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ANNOUNCEMENTS
It is with deep sadness and regret that Primate
Nooz
announces the death by accidental cryogenic freezing
of Mr. Win Wing Wan. He was the author of numerous
important scientific articles, a former Director of Beijing's
Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, and the editor in
charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section of the
Nooz. He was our friend and colleague, and he never
sued us even once, unlike some other people we could
mention. The Nooz office will not be the same without
him, and all of his many journalistic compatriots here
join in mourning his passing. In his honor we have
assembled a special 'Recommended Reading' section,
one that we know he would have been proud of.
RECOMMENDED READING:
Win Wing Wan (1963). “Toxic Vegetation
and How To
Know When You've Had Enough.” Primate Week, 2:9-
10. *****
Win Wing Wan (1988). “The Lonely
Life and
Miserable Death of Wu Shi, the 3000-Year Old Gorilla.”
PRIMATE LIFE, 16(12):8-28. *****
Win Wing Wan (1983). “The Inscrutable
Tarsier: Just
What the Heck Is It?” Proceedings of the 9th
International Congress of Primatology (London), Vol.
VIII, 285-460. *****
Win Wing Wan (1989). “It's No Fun
Having
Chinaman's Elbow.” West Malaysia Medical Bulletin,
22:19-23. *****
Christopher Shaw (1989). “Some
Memorable Chinese
Restaurants I Have Frequented with Win Wing Wan.”
Reader's Digest, 908:32-40. *
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Public hearing on whether to declare the stinky
galago breeding program at the Hellmouth Zoo a
health hazard and general menace, Hellmouth City
Hall, Friday, Nov. 24, 2-5pm.
The civil trial of Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon
(Suspended), begins at the Hellmouth Hall of High
Justice, Mon. Nov. 13, 9:30am. Public welcome.
No gum chewing please.
Great Apes and Lesser Primates Dinner to be
held
at Cheesequake Pizza Hut, Thursday, Nov. 16 at
8pm. We were going to have Mitsuo Ohhohoho
as Chairman, but now that he is missing the Nooz's
own Dr. Homer Perry has been asked to fill in for
him. Sorry, Mitsuo, wherever you are.
The general public is invited to a premier
showing
of the movie "Lost Again" which was filmed at
several locations in Hellmouth and Cheesequake.
It depicts the events surrounding the expedition
of the two Icelandic explorers Leif Englenberg and
Olaf Petersen into the dreaded Ipipwi Forest to
search for the legendary Golden monkeys of
Gabon. The two Icelanders will be in attendance,
and there will be popcorn and fried gobo roots for
everyone and free raincoats for the first twenty-
five people.
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There
is absolutely no truth to the report
published recently by PRIMATE LIFE that the
Nooz will soon have a completely new look. Our
Cheesequake rival totally misinterpreted a casual
remark by one of our junior staff writers at last
week's Horntoad Valley Primate Newspapers
Association meeting and was way off base when
they announced our supposed new format.
The
search for the missing Professor Mitsuo
Ohhohoho has shifted again, this time, after a brief
stop at Dr. Watanabe Kibombo's Ipululu Primate
Conservation Center, to the green and unruly
forests of northern Bali-Bali. A gasoline receipt
with his name on it was found in Badongo-Gazimbi
along with some documents relating to Bali-Bali.
Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho is
leading the search team, and he has been joined
by Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus. Nooz West Coast
correspondent Chris Shaw will join them soon.
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Produced
as a public service by the friendly folks down at the
Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided
by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Matsushita Chopstick Co.,
Lou's House of Leaves, the Bluetail Foundation, the Woodrow
Wilson Old World Monkey Center, the Hellmouth Primate
Fossil and Paranormal Investigatory Group, the Mole
Creek Monitor, the Milk Board of Jujube, and KNUZ-FM. |
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© M. Charters, 1989,
Sierra Madre, CA.
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Dear Editor,
Who are you guys
trying to kid? This Win Wing
Wang or Wan Wing Win guy writes this big hooptydoo
article about tarsiers [Win Wing Wan, “What Is The
Tarsier?” Primate Nooz, 88(7):3-4. -Ed.], all literate-like
and sounding oh so academic. Then he or someone
else with the same ridiculous-sounding name writes a
letter to Dr. Doody that tells me he had more than
Chinaman's Elbow. Whenever we used to eat together, I
could hardly understand what he was saying. How
could he write all those articles?
Chris Shaw
Dear 'Chris,'
We'll take your
question under advisement and get
back to you if we find out anything.
Dear Editor,
Why are you always
changing your address? I've
been trying to get back issues of Primate Nooz for years,
but every time I send in my request, I get it back marked
“Undeliverable,” and the next issue comes out with a
new address. I'm pretty steamed about it. When are
you going to do something?
Watanabe Kibombo
Dear 'Watanabe,'
Don't take that
tone with us! What the hell kind of
a name is Watanabe anyway? We don't like your
greasy insinuations. But if you are foolish enough to
proceed with this matter, we suggest you write to: Nooz
Churlish Complaint Department, c/o USSR Academy of
Primatology, Minsk.
Dear Editor,
I want to object
to the censorship in your last issue.
I can't believe that a major publication like yours in 1989
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