Page Two
   “AN OPEN LETTER
          TO MR. CHRIS SHAW”
         
Well, Chris, you've gone and done it.  You said you might.  God knows you threatened to enough times.  But we didn't think you'd really go through with it.  No, we said, when the chips are down, when the going gets rough, Chris is a Nooz man, first and foremost.  We wouldn't do it to him, we told ourselves, and he won't do it to us.  Chris is our pal, we thought.  But now you've gone and done it, and there's no turning back.
        It seems that once again you have reinstated your legal action against us for defamation of character and breach of contract and malicious ridiculing.  Chris, we tried for months and months to work out our problems with you in a spirit of friendliness and good will.  We thoughtfully invited you to take over the 'Recommended Reading' section yourself, we generously allowed you to take an extended leave of absence when you needed it, we graciously permitted you to come back to the Nooz as West Coast correspondent, and we even offered to fly you down to Brazil to join the search for Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho once your Arrowhead water delivery arrived.  We gave you an almost unlimited expense account, a spacious office on the top floor of the Nooz building, a fancy red sports car, all the dried and fried gobo roots you and your family could possibly eat, and your own raincoat. Chris, what happened?  What went wrong?  What could we have done?  You used to be our respected colleague, our trusted confidant, our friend.  Is this how you repay us?  All of us here, from publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. down to the most insignificant paper flattener, are shaking our collective head.
        This isn't the way we would have handled things in the old days.  No, in the old days loyalty meant something.   In the old days you wouldn't stab a friend in the back while he wasn't looking.  In the old days you wouldn't go around filing lawsuits and seeking injunctions just because your name was used a bunch of times without your permission and numerous references were made to spurious and ridiculous-sounding articles supposedly written by you in the Reader's Digest.  But those were the old days, and times have apparently changed.
        Even now, Chris, we extend the open hand of hard-headed cameraderie and sincere fair play to you, and we are very much looking forward to your next exciting contribution from the West Coast.
  
 

ANCIENT SCROLL Cont. from page 1.

agile African, to where a bare outcropping of rock and dry earth loomed ahead.
        Suddenly, the assistant pointed to something that was protruding from beneath a flat rock, and gasped. “Nakuru simbi basutu okawa onobi efe-efe,” he said loudly, waving his arms and jumping up and down. “Awatu efe wataba nabulu,” the Professor responded in mounting excitement. He slowly lifted the rock and saw beneath it an object of such a curious nature that we can hardly describe it, except to say that it was evidently of ancient origin. It was smaller than a baboon's head and smelled funny. He carefully removed it from its hiding place and wrapped it in his monogrammed kerchief. It seemed to be made of.... Well, we better not go into that here.  It was very brittle, so he held it gently in his hands, the assistant running ahead to scare off the snakes, until he was back in camp.
        Later that night, as the hot African starlight poured down on Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice's little camp and after Prenter-Sprague had retired, the wily old scientist

  
ARTIFACT IDENTIFIED
AS ANCIENT SCROLL
(Reuters)  Adudu, Badongo-Gazimbi. The artifact mysteriously discovered last fall by Dr. Professor Miedzyrzecz von Chechowice-Dziedzice was an ancient scroll, it was revealed on Monday.  It was approximately 4" long and weighed 8.29oz.  It was found at the south end of Lake Badongo, beyond the taxi stand, about 295 meters from the shoreline, in that dry culvert there next to the telephone pole.
        An initial translation indicates that it is a record of early primate history of some sort, and it makes some astonishing claims.  For instance, the first primate apparently came down from Mt. Mpika around 200 million months ago [BOY, ARE WE GLAD WE DON'T HAVE A FEATURE CALLED “200 MILLION MONTHS AGO TODAY.” HAH-HAH-HAH. --Ed.] and took up residence in Morongoro Crater.  Fortunately, others soon followed, and the primate line came into being.
        Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice took full credit for the discovery even though his chief assistant, a native named Akula, actually found the object, and R.L. Prenter-Sprague, his colleague, translated it. He derided the efforts of his many assistants, many of whom, like him, are of Polish descent, and he declared that henceforth the artifact shall be known as the von Chechowice-Dziedzice Scroll.
Publisher Arnett Outney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. apologize to our readers for the unauthorized interruption in this news report.  We think we know who was responsible, and we are taking measures to bring them to light.  Sorry.
      CENSORED
 
Editor's note: Due to the extremely sensitive nature of Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice's discovery, Nooz editor Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. have decided that the release of any more details of this business could be detrimental.  We feel sure that our readers will understand why we can't let you see any more of this report, and we are sorry.
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