Vol. 89,  No. 7
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Nov. 10,  1989
  ACCIDENTAL FREEZING OF
  WIN WING WAN SHOCKS CITY!
        Dawn broke last Tuesday like an old bottle of blackstrap molasses over the muddy Horntoad River valley and the dusty and disorganized town of Hellmouth, Arizona, where the night before residents had gone to bed thinking about how good they were going to feel in the morning, but woke up instead to learn of the death by cryogenic freezing of Mr. Win Wing Wan, longtime Nooz contributor and editor in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section, whose wet and partially-thawed corpse was discovered about 7:45am by a janitor at the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  “It was awful,” said Rudyard Pipley, 52, “he was just lying there in one of the cryosurgery theaters melting all over the floor.”
        The details are still somewhat unclear, but Reeves Slaughterhouse, Dr. Dick Doody's assistant and until recently thought to be one of the Facility's sharpest young anesthetists, told the Nooz from a secluded location on Wednesday that it had all been a dreadful mistake, and might or might not have involved a Snickers bar.  He refused to deny or confirm the rumor that Dr. Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended), might have had something to do with the incident.  “I can't believe that anyone could suspect him of such a thing,” the youthful medical school graduate chirped nervously to hardened and unsmiling Nooz reporters Hugh Underhouse and Millicent Milliwell.  “Win Wing Wan has Chinaman's Elbow, you know?” he said enigmatically.  “That's what it was all about.”  Dr. Doody regrettably could not be reached for comment and was presumed to be at home working on the next edition of his popular Nooz feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner.”
        Win Wing Wan came to Hellmouth from Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, where he was fired as Director in February of last year for allowing Wu Shi, the world's only 3000-year old gorilla, to expire.  Before that he had done research with Piet Mons Apeldoorn
(Cont. on page 2)
 

 POACHERS TAKE LAST TWO
 BORNEAN SULKY TARSIERS

(Reuters)  Balikpapan, Indonesian Borneo.  International
wildlife authorities last week made significant progress
in their attempt to be just that much closer to coming
near to actually closing in on or at least perhaps finding
something out about the person or persons who may or
may not be behind or have some knowledge of or be
involved in the recent string of primate poachings that
has confounded the police on three or four continents.
Unfortunately, the last two remaining Bornean sulky
tarsiers disappeared on Thursday night while out for a
bit of vertical clinging and leaping, and are presumed to
have been poached.
      The pair of rare sulky tarsiers, Tarsius irritatus, was
confirmed as the last of its species by Bidwell and MacCown's balloon survey of Bornean wildlife in 1983.
They had been frequently written about as though
already extinct, which had caused them to be even
sulkier than normal.  A spokesman for the Malagasy
Extinct Lemur Society stated that “Although there are
no extant or extinct tarsiers on Madagascar, we welcome
the sulky tarsier into that more general fraternity of
extinct species, of which the Malagasy Extinct Lemur
Society is but a small part.”  The Nooz has sent a
telegram of condolence.
 

    PRIMATOLOGY CONFERENCE
    THROWN INTO AN UPROAR

(UPI)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  Tables were over-
turned and alarmed primates scattered for cover on
Saturday at the 23rd Biannual Conference of the
Primatological Association of Bali-Bali, held at the
Burunamieh Holiday Inn.  The conference was
thrown into turmoil over the question of whether
siamangs should be considered as the greatest of
the lesser apes, or the least of the great apes.  Two
winking martindales and a rubberneck guenon
were injured in the melee, and several really slow
lorises were evicted for hooliganism.
 
  Primate Nooz is published every month and twice on Sunday in alternate presidential election years by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues may sometimes be obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Jim Scuttle at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, Hellmouth, Arizona.  
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