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ANNOUNCEMENTS
The New Primate Nooz regrets to announce that it will no longer
be able to distribute copies in the following languages - Frisian,
Leonese, Ingrian, Auvergnat, Erzya, Votian, Meglanitic, Karaim, Udmurt,
Asturian, Kalmyk, Nogai, Bashkir, Walloon, Nenets or Spanish - because
Mr. Kashihara Takeshitahara, our new owner, doesn't like them. Furthermore,
he does not care for the coun-
tries of Portugal, Pakistan, Turkey,
Thailand, Nigeria, Namibia, Canada and China or the cities of Riyadh,
Chengdu, Nizhniy Novgorod, Galway, Bucharest, Ban-
dung, Tampa, and
Brazzaville because of some bad experiences he has had there, and
so we will be dis-
continuing our service to those localities. Also,
he does not like South America because he was once treated rudely
by a gaucho in Argentina, and for that reason we are terminating our
deliveries there.
On a somewhat more positive note, we take
great pleasure in introducing in this issue a brand new feature called
Monkey Puzzles which was the brainchild of senior staffwriters Millicent
Miniwell and Hugh Under-
house. We are going to be giving you some
information about a particular money species and it will be up to
you to guess which species it is. The correct answers will be given
in the following issue.
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ADVERTS
Are you tired of trying to make your computer do what you want
it to? Eyes getting a bit bleary? Touch of the old carpal tunnel?
Heart racing more than usual? You either need a computer technician,
or me, or perhaps both. I will live at your house 24/7 and work
your computer for you (well, except for the 18/3 I need for
eating, rest and recreation). So for six hours a day M-Th I'll
only charge you $58/hour plus room and board. You're not going
to find a deal like that anywhere else, I'll tell you. Give
me a call, 800-
222-2345, and Bob's your uncle, I'll be there
in a flash.
One exciting night only, Saturday October 17, at the Hellmouth
Convention Center, the Westminster Dog and Monkey Show, 6pm
until it's over. Valet parking available. Refreshment booths.
Medical personnel on hand. Tickets $20 per person, children
under 1 month free. Call 386-5682 anytime between 2-3 pm Wed-
nesdays
or go online at www.HellCon.com.
Thanks to a revolutionary breakthrough resulting from a collaboration
of two petroleum engineers here at Sigsbee Junior Night College
and the busy marketing department of Horntoad Valley Oil, you
can now buy all the cheap gas you need. Extracted from dried
and crushed gobo roots, this new gasoline will sell for a mere
$5.79 a gallon for regular and $6.49 for high octane. We know
how important it is for you to be able to get out and about,
and we've been working hard to see that you do it. Delivery
available for all home tanks. Don't wait, our supply is limited.
Come on down to Horntoad Valley Oil on the corner of 2nd and
Vine. Free gorogo bean lollipops for the kids.
Yes, we did have a going out of business sale, and no, we didn't
really go out of business, but now we are, so come on down to
Hemple's Appliance and Small Animal Feed. We have high-def vacuums,
microwave tv's, projection printers and gas scanners, color
wash-
ers and digital dryers, lots of stuff. It won't be here
forever. This is your last chance. Hemple's Appliance, 3rd and
Pine St., Hellmouth.
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The
Primate
Nooz©
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Produced as a public
service by the award-winning Arnett Putney, III
and Widen Lundale, Jr., with major funding by Horntoad
Valley Oil, and addition-
al funding provided by Gabon Airways, the Harvard
University Primate Medical Laboratory, the Cheese-
quake Chess and Checker Club of Cheesequake, the
Bluetail Foundation, the Hellmouth Sheriff's Association,
Travel and Primatology Magazine, the Equatorial
Fruit Toxins Institite, KNUZ-FM, Al's Pharmaceuticals,
and the Matsushita Chopstick Co. |
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© M. Charters, 2005, Sierra Madre, CA.
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RECOMMENDED READING:
Hi readers. I
Win Wing Wan, formerly of Peking Zoo. May be you remembering me. I
remembering you. I very small. I frozen but now cloned. In charge
of new "Recommended Reading" section of Nooz again.
Also for writing articles. China-
man's elbow all better glad to say. Have honor to introduce worthless
2nd and 3rd sons as Reading Assistants. I needing to say here are
latest recommendations:
Arthur Alexandermeyer (1992). "Small Town Mayors Who Have Died
of Gobo Root Poisoning." Tuber Weekly, 12:10-99.
*****
Alfred Townsend Winchester Crofford-Wiggles (1901). Primates,
Abominable and Otherwise. Dhangari and Doti Brothers Press,
Kathmandu. ****
Watanabe Kibombo (1988). The Toilet Claw in History. Antananarivo
University Press, Antananarivo. *****
Dr. Francois Quimper Bonnetable Rochefort-
Chateauroux (1990). The
French Fiddler Monkey and What Made It That Way. Toulouse
and Rennes, Amien. ****
Chris Shaw (2004). My Year Among the Abominable Primates.
Primate Nooz Press, Hellmouth.*
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