Page Three

1987: The Year in Review
 

TOP FIFTEEN PRIMATE PICKS

1. “Gorilla My Dreams” by the Monkeys
2. “You Big Ape You” by Loretta
3. “I Tried So Hard, But You Really Made a Monkey Out of Me” by Rainy Season
4. “You May Be A Bushbaby in the Bush, But You're Just a Baby To Me” by the Prosimians
5. “Monkey Business” by the Jungle Tones
6. “The Organ Grinder Song” by Frank and Dee
7. “I'm Going To Knuckle Walk Right Out On You” by Koko
8. “Brachiating” by the Alphas
9. “My Range Is Empty Without You” by Papio and Mommio
10. “You Promised To Be Monogamous, But You're Just Another Cheat” by the Tropics
11. “Rambutans, Durians and Figs” by Fruits of Asia
12. “Night Monkey Blues” by A. Otis
13. “Stinkfighting” by the Ringtails
14. “It's A Black and White World” by the Gibbon Sisters
15. “I Can't Sit Around All Day, My Ischial Callosities Are Getting Sore” by the Geladas
 

ADVERTS


Biological clocks repaired, springwound and battery.  All time zones and seasons.  Tool-using attendants will carefully adjust your every need. Especially good for those who are forced to relocate, like to a zoo.  Open 7 days. Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair.

Sometimes wonder where you are? Well, doggone it, so do we.  But we don't let it bother us because now you can get your territories professionally surveyed.  All ranges can be mapped and monitored by satellite. Territorial species will have seminars on border defense. Never be lost again.  “We wish we'd known about it,” says Leif Englanberg.  Box 12,  Nooz.

Lou's House of Leaves.  “We have all kinds of leaves, young and mature, upper canopy and terrestrial, and you can eat them one at a time or by the bunch.  Vines of all kinds are our specialty.” Well lit for diurnal and nocturnal species. Sorry, no more live insects.

If you're like me, you're sick of toxic vegetation, and even if you're not like me, you might still be interested in my Acme Plant Toxin Testing Kit. You'll never have to exceed your toxin limit again. Kits are available for Southeast Asia, the ant-strewn Amazon, Equatorial Africa, Central America, India and Madagascar. Sold exclusively at the low price leader, Hubbleheimer's Five and Dime in Hellmouth and at the 24-hour Shopalot right in the Cheesequake Town Square.  Also at the Leaves for Less in Runnamuck.

Lonely?  Who isn't?  Feel like there's nobody in the forest for you?  Nest a bit empty? We've been there and done that. So come on down and see us right now! Who are we? We're the Carbon Dating Service, at the corner of 2nd and Pine, and we can provide you with escorts of most species and sub-species.  All persuasions and modes of locomotion are respected here and can be easily accomodated. But don't delay, our back room isn't as crowded as it once was and we don't want you to miss out.  Hurry! The good life can still be yours. Call today, or tomorrow.
     
Well, it was another bad year.  Several of our species went extinct, and a number of others are not far from it.  Our habitats are shrinking, we are being hunted for food and exploited for medical research by such groups as the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, and grant money to study us has not exactly been pouring in, but aside from that it has not been much better.
      1987 came in like a lion as the roaring of hard-headed Hellmouth policemen could be heard over the protests of decent citizens during a night raid on the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility in January.  The accusations against this local landmark institution were later recanted, and the countersuit is still being adjudicated.  In early February, BLUETAIL GUENONS (Cercopithecus subterraneus) finally received specific recognition through the tireless efforts of Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, who is currently back in Gabon, and we thank him. Unfortunately, Primate Nooz has learned that Dr. Boué has been unsuccessful in locating a single bluetail since his return to Makokou, and their very existence is once again being called into question.  We here at the Nooz suspect that his senile colleague Reginald Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones may have made off with them.
      In March, Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho was sighted just briefly, purchasing supplies and extra towels in Libreville, but before he could be contacted, he disappeared down a dirty monkey-infested alley and has not been heard from since.  The formerly respected L.A. County Museum of Unnatural History Primate Department suffered yet another blow in April when their yearly permit to conduct field research was withdrawn and was awarded instead to the Brimstone County, Lousiana, Junior Seminary College and Monkey Museum. A Gabonese fast food franchise called ROOTZ opened all across SW Arizona in May, with two drive-throughs in Hellmouth and one in Cheesequake.  To no one's surprise, gobo roots were the speciality of the house, fried, baked, boiled or burned.
      June brought a heat wave to many of our habitats and we were forced to eat insects. Groups fissioned, and all grew sleepy in the afternoon.  In July, it was announced that the CERCOPITHECINES cephus and diana would henceforth be lumped together as diana. There was some considerable aggressive calling and general taxonomic unhappiness among the cephus crowd, but it soon died down.  A small war marred the otherwise placid and uneventful month of August when there was a misunderstanding between Togo and its large neighbor Togobogo over the terms of a deal between them concerning shipments of rare primates to Togo. It was
                                                        (Cont. on p. 4)
The
Primate
Nooz©
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