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After having for years been besieged (and irritated) by requests for a scientific letters column, such as in Nature or Science, an idea which we thought at first ridiculous and which we resisted up until this morning, Primate Nooz is now proud to announce that it will henceforth have a scientific letters column, perhaps not quite like the one in Nature, but more like the one in PRIMATE LIFE.  This column will be confined to scientific letters only, and the letters are going to have to be really scientific.  Every letter will be screened and scrutinized by our Scientific Standards Department, and less than scientific letters will simply not be accepted.  The column will appear in the Nooz on a semi-regular basis, and will be called “Really Scientific Letters.”

We are also proud to be able to announce the promotion of Mr. Christopher Shaw from West Coast Correspondent to West Coast Correspondent and Really Scientific Letters Editor, which we sincerely hope will induce him to drop once and for all any plans he may be harboring to sue us.

'Recommended Reading' is now being handled by a new addition to our staff, Dr. Thrace Thrasher, M.D., while Win Wing Win, eldest son of the late frozen Win Wing Wan, has returned to Hupeh, China, to begin his very own series of 'Recommended Reading' wall posters.


Dr. Francois Q.B. Rochefort-Chateauroux (1968).  In Search of the Fiddler Monkey. Rochefort-Chateauroux Institute of Simian Science Press, Les Ecole de Chapuiy, France.  *****

Piet Mons Apeldoorn  (1977).  Two Hundred Months in a Borneo Rainforest: A Personal Account of the Kualakurun Tarsier Observation and Behavior Modification Project.  Dayak and Sons, Balikpapan, Kalimantan, Indonesia.  *****

Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy (1984). "Use of Baseball Speed Guns to Determine Plummeting Rates in the Cercopithecoidea of Ipipwi Forest." Journal of Abnormal Primatology, 23(2):31-44.  *****

Christopher Shaw  (1990).  “Aquaculture, Maintenance and Ingestion of the Gobo Root and Other Poisonous Tubers.” Reader's Digest, 921:52-65.  *1/2



Need to learn a new language?  No longer living where you used to? Forget the words for snake, eagle and leopard? Sounds like you need to enroll in a language course at the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Language Institute. We have vocalizations and calls for every major species, also ASL.  No need to study, we do all the work here at the Institute. Located at the corner of 3rd and Vine in beautiful downtown Hellmouth. Fully accredited by the Southwest Arizona Association of Primate Language Institutes.  Come on down, we have comfortable chairs.

Looking for something a bit different this year? The gift that everyone has but still appreciates? Try us, we have all kinds of handcrafted items: termite sticks, leaf wads, nutcracking stones. Write for free catalog.  Chimpanzee Products, Box 57, Ashanti, Togobogo.

The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council needs a few researchers or anyone else who is free at the moment to record behavioral data on our new really slow lorises.  Must be extremely patient. Very, very patient.  We're talking about REALLY PATIENT!  So if you are this type, please apply at once at Hellmouth Zoo Association, 65562 Crematorium Drive, Hellmouth.

The Hellmouth Zoo Association Docent Council is seeking anyone who has lost their sense of smell to participate in a long-term stinky galago research project.  It's very important that you have NO sense of smell.  May also assist in preparing high-protein durian milkshakes for our Asian primates.  If you are in this category, please don't delay in contacting the Hellmouth Zoo Association, 65562 Crematorium Drive, Hellmouth.

Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Mahatutu Injured Leaf Monkey Shelter, the Swedish Primatological Association, the Bluetail Foundation, Doody's Cut-Rate Medical Supplies, the Vancouver Vertical Clinging and Leaping Society, Hellmouth Used Tire Reclaiming Yards, the Rafikistan High Altitude Monkey Plummeting Union, the Practically Dead Primate Special Care Center, the Blacknose Gelada Alliance of Egypt and the Sudan, the North American Federation of Nose-Pickers, and the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium Docent Council.
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre, CA.

Adult male tight-lipped marmoset, mate died recently after producing a fine pair of offspring who are now driving me crazy. They're almost as big as I am and they still want to ride.  Need female to share burden. Please, I'm getting desperate.  A2

Sub-adult female Allenopithecus (Allen's swamp monkey for those of you who don't know) desires to better position in the world and leave the swamp. Would not be averse to establishing a relationship with one of the more advanced cercopithecines. Not very good-looking but quite energetic. B9.

Young, bright, free-spirited, incredibly attractive female primate (I won't say what kind because I love mystery and I'm open to any genus or species) seeks companion. Sexual dichromatism and dimorphism are definite turn-ons for me.  I want to be taken care of.  You must be the dominant type, strong, healthy, experienced, big enough in all the pertinent dimensions, with good vision and superb vocal ability.  Send photos and tape.  D12.

Male silverback mountain gorilla with severe asthma wants to resettle in lowland locality.  Preferably a reserve of some kind, but will consider a zoo if the right place is available.  Son anxious to take my place so must act in a hurry.  Call now.  R17.

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