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found a couple of flash tubes, some gas coils that still worked, and an optical pump, and he was off and running. Within a week that first model was able to illuminate a picnic area in Runnamuck State Park all the way from Hellmouth, with only two small brush fires as an unfortunate side effect. It was clear to all of us, especially to me, that Dad, Sir Horton, was on the track of something.  Later, he got the Nobel Prize for finding a black hole in the Newark, N.J. Bulk Mail Center.  When he died as a result of being burned severely by the spotlight, it was put up for auction and sold to some Japanese businessmen, but they couldn't make the payments so I was able to get it back. Now, years later, we have almost worked out all the bugs, and the little problems that continue to nag us, the minor scrapes and pinched fingers, the tendency of the spotlight to swing around without warning and burn people severely, and so on, are more of a nuisance than anything else.
      Many people have asked me as they see me wheeling the heavy spotlight around the Nooz offices just how it works.  To put it simply, the operation of the hydrogen laser spotlight is based on the fundamental theory of themolecule. Every molecule in the universe is pretty much like a warehouse of energy, with rows and rows and rows and rows of atoms stacked all the way up to the ceiling.  But when you try to pack too many atoms too close together, they get all excited and start glowing, and this is how laser light is produced.  The extreme power of the hydrogen laser spotlight enables it to illuminate vast areas in distant countries or focus on the tiniest pinhead.  The Nooz stays in constant contact with the fire departments of the countries which the spotlight is aimed at, just to be on the safe side.
      At the moment, the hydrogen laser spotlight is being refurbished at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair and having a few modifications done.  The technician there has promised that it will be ready in about a month. Some thirty days from now, the atmosphere will be in a good position to align the spotlight on the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged and ruined countrside of Madagascar, and we very much hope to be able to take advantage of this rare, only eight times a year happening.
Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, Primate Nooz roving correspondent and well-known author of Mitsuo's Monkeys, will appear in a free public lecture on Friday evening at the Holy Friends Hall, 8pm. The professor was found only recently after having been lost in the hellish Amazon for the past eight months, and it is about that experience that he will no doubt speak. On Saturday, he will address the large docent group at the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, and the Primatology Club at Sigsbee Junior Night College.

Editor's note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers and in which we ask different people in the field of
primatology major “What is” questions and watch them wiggle on the hook as they try to respond. In this issue, we are lucky to have with us Bill Measely, son of the lateSir Horton Measely, inventor and former owner of the hydrogen laser spotlight.  Although Bill is not sensu stricto a primatologist, he is nevertheless happy to have this opportunity to explain just what the hydrogen laser is and what it is not, and also to dispel a few nasty rumors about it. Bill's own Nooz feature, “Spotlight on the World,” is on hiatus right now but will probably be back in the next issue.
Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
The hydrogen laser spotlight is a spotlight unlike any other spotlight I have ever seen or heard about.  It's so different that you'd be amazed how anyone could think that it bears any resemblance at all to other spotlights. The hydrogen laser spotlight has about as much in common with ordinary spotlights as the aye-aye does with the aye-aye-aye.  When my father, Sir Horton, first invented the hydrogen laser spotlight, it was the only one in the United States.  In fact, it was the only one in the world, according to the U.S. Patent Office, although something like it was twice developed and then discarded in Hungary during the 1930's, and several Chinese scientists were working on a nitrogen laser spotlight as early as 1937. There are even a few military historians who believe that the real cause of World War II may have been the hydrogen laser spotlight and its potential uses for good and not-so-good.
      As I was saying, the hydrogen laser spotlight is a spotlight differing fundamentally from other spotlights, different in design, different in operation, and different in function.  If you were to put the hydrogen laser spotlight next to an ordinary spotlight, you would immediately notice the many discongruities.  It would be obvious to you as intelligent people how totally dissimilar in look and feel other spotlights are in comparison to the hydrogen laser spotlight.  The hydrogen laser spotlight is the only one that measures beam temperatures in degrees up to 1250°, and it's still the only one with its own completely self-contained inertial guidance and radar-tracking system, invented by my dad, Sir Horton.  It is the only spotlight among the many available to have been factory retrofitted with the latest state-of-the-art Measely Ground Instability Detection and Avoidance microchip, and it is the only spotlight you will ever see that has the words “Hydrogen Laser Spotlight” on a brass plaque bolted proudly right next to the horizontal control wheel.
      The first model of the hydrogen laser spotlight was cobbled together in our garage out of pieces of smaller spotlights and some old lasers Dad had lying around.  He
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