Vol. 105,  No. 1
Hellmouth, Arizona
Sep. 10,  2005



    It was dusk in the lowlands of the mighty Himalayas and a strong wind was scouring the icy, late-winter landscape when Dr. Uzman T. Shakhrisyabz of the Simian Sciences Department of West Khunjerab University uneasily stepped out of his plush, thirteen-room tent and gazed across the rocky slopes nearby.  His attention had been attracted by a strange, unearthly moaning, and setting aside his dinner of kooftah and brown lentil chutney, he turned off the recording of Billy Panchatantra and the Hindu Hoppers, put on his soft yak-fur slippers, and called for his boy to open the tent flap. The diminutive Tajik, Ismail Kudara, who had been in his employ ever since his native village of Ghobi was buried by a landslide, leaped to respond to his master's direction, only slightly tearing his woolen pantaloons on the sharp corner of a tandoori oven that had been left for some reason in the middle of the tent.
     The sounds were like nothing Dr. Shakhrisyabz had ever heard before, either in the lowlands of the Himalayas or anywhere else for that matter.  It reminded him somewhat of the subtle melodies of the kasht tarang, an old percussive musical instrument lacking membranes, or possibly the disjointed murmering of the mukhavina, a member of the class of instruments characterized by the use of air to excite the various resonators. The boy Ismail suggested that it was more like the sibilant whispering of the thanthi panai or even the harsh stuttering of the rudra vina, a most difficult instrument played by the plucking of its forty-seven strings.  Dr. U. Shakhrisyabz took extreme umbrage to this theory and boxed the boy repeatedly about the ears.  The sun was just setting behind the massive peak of Mt. Mayuri when the world-famous primatologist glimpsed a quick movement up on the scree. He immediately screwed his monocle into his one good eye, and was amazed to see a large abominable primate, brownish in color or possibly a deep rust, and somewhere between 3' and 7' tall, suddenly stop and turn to look at him. He gaped in astonishment, because he knew, as no doubt did the boy Ismail with the ringing ears, that abominable primates had never been observed below about 6529' before, and that since their camp was situated at a lowly 6508', he was perhaps making primatological history. He barked at Ismail to run into the tent and fetch him his new camera, a Vishnu-227 Deluxe, but before the hapless youngster could retrieve the item in question, the abominable primate had disappeared, leaving only the ragged sounds of its mournful cry fading in the dry north Indian air.
     Distraught at the failure to document his more than astounding observation, Dr. Shakhrisyabz was forced to retire to his tent with a cup of harsh black Kanpuri tea, and has not been seen since. The New Primate Nooz is planning to send its Reporter from the Field Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus very soon to the subcontinent to track him down and get his story at firsthand. Meanwhile, we can refer our readers to two useful articles by Dr. Shakhrisyabz, "My First Encounter with an Abominable Primate,"  [Bombay Monkey Club Notes, 1986, 153(2):55-77], and "Abominable Primates of the Indian Subcontinent and Surrounding Regions,"  [Kashmir Journal of Primatological Oddities, 1990, 19(4):79-91].

(NewAussieNews)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  The giant space primate that has been heading toward the Earth for several years is still heading toward the Earth, two scientists reported on Tuesday.  Dr. Basil Smith and Dr. Mawbanna Waddamana of the Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory have been keeping a close watch on the approaching creature with their twin 36" telescopes and are now finally in a position to describe it in some detail.  
    It is quite large, they say, and definitely appears to be some kind of a primate.  They are attempting to communicate with it and find out what its purpose might be.  The two normally contentious colleagues laughingly shrugged off current charges that the whole thing has been a hoax, and stated that although the existence of the space-dwelling simian has not been confirmed by any other observatory, they are quite sure that it will reach the vicinity of the Earth sometime within the next two hundred months, or maybe later.
The New Primate Nooz is published whenever the International Primate Exchange drops below 1800 by all the dedicated men and women who work down at the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation. Copies are shipped by rail, sea and air to all major zoos and animal testing facilities in the U.S. and Japan, and e-mailed to much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues may be requested by sending in a SASE and $5 per issue to:  New Primate Nooz, c/o Gotsuka Chugoku's Fresh Sushi House, 121255555 Main Street, Hellmouth, or by clicking your mouse and visiting our professionally redesigned website at: www.webnooz/backissues.
(SWNS) Cheesequake, AZ.  The prophetic words of the famed Michel de Nostradame penned so many months ago came true in Cheesequake last spring. Nostradamus stated in 1556 that "A mighty trembling in the month of Mars/the year of twice thousand five/the land midst cold and heat will melt/the isle of curds and milk will be split aside/the fields when watered will start to shrink/as the prime mates succumb in their tomb of frost."  It was on Tuesday that the muddy Horntoad River Valley was shaken awake on a cold and dry morning by the subterranean rumblings of the South Yuma Creek Fault, and this was clearly what Nostradamus meant by a "mighty trembling" that would occur in March, 2005, in a country between Canada and Mexico.
    The "isle of curds and milk" was almost certainly a reference to tiny Cheesequake Island in the middle of the Horntoad River which on that disastrous day was rent into two parts by the force of the tectonic movement.  The river overflowed its banks and partially submerged three gorogo bean plantations owned by Chesley Switzer and his sons, who moved to Cheesequake years ago from Manitoba. Can anyone doubt that Nostradamus' words "the fields when watered will start to shrink" could only be applied to these events? The last part of his prediction is more difficult to understand, but it is known that several bluetail guenons which had escaped from the Hellmouth Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium and were hiding in the County's Municipal Ice House, had apparently locked themselves into a freezer, which the prescient Nostradamus called a "tomb of frost," and perished there.
    Thus have we once again been privy to the awesome powers of the great seer Nostradamus.
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