| Hellmouth high society
was reeling today in the wake of last weekend's horrible disclosure
about the death of Basil, the world's last and only bleary-eyed baboon.
Primate Nooz reported last April that Basil had died at Beijing's
Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, but what the Nooz did not report,
what indeed its parent company, the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp.,
has been seeking to cover up, is that Basil actually died at the Hellmouth
Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility after an experimental
and highly-risky not to say painful reconstructive surgical procedure
designed to alter his features to make him look more like a giant
Reporters from Primate
Nooz have tried several times to contact Dr. Doody in hopes of getting
his side of the story, but it appears that he is holed up in his Nooz
office, hard at work on his popular column Dr. Doody's Cutting
Corner, and has so far rebuffed all attempts to question him.
However, an anonymous source named Reeves Slaughterhouse, who assisted
Dr. Doody with the ethically-unsound operation, has confirmed all
the major details in an exclusive interview which he gave to Nooz
senior staff writers Hugh Underhouse and Millicent Minniwell.
According to Slaughterhouse,
a young intern only recently out of medical school in Mexico, Basil
was secretly shipped from Beijing to Los Angeles on a Gabon Airways
flight in January of 1988, then trans-ported by truck to Hellmouth,
where he was forcibly placed in a musty 2'x2'x3' cage with not nearly
enough bananas. Slaughterhouse told the Nooz reporters
that he has evidence that publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive
editor Widen Lundale, Jr. knew all along about the series of operations,
but he is afraid to release it because they have threatened him.
He said that he believes that the Nooz higher-ups are hoping
for a major scoop on a breakthough in medical technology, and are
apparently willing to overlook the impropriety of this risky procedure.
Dr. Doody was also
involved recently in the near-death of Sir Barclay Buffum and the
supposedly accidental decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, and
it was only after intense public pressure was brought to bear on
the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility that he was suspended
from his duties as Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Department.
Doody has also been implicated in the fatal cryogenic freezing of
Nooz editor and author Win Wing Wan.