Vol. 90,  No. 1
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jan. 10, 1990

In a stunning development that shocked and dismayed publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., a vast majority of the readers of Primate Nooz have soundly rejected the new format suggested by West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher Shaw and painstakingly worked out over the past several months by hardworking members of the format department.  The results of the readers' poll in the last issue were tabulated on Monday and announced by department head Crowley Alexander, and were as follows: Love the new format, 2%; Like the new format, 4%; Not sure, 10%; Don't like the new format, 19%; and Hate the new format, 65%.
        Mr. Shaw issued a statement from his soapstone-lined hideaway high in the Hollywood Hills in which he apologized to Nooz readers in general and to his many fans and admirers in particular for having let them down.  “I did the best I could," he said, “I'm ready to resign at any time publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. ask me to."  Mr. Shaw also alluded to the uncomfortable fact, so far unsubstantiated, that much of the new format concept was actually the brainchild of the late Win Wing Wan, the former editor lately in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section, who was accidentally cryogenically frozen by Dr. Dick Doody several months ago in an unauthorized attempt to correct his Chinaman's Elbow problem at the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  Several people interviewed on the street suggested that Shaw is just trying to shift the responsibility for the failure of the new format.
        The only feature that was viewed positively by readers and may be retained is “The Nooz Phone,” which ironically was not one of Mr. Shaw's ideas, and which also ironically featured a telephone conversation with Mr. Shaw himself.  The old format will be reinstated until the senior editors can decide what to do next.
(Reuters)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  An orangutan has won the Twenty-Seventh Annual Fig Swallowing Competition held last week at the Burunamieh YPCA. The result was no surprise to anyone, since orangutans had won all twenty-six of the previous contests, but for he first time there was a lot of open grumbling amongst some of the lesser primates about the unfair size advantage of Pongo antiquus, and the four judges had to long call until the discontent died down.
        The victorious pongid, 38, whose name is Old One-Fingered Fred, is a long-time resident of the Kualakurun Primate Reserve, and has been in training for this event since narrowly losing the last three year's contests to a very large, reddish, ofttimes surly and ubsiguous Sumatran male named Emperor.
Primate Nooz is published whenever there are no  lawsuits hanging over us, by the Ralph A. Bennett  Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every  major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and  air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues may  or may not be available, but can be requested by  writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Thudwick, Thudwick, Marblehead and Thudwick, Hellmouth, AZ.
(AP)  Savannah, GA.  Puddles, one of the South's most famous primates, was killed Tuesday morning in a bizarre mishap at the new Peachblossom Park Zoo and Travelling Botanical Garden.  The incident occurred when an elephant apparently went berserk and knocked over a utility pole which fell on the fence surounding the African Rainforest exhibit.
        Panicked by the commotion, the Zoo's large prize collection of deermouse deer stampeded across the road, startling the driver of a passing maintenance truck who lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a hot dog vendor's stand, where a kettle of boiling oil over-turned, causing several short circuits and igniting a fire which spread rapidly through some dry brush to the Bluetail Breeding Barn.  Vigilant zookeepers were able to evacuate the frantically-spitting monkeys, but the roof collapsed, sending a burning beam down the hill and over Baboon Cliffs, where it crushed Puddles, who was sleeping peacefully in the sun.
        Puddles was best known for having sired most of Savannah's large baboon population.  He had twice appeared on local talk shows, displaying his large ischial callosities.  “I've only seen this kind of thing once before,” said Dr. Fred Flipple, Director of the recently-renovated nature facility.  “Puddles was supposed to go on Savannah Today tomorrow.”
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