Vol. 90,  No. 5
Hellmouth, Arizona
Sep. 10, 1990

Newspapers were abruptly cancelled and small children advised to stay home from school yesterday as sad-eyed scientists and frustrated bureaucrats struggled to cope with the most recent outbreak of 'mad monkey' disease, a debilitating illness that has plagued primates for many years and that now has struck the eastern desert galagos of Jujube, causing them to act irrationally, get into trouble more often, and generally disrupt the plans of others.  Puzzled primatologists and biomedical soothsayers from near and far swarmed around the epicenter of the outbreak almost as noisily as bees, as they tried mightily but largely in vain to describe the event and explain to those of us less technically sophisticated just what had happened.
        The normally crowded streets of the provincial town of Mt. Darwin emptied within hours of the announcement from the Ministry of Disease.  Stores were boarded up and water deliveries suspended.  The wind dropped to a whisper and the sky seemed to go just a bit yellowish, although that was probably only one person's over-heated imagination.  Radios were turned down just to be on the safe side, and people had to lean closer to listen to the latest bulletins.  Beyond the affected area, only a graduate student or two could sometimes be seen hurrying along from one building to the next.  Even indoors, the paralyzed populace could hear the dreadful sound of rampaging galagos, and those who weren't sleeping could only hope that their barricaded doors and windows would prove sufficient to protect them.
        When outbreaks of this sort have occurred in the past, they have usually lasted anywhere from two to four years, although sometimes only a few weeks, but this one is recognized as being particularly severe.  The Mt. Darwin Public Safety Committee has thus far not proposed any means of dealing with the crisis, and most members seemed to share the sentiments of their President, Mr. Uhuru
(Cont. on page 2)   
(AP) Hellmouth, AZ.  Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, his puffy cheeks still burning from the stinging rebuke handed him by the Advisory Board of the Primate Nooz, which dropped him from their ranks like a hot gobo root, has bounced back with oriental pugnacity and steely nerve, and this week took some of the proceeds from his books My Life with the Macaques, Mitsuo's Monkeys and Lost in the Hellish Amazon, and founded the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Language Institute.  The new language center, located at 3rd and Vine, will likely feature all primate vocalizations, and will utilize ASL, symbolic logic, squares and triangles, and electronic keyboards.  Courses are being organized now, and will begin in late 1991.  Dr. Ohhohoho will probably remain in Libreville, Gabon, to avoid prosecution for his faked disappearance.
Primate Nooz is published whenever Dr. Mitsuo Ohhohoho fakes a disappearance by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except Costa Rica).  Back issues may be requested by writing politely to: The Primate Nooz, c/o The Baxter-Burnham Inflatable Building, 323 Vine Street, Hellmouth, Arizona.
(Reuters)  Nzega-Itigi, Tanzania.  Unless a certain unfortunately well-entrenched official can be persuaded to change his mind by noon Friday, the famous African primate research station of Bugulu Junction, located in a valley directly between two mountains somewhat colorfully named by the native inhabitants the 'Breasts of Venus,' and run for the past twenty-seven years by the tough yet not unattractive Dr. Olivia Wartsenall, will have to cease operation and close its gates.  By next Saturday, station personnel will be shutting down their pioneering study, putting away their diplomas, packing up their primates, and carting off pencils, stop watches and data sheets, and all because of a Mr. Hoomlaya Boompupu, Director-General of the Tanzania Department of Parks, Wildlife and Economic Development, who apparently decided last month to terminate the station's lease and turn it over to a Chinese company that will be devoted to the breeding for local consumption of the Tanzanian fat-eared fox.
      The fat-eared fox was first discovered in 1796 by Julius Nwere, who was a porter on Mungo Park's first exploration of the Niger. Then David Livingstone shot one in 1845 in southern Africa and realized that it was quite tasty.  The fat-eared fox has almost as much fat in its ears as many animals not quite so large have in their entire bodies.  Local people have not taken to it as of yet, but there is every anticipation that they will when they become hungry enough.  Mr. Boompupu plans to start a chain of restaurants selling foxburgers and gorogo bean salads.
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