Vol. 89,  No. 8


  Hellmouth, Arizona


  Dec. 10, 1989
STILL FREE
 
   
 
        Hellmouth high society was reeling today in the wake of last weekend's horrible disclosure about the death of Basil, the world's last and only bleary-eyed baboon.  Primate Nooz reported last April that Basil had died at Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, but what the Nooz did not report, what indeed its parent company, the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., has been seeking to cover up, is that Basil actually died at the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility after an experimental and highly-risky not to say painful reconstructive surgical procedure designed to alter his features to make him look more like a giant pygmy chimpanzee.
        Reporters from Primate Nooz have tried several times to contact Dr. Doody in hopes of getting his side of the story, but it appears that he is holed up in his Nooz office, hard at work on his popular column “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner,” and has so far rebuffed all attempts to question him.  However, an anonymous source named Reeves Slaughterhouse, who assisted Dr. Doody with the ethically-unsound operation, has confirmed all the major details in an exclusive interview which he gave to Nooz senior staff writers Hugh Underhouse and Millicent Minniwell.

        According to Slaughterhouse, a young intern only recently out of medical school in Mexico, Basil was secretly shipped from Beijing to Los Angeles on a Gabon Airways flight in January of 1988, then trans-ported by truck to Hellmouth, where he was forcibly placed in a musty 2'x2'x3' cage with not nearly enough bananas.  Slaughterhouse told the Nooz reporters that he has evidence that publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. knew all along about the series of operations, but he is afraid to release it because they have threatened him.  He said that he believes that the Nooz higher-ups are hoping for a major scoop on a breakthough in medical technology, and are apparently willing to overlook the impropriety of this risky procedure.
        Dr. Doody was also involved recently in the near-death of Sir Barclay Buffum and the supposedly accidental decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, and it was only after intense public pressure was brought to bear on the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility that he was suspended from his duties as Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Department.  Doody has also been implicated in the fatal cryogenic freezing of Nooz editor and author Win Wing Wan.

 

GIANT SPACE PRIMATE
APPARENTLY HEADING
TOWARD THE EARTH!

(BBC World Service)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  In what is surely one of the most startling announcements ever from Down Under, Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith claimed this week to have intercepted a signal of some kind from outer space or at least outer Tasmania, which indicates that for some unguessed-at reason from some unknown location there is some sort of giant creature, probably a type of otherworldly primate, heading directly toward the Earth or somewhere near it.  The fractious pair of veteran monkey-watchers was using the 36" telescope at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory last Tuesday when their computer registered a tiny anomaly.  The normally imperturbable Dr. Waddamana immediately called for a mug and a pot of hot, steaming, black Tasmanian tea, from which he sipped in obvious agitation while the delicate equipment was being checked over by Dr. Smith.
        The signal stopped after a few minutes, but not before Dr. Smith had analysed its contents and managed to snap a single grainy photograph.  Against the advice and better judgement of Dr. Waddamana, he called the editor of the Mole Creek Monitor with the exciting news that something is moving in our direction, and in all likelihood it is possibly a previously-undiscovered type of giant space-dwelling primate.
        “This is obviously a stunning development,” said Dr. Waddamana while puffing thoughtfully on a large pipeful of nauseatingly-smelly Tasmanian tobacco, “and we certainly don't know what to make of it at this point.  However, we are watching the situation as closely as we can.”  Dr. Smith has remained uncharacteristically silent since the find.  The Australian Air Defense Command has sent a team to Mole Creek to verify the find and seal off the area.  The team

 
should arrive in a few weeks. Lt. Gen. Farley P. Brisbane Wollonggong of the AADC stated that the Australian government definitely considers the creature to be a major threat and has promised that it will take whatever precautions would seem to be necessary to counter it.  It is not known yet how long it will be before the space-travelling primate enters Australian airspace, but citizens are already being warned to be on the lookout for it.
 
 The single photo taken by Dr. Basil Smith of the  strange craft approaching Earth and carrying what  appears to be some kind of space ape.
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