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In this issue, we are proud as punch to introduce “The   Nooz Phone, ” which will feature telephone interviews   with some very interesting people in the primate world.   If any of our readers know of an interesting person, or any person,  please let us know at 1-800-223-6743.
Readers of Primate Nooz, whether they are regular, occasional or infrequent, are kindly requested to respond to the poll below and mail it to:  Primate Nooz Poll Department, c/o Hubbleheimer's 5 and Dime, Hellmouth, AZ.  We will announce the results in the next issue.

     I really love the new format!  It has so many  great features and just plain more of that good old  Nooz.

    Yes, I like the new format.  I was getting  tired of the same old features. I especially like “The  Nooz” Phone.

    I'm not sure how I feel about the new format.  I'd like to see another issue, but I think you ought  to drop “Announcements and Rumors.”

    No, I don't like the new format, but “The  Nooz Phone” isn't too bad.

    I really hate the new format and if it isn't  discontinued immediately, I will cancel my  subscription.

For accounting purposes, we request the following information:




Tel. #_________________IRS Tax ID #_______

SSN #________________ DL # _____________

Places of employment for last 16 years __________

Mother's maiden name__________Birthday______

Bank account #_________Bank name__________

(APE)  Banjarmasin, Kalimantan.  High winds resulting from Friday's Typhoon Mary swayed trees and caused temperatures to plunge several degrees on the mysteriously-shaped SE Asian island of Borneo.  Primates and other animals shivered in the unexpectedly cold weather.  The humidity was uncharacteristically low as well with a reading of only 88%.  This was the first typhoon that Borneo has experienced since last week.

NOOZ:  “Hello”.
Caller:  “Hello?”
NOOZ:  “Yes, hello, who's calling please?”
Caller:  “HELLO?”
NOOZ:  “What's your name please?”
Caller:  “Is this the Nooz Phone?”
NOOZ:  “Yes, who's calling?”
Caller:  “Uh, Chris.”
NOOZ:  “Yes, Chris, what's your question today?”
Caller:  “Well, I....”
NOOZ:  “Could you speak up?”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “What's that?”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “Have you got something to say, Chris?”
Caller:  “Yes, I....”
NOOZ:  “Well, what is it?”
Caller:  “I....
NOOZ:  What?”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “Chris, we're going to have to cut you off if you don't say something.”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “Turn your radio off.”
NOOZ:  “What's your last name, Chris?”
Caller:  “Shaw.”
NOOZ:  “Where do you live?”
Caller:  “High in the Hollywood Hills.”
NOOZ:  “Are you married? Kids?”
Caller:  “Yes to both.”
NOOZ:  “OK, Chris, now for the big one.  Here goes. What did you call about?”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “Where do you work, Chris?”
Caller:  “At the Page Museum. In the paleontology lab.”
NOOZ:  “Chris, you must be a smart person.  Is there some reason why you can't say why you called?”
Caller:  “Yes, I.....”
NOOZ:  “What's that?”
Caller:  “I....”
Caller:  “Yes, I....”
NOOZ:  “Oh this is ridiculous.  Are you going to say anything?”
Caller:  “Yes, I....”
NOOZ:  “We're losing our patience, Chris.”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “This is your last chance, Chris.  Do you have anything to say?”
Caller:  “I....”
NOOZ:  “Bye, Chris.

It is rumored that Mars, Inc., makers of the Snickers Bar, has retained counsel to represent Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended), in the trial  which was to have begun this week, but which has  now been delayed due to certain constitutional questions.  Mr. Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus has passed the final exam in his correspondence course on  auto mechanics and will hopefully be able to keep his  car running well enough to continue his highly-regarded  “Report from the Field” series.  He received a grade of  C+ and the Nooz congratulates him.  He recently  stopped off in Hellmouth en route to the green and unruly forests of northern Bali-Bali, where he will assist  in search efforts for the missing Professor Mitsuo  Ohhohoho.
        Primate Nooz would like to welcome Mr. Ardrey  Gooberman, who will be taking over management of  the glue department from Mr. Noodle Milhouse, who  retires at the end of the month. There is no truth to the  rumor that Mr. Donald Dimwiddie went to Las
Vegas last month with the unnamed wife of prominent local businessman Mr. Joe Sinderland, owner of Joe's Not So Bad Cafe.  He was in Las Vegas, but he was attending the 19th Annual National Convention of Steam Room Superintendents.
        Primate Nooz has just learned about the injury to the brain of Mr. Chris Shaw of the Page Museum, also West Coast correspondent of the Nooz.  Apparently it took place last January, but nobody bothered to tell us about it.  Sorry we can't let you know how it happened because legal action is pending, but the story was quite a doozy.  An exciting find was made recently in the ruins of the Nooz building, a box of old Primate Nooz's from 1931. That was the year of the big Hellmouth fire in which all the back issues from March through October were destroyed. We are especially pleased because April's issue contained the prototype of our current “What is...?” series, which asked the puzzling question, “What is the Potato Bug.” Although faded, it is still readable, and we may reprint it someday.
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