal documents for seven months
after first being found by the downstairs maid, and
was only recently brought to light and translated at
the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Language
Institute.
(Cont. on page 2)                
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