Page Three

by Nooz staffer
Roger Montgomery Sykes
It was hot all day, and the electricity was off in the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank, so the fans weren't working.  Matilda Boone had just sat down on the comfortable sofa in the lobby. Clarence Smiley had just finished making out a deposit slip. Hethel Murtimer had just resolved a long-standing dispute with the foreclosure department.  And "Little Ed" Bessemon had just mopped his brow. To all these people who weren't expecting it there came suddenly the sound of a banging door and a loud raucous voice telling them to be still.  It was none other than 'Wild Eyes" Wiedman, the wickedest bandit of them all, and everyone there that day was sure that they would never get to see another tornado.
      "Wild Eyes" glared right at everyone, and everyone glared right back, until he told them to quit glaring.  He got the bank manager, Mr. Pruitt Helmsley, to fill up a feed sack with coins and bills, all the while gesticulating with his old .45 in that wild way he had.  It was a repeat of when he had robbed the 1st National back in '37 and not unlike when he held up the Farmer's Mutual in '39. And just as he had in '37 and again in '39, he slipped out the back way with his feed bag and his old revolver, and disappeared.
      On his way out of town, he decided to stop by the Nooz office for some reason that has never been explained, and before anyone could react in time to stop him, he stole several paperclips and a jar of gumdrops, and was gone like a wraith. Now, three days later, we still have no idea where he went to, or why he wanted those paperclips.
"Once again hallo my dear, hungry friends.  It is I, Misha. Yes, true, I am just returned with more news of all the best for dining and where to go. With the so many Russkies who have arrived and now is living nicely by the Old Tires and Reclaiming Yard, Hellmouth Town is having once again the several fine dinners.  I can be telling you the all about Crazy Ivan's New Sturgeon House. It is the funny thing.  He is having all the time shad and herring, but not ever sturgeon. Also pickled cucumbers.  Then for Saturdays, you will be liking the Egg and Eel.  Chef Boris Alexei is coming back from Sverdlovsk and is learning the new recipes like egg with prune dough and eel without mushroom.  It is not the new secret that Mr. Putney Arnett who is having the control of Nooz enjoys a good Borsch, and is with having monkey friends on Tuesdays to drink the Vodka at Czar Dmitri's Gulag Bar.  I am the happiest to be giving you the good knowledge that cabbage rolls will be available in the coming years at Nikolai Donstroyevitch's Snowed Inn.  Also the most delicious of cabbage muffins.
     Goodbye now from Misha.  See you around the eating chair."

Hellmouth Adventure Cinema Arcade
12th Spring Action Film Festival
Friday Night 8pm
Bluetail's Revenge
The Invisible Primate
Saturday Night 8pm
Day of Folivory
The Brachiator
Sunday Afternoon 2pm
Lemurs from Beyond
Petey Goes to Cheesequake
Only Slightly Curious George Falls in the Tar Pit

Spotlight on...
By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
The Spotlight
Editor's note:  Well, we had a bit of a set-to with the equipment last time when we tried to illuminate the distant planet of Zarkon,  but Mr. Takeshitahara, who incidentally is a whiz at getting things  done, flew in one of the top spotlight experts in Japan to fix it for  us.  He worked on it day and night for three weeks, installing some of the latest gadgets and state-of-the-art circuitry from the Asian appliance industry, and we are confident  that it is ready to go.  One of the things that has been added is an  electronic kill switch to use in the event it does run wild.  Also, the  spotlight has been placed behind a thick fireproof barrier for some  added protection.  So, without further ado, let's gingerly press the  On button and see what we can find out about the mysterious and  sandy land of far-away Rafikistan.

     The first thing we see as the spotlight tightens its 1250° focus is a lot of white.  There seems to be a great deal of  white.  We can only assume at this point that the spotlight is aiming at the broad expanse of the Great Kattakurgan  Desert.  In among the white are a few gray smudges which we surmise might be the villages of the Rafikistanis.  As  we attempt to adjust the newly-designed focusing ring, some little dark spots begin to be apparent and we perceive  that they are slowly moving around.  Our Rafikistani tour guide who is standing by, Professor Uzman Shakhrisyabz  of the University of Bukhara, suggests somewhat tentatively that these might be actual Rafikistanis that we are  seeing, probably herding their sheep.  There is still a lot of white, but now we can see larger round dark spots that  must be the entrances to the infamous antimony mines we read about in our briefing.  We wouldn't be surprised if  we were looking at almond and raisin farmers, or wool sellers, or caravans of camels, or something else.  We are  incredibly excited to be actually seeing this exotic landscape we have heard so much about.  Suddenly we begin to  sense that there are some kind of lines becoming visible, like rows and rows of cotton and rice, or millet and wheat,  and we have to sit down so that we will not pass out in amazement.  Dr. Shakhrisyabz tells us that Rafikistan is.... [ZZZZT!] [ZZZZZZZT!]   Oh, no, it's swinging around!   Get out of the way! [ZZZZZZZZZT!  ZZZZZZZZZT! ZING!]   HIT THE KILL SWITCH!  [BRRRT! BRRRT!]  [ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzt!]

     Whew, that was a close call!   Well, it looks like we'll have to make a few more adjustments, but boy!  It was  going great there for a while.  We were sure learning a lot! What a place that Rafikistan is!   Boy!

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