After having for years been besieged (and irritated) by requests
for a scientific letters column, such as in Nature or Science,
an idea which we thought at first ridiculous and which we resisted
up until this morning, Primate Nooz is now proud to announce
that it will henceforth have a scientific letters column, perhaps
not quite like the one in Nature, but more like the one in
PRIMATE LIFE. This column will be confined to scientific
letters only, and the letters are going to have to be really scientific.
Every letter will be screened and scrutinized by our Scientific
Standards Department, and less than scientific letters will simply
not be accepted. The column will appear in the Nooz
on a semi-regular basis, and will be called Really Scientific
We are also proud to be able to announce the promotion of Mr. Christopher
Shaw from West Coast Correspondent to West Coast Correspondent
and Really Scientific Letters Editor, which we sincerely
hope will induce him to drop once and for all any plans he may be
harboring to sue us.
'Recommended Reading' is now being handled by a new addition to
our staff, Dr. Thrace Thrasher, M.D., while Win Wing Win, eldest
son of the late frozen Win Wing Wan, has returned to Hupeh, China,
to begin his very own series of 'Recommended Reading' wall posters.
RECOMMENDED READING BY DR. THRACE THRASHER, M.D.:
Dr. Francois Q.B. Rochefort-Chateauroux (1968). In
Search of the Fiddler Monkey. Rochefort-Chateauroux Institute
of Simian Science Press, Les Ecole de Chapuiy, France. *****
Piet Mons Apeldoorn (1977). Two Hundred Months in
a Borneo Rainforest: A Personal Account of the Kualakurun Tarsier
Observation and Behavior Modification Project. Dayak and
Sons, Balikpapan, Kalimantan, Indonesia. *****
Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy (1984). "Use
of Baseball Speed Guns to Determine Plummeting Rates in the Cercopithecoidea
of Ipipwi Forest." Journal of Abnormal Primatology,
Christopher Shaw (1990). Aquaculture, Maintenance
and Ingestion of the Gobo Root and Other Poisonous Tubers. Reader's
Digest, 921:52-65. *1/2
Need to learn a new language? No longer
living where you used to? Forget the words for snake,
eagle and leopard? Sounds like you need
to enroll in a language course at the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho
Primate Language Institute. We have vocalizations and
calls for every major species, also ASL. No need to
study, we do all the work here at the Institute. Located
at the corner of 3rd and Vine in beautiful downtown Hellmouth.
Fully accredited by the Southwest Arizona Association
of Primate Language Institutes. Come on down, we have
Looking for something a bit different this
year? The gift that everyone has but still appreciates?
Try us, we have all kinds of handcrafted items: termite
sticks, leaf wads, nutcracking stones. Write for free
catalog. Chimpanzee Products, Box 57, Ashanti, Togobogo.
The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council
needs a few researchers or anyone else who is free at the
moment to record behavioral data on our new really slow lorises.
Must be extremely patient. Very, very
patient. We're talking about REALLY PATIENT! So
if you are this type, please apply at once at Hellmouth Zoo
Association, 65562 Crematorium Drive, Hellmouth.
The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council
is seeking anyone who has lost their sense of smell to participate
in a long-term stinky galago research project. It's very important
that you have NO sense of smell. May also assist in preparing
high-protein durian milkshakes for our Asian primates. If
you are in this category, please don't delay in contacting
the Hellmouth Zoo Association, 65562 Crematorium Drive, Hellmouth.
a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph
A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided by Georgia
Pacific Gabon, the Mahatutu Injured Leaf Monkey Shelter,
the Swedish Primatological Association, the Bluetail Foundation,
Doody's Cut-Rate Medical Supplies, the Vancouver Vertical
Clinging and Leaping Society, Hellmouth Used Tire Reclaiming
Yards, the Rafikistan High Altitude Monkey Plummeting
Union, the Practically Dead Primate Special Care Center,
the Blacknose Gelada Alliance of Egypt and the Sudan,
the North American Federation of Nose-Pickers, and the
Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre, CA.
Adult male tight-lipped marmoset, mate died recently after producing
a fine pair of offspring who are now driving me crazy. They're almost
as big as I am and they still want to ride. Need female to share
burden. Please, I'm getting desperate. A2
Sub-adult female Allenopithecus (Allen's swamp monkey for those
of you who don't know) desires to better position in the world and leave
the swamp. Would not be averse to establishing a relationship with
one of the more advanced cercopithecines. Not very good-looking
but quite energetic. B9.
Young, bright, free-spirited, incredibly attractive female primate (I
won't say what kind because I love mystery and I'm open to any genus or
species) seeks companion. Sexual dichromatism and dimorphism are definite
turn-ons for me. I want to be taken care of. You must be the
dominant type, strong, healthy, experienced, big enough in all the pertinent
dimensions, with good vision and superb vocal ability. Send photos
and tape. D12.
Male silverback mountain gorilla with severe asthma wants to resettle
in lowland locality. Preferably a reserve of some kind, but will
consider a zoo if the right place is available. Son anxious to take
my place so must act in a hurry. Call now. R17.