Page Two
           “R.I.P. WIN WING WAN”
       It was cold and quiet that morning.  There was a touch of fog.  Roscue Spurl recalls rolling out of bed listening to the All-News Morning Music Show of KNUZ-FM.  Noodle Milhouse was buttering a muffin and watching “Prizes for Primates” on TV when he heard.  Uppie Sprouse had just finished her exercise routine, and Aubrey Mortwhistle was fixing his furnace again.  But however different their individual stories, what united them was that they all suddenly realized at exactly the same moment that they were living through what Hellmouth history would surely recognize and look back on as one of its blackest weeks.  Was it a psychic pulse from the brilliant mind of the dying Win Wing Wan that alerted these four strangers and many others, or was it a news bulletin?  We probably will never know for certain, but one thing we do know is that now he is gone, and most of us didn't even get a chance to know him.
      Win Wing Wan's life lay over the green field of primatology like a giant comforter.  As a young man, he attended the Glorious Peoples' Struggle Monkey School in Shanghai and the Three Principles Primate Academy in Beijing, graduating with honors in 1954.  For the next four years he conducted field studies in Madagascar on various reluctant lemuroids.  Then until 1962 he worked with the tall and lanky Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn studying sulky tarsiers on Borneo.  From 1962 to 1965 he was the Co-Chairman of the Primatology Department at Beijing University, and from 1965 to 1969 he worked in a Chinese laundry in Toupei.  In 1969 his fortunes changed and he was appointed as the Vice-Director of Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, moving up to the Directorship in 1972, an office he occupied until he was fired in February of 1988.
      Other positions he held locally included Health Monitor for the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, Coach of the the Hellmouth Hellcats Monkey Toss Team, Primatology Advisor to former Mayor John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., and Honorary Chairman of the Antlered Animals Lodge Hall Annual Conference on Habitat Loss.  His science publications are too numerous to list here, but he was particularly well-known for his article “The Inscrutable Tarsier: Just What the Heck Is It?” and for Monkeys, Monkeys, Monkeys, his textbook for undergraduate primatology courses.  Mr. Win was also the editor in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz.  He had a wife, a grandmother, two sisters and a brother, four aunts, an uncle, twelve cousins, and six sons, Win Wing Win, Win Wang Win, Win Wang Wan, Win Win Wing, Win Win Wang and Win Win Win, none of whom was married.  He will be missed.		  
 
               WIN WING WIN TAKES OVER
               'RECOMMENDED READING'
 
                 200 Months Ago Today

      200 months ago today Win Wing Wan had just
consolidated his position as the new Director of
Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo by
sending the former Director to take his place in a
Chinese laundry in Toupei and acquiring Basil, the
world's only bleary-eyed baboon, from a wildlife
park in Finland.  Win immediately reorganized the
zoo by moving every group of animals into the
enclosure to their right, which led to some pretty
hilarious results and not a few raised epicanthic
folds among the visiting public.  The experiment
was terminated after a week and the animals
returned to their original enclosures.  Win also returned to his original office.

      200 months ago today the world learned for
the first time about Monkey Island Prison and the
notorious and very evil-looking Commandant Dr.
Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf, a former Boer terrorist
who wears black felt patches over both eyes and
carries a silver-handled bullwhip.  Dr. Grootegraaf
spent many years chasing monkeys in South
Africa, and was affiliated in some as-yet unclear
way with the Wakkerstroom Primate Experiment
Center in the Great Karoo, which was apparently
closed in 1996.  Many letters were written to local
papers protesting the facility, and the Nooz
devoted an entire issue to it.

      200 months ago today the government of the
tiny and unmapped African nation of Badongo-
Gazimbi defied the opinion of the world and
passed the so-called Monkey Laws, restricting the
behavior and activities of all primates in the
country and requiring them to be tagged at all
times.  The laws also provided for foraging fees,
nest permits and mating licenses, and led to a
mass exodus of primates into the surrounding
countries, a situation which has only been
partially reversed two hundred months later after
the revocation of most of the laws.
(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  In a joint announcement by the
editorial staff and the Advisory Board of Primate Nooz
this morning, it was revealed that the 'Recommended
Reading' section lately vacated by the frozen Mr. Win
Wing Wan will be taken over by his eldest son, Mr. Win
Wing Win.  The younger man will be given an office in
the new Nooz building as soon as it is built, sources
said.  Win Wing Win only recently arrived on a slow
boat from China and has been taking English lessons for
the past several weeks at Sigsbee Junior Night College.
As far as the Nooz has been able to learn, Win Jr. has
had no training whatsoever in primatology, and in fact
just barely graduated from Dungzhou Lower School.  He
will begin by using his father's notes while he brushes
up on his skills.

FREEZING Cont. from page 1.

on the effects of oilberry beer on the mating behavior of sulky tarsiers at Kualakurun, and was the keynote speaker at the 1973 Great Apes and Lesser Primates Dinner held at Adudu, Badongo-Gazimbi.  His checkered career included such disparate activities as lecturing at the Malagasy Indri Institute and being a judge in the “Draw A Tarsier” Contest at Sigsbee Junior Night College, and took him all the way from the Glorious Peoples' Struggle Monkey School in Shanghai to a spacious office right next to Christopher Shaw's on the topmost floor of the now unfortunately collapsed Nooz building.
      At press time, dazed Nooz staffers were wandering
around still trying to come to terms with this terrible
event. Publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor
Widen Lundale, Jr. immediately released a statement of
sympathy to the Win family both here and in China, and
especially to eldest son Mr. Win Wing Win, who in
acordance with his father's wishes will be assuming the
mantle and heavy burden of being editor in charge of
the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz.
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