Page Three

NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller:  “Please hello.”
NOOZ:  “Please hello to you too.”
Caller:  “Oh yes.”
NOOZ:  “We said HELLO!”
Caller:  “Yes please.”
NOOZ:  “We're waiting....
Caller:  “Yes yes.”
NOOZ:  “OK, this has gone far enough.  Do you have a name?”
Caller:  “Poon.”
NOOZ:  “We didn't quite get that.”
Caller:  “POON.”
NOOZ:  “OK, Poon. What's your last name?”
Caller:  “Sanddandtundra.”
NOOZ:  “You've got to be kidding.  Where do they keep digging you guys up?”
Caller:  “In my case, it was north of Nepal.”
NOOZ:  “Oh yeah, we've heard of you.  You're the guy who sees primates that aren't there.”
Caller:  “I have seen giant monkeys.  At least three feet tall.”
NOOZ:  “And you found them, oh let's just take a wild guess.... NORTH OF NEPAL?”
Caller:  “Oh yes.”
NOOZ:  “You know, you have kind of a reputation for reporting primates that don't exist.”
Caller:  “Oh yes.”
NOOZ:  “And isn't it true that in school your instructors became fearful and your classmates took to avoiding you?”
Caller:  “Oh yes oh yes.”
NOOZ:  “Most of the members of your international team think you're loopy, don't they?”
Caller:  “Oh most certainly.”
NOOZ:  “So you do you expect us to believe anything you say?”
Caller:  “I have a heart as big as the Punjab.”
NOOZ:  “Uh-huh.”
Caller:  “And a spirit that stretches from the Kybher Pass to the Taj Mahal.”
NOOZ:  “Come on, were you in your tent?”
Caller:  “I was not in my tent, no.”
NOOZ:  “Uh-huh.”
Caller:  “I have seen them, I have.”
NOOZ:  “What kind of a name is Poon anyway?”
Caller:  “You people are having no class.”
NOOZ:  “Please goodbye.”

Santa Rubia Island weed necklaces were woven and Santa Rubia Island blue termites were crushed, and the one locality for miles around where Santa Rubia Island coral crabs struggled to avoid the predatory attacks of the Santa Rubia Island salty terns.
      But all that is gone now.  Santa Rubia Island all the way to the peak of Santa Rubia Mountain is under water, and I guess I'll have to find something else to watch from now on.  You kids for instance. I could watch you.  What a good-looking group you are.  And such nice shoes.  And may I say that .................
Editor's note:  We apologise for what just went on here.  We didn't know and we're sure sorry. Obviously we were taken in by this de la Hoya guy. Certainly doesn't do a heck of a lot for our new reputation, does it?  Next time we'll try to do a lot better.  Don't tell anybody about this, OK?
Editor's note:  "WHAT IS...? is a semi-regular feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger and more restless readers and in which we ask various people in the field of primatology to be brutally honest with us about their profession. This issue, in an uncharacteristic departure from the tried and true formula we have followed in the past, and in deference to the unfortunate sinking of Santa Rubia Island, we have decided to change the "What Is...?" feature to "What Was...?"  We are more than blessed this time to have with us a man who is very much respected by the majority of Gorgonzolans, a paleozoographer who gave the Santa Rubia Island purple wannabies their scientific name, and the person who was single-handedly responsible for putting the name 'purple wannaby' on the lips of more people between Caracador and El Samole than would fit into the average soccer stadium.  Dr. Oscar de la Hoya is the Chairman of the Monkey Behavior Department at Gorgonzola National Technical University, and the founder and Director of the Santa Rubia Island Purple Wannaby Research Reserve and Shearing Station, and is widely acknowledged as someone who knows a thing or two about the behavior of wild purple wannabies and sinking islands.  So without any further ado, we place you in the more than capable hands of Dr. Oscar Simon Bolivar Bolivar-Fuentes de la Hoya.  Please stand.
Dr. Oscar Simon Bolivar Bolivar Fuentes de la Hoya
Santa Rubia Island Purple Wannaby Research Reserve
and Shearing Station
Greetings to all of you fine-looking children, and may I say how smartly you're all dressed.  You seem to get better looking every year.  I'm always especially gratified when I'm asked to speak to a good-looking bunch of kids like you are.  I think that appearance is so important these days, don't you? By the way, you can sit down now.  Did your mothers and fathers dress you this morning?  They didn't? Well, you all certainly did a good job, and may I ... What?  Alright, I'll start over.
      What was Santa Rubia Island?  I guess that I'm sure the right person to ask, because I've been watching Santa Rubia Island through my 10x40s for over thirty- two years.  The porch of my house in Gorgonzola City looks out across the Santa Rubia Straits, and I could see the coral sculptors and necklace weavers and snakepod pickers.  I watched the blue termites being crushed and ground during February, and I watched the purple wannabies as they came down to the beach for their daily sand baths.  I got to know them quite well, and I even gave them names.  Yes, names!   But I never had to go over there.  I could watch them right from my porch through the binoculars.  I knew which ones were fooling around, and which ones weren't, and I knew ... WHAT NOW?  OK, OK, I'll try to stick to the subject. OK?
      Santa Rubia Island was the jewel of the Santa Rubia Straits, the single green spot amidst acres of blue water, the only place where Santa Rubia Island pink coconut palms grew almost unfettered, the one solitary site where Santa Rubia Island coral lawn fountains and chessboards were sculpted and
Page One     Page Two     Page Four     Home Page