Page Three
By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
Editor's note:  Last time we had some serious problems with the spotlight, but with the help of the Arizona National Guard and Hellmouth Hardware Store, we were able to get it under control.  We have had several months of weekends now to work on the problem, and we believe it has been corrected.  As a precaution only, we are requesting all Nooz staff personnel to stay behind the yellow lines between 7 and 8pm on Friday. An insurance adjuster and a paramedic will be standing by.  OK, goggles on, and here we go.

      Hi! Bill [ZZZZZT!] Measely here, son of the late and famous [POP!] Sir Horton Measely, inventor and former owner of the hydrogen laser spotlight, which I, his son and [ZZZZZT!] heir, now own.  We have a really tough job this time, illuminating for our many [ZZZZZZT!] readers the odd and insular island of Madagascar.  As the spotlight [POP!] warms up and begins casting its 1250° beams in the general direction of Madagascar, we keep a firm grip on the control wheel. One glance is [ZZZZZZZZZT!] enough to notice the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged and ruined landscape. It is impossible not to observe the pitifully few [POP! ZZT!] prosimians who have managed to cling to a precarious existence despite the almost total destruction of their homes and habitats. [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!]
      [Adjustments being made.]
      Madagascar is an African country made up on many small islands with one large island nearby.  Most everything lives on the large island, so there's not much point talking about the small islands, besides which, being smaller they can tolerate the heat of the spotlight less readily.  The large island is shaped like a potato, or to be more specific, the kind of potato that might be grown at about 6000' elevation in the highlands of Kenya. Broader at one end than the other, a bulge protrudes capriciously from the east side, and... [ZZZZZT! POP!]
      [Adjustments being made.]
      The people of Madagascar are a motley bunch.  From east and west they came thirsting for land and fruit.  Famed Norwegian monkey scholar Dr. Rolf Sigurd Vanhammerfest has documented a direct link between the carved wooden artifacts of Madagascar and those of, for instance, Bali-Bali. [ZZZZZZZZZT! POP!]
      Rice statues and.... [ZZZZZZZZT! CRACKLE!]
      .....vegetables are grown in some areas.... [POP! POP!] .....many species of lemuroids that leap from .... [ZZZZZT!] .....thatched roofs .... [ZZZZZT!] ......sisal and kuru nuts .... [POP! ZZZZZZZT!]
      At this point, the spotlight was turned off and it was decided that it wasn't ready yet after all, so it is back to Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair.  Thank goodness it's still under warranty.  Next time, Spotlight on ??]

Due to the untimely and regrettable apprehending of Mr. Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus in South Africa, it is unclear at this point just when his “Report from the Field” will be able to resume.  Primate Nooz wishes to state that Mr. Fleiglehaus was not on an authorized trip and we disavow any knowledge of his activities.  His car has been placed in impound.

NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller:  “Helloo.”
NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller:  “Helloo?”
NOOZ:  “Who's calling please?”
Caller:  “It is I, Piet.”
NOOZ:  “Aye Peeyet?”
Caller:  “No no, my name, it is Piet.”
NOOZ:  “We don't know any Piets. What's the rest of your name and where the hell are you from anyway?”
Caller:  “I am Piet Mons Apeldoorn, the tall and lanky Dutch primatologist who studies tarsiers on Borneo.”
NOOZ:  “Fascinating. What do you want?”
Caller:  “I just wanted to say a small word in defense of of my friend, the eccentric but serious-minded Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho.”
NOOZ:  “Look, 500 people are calling in every day with stories of things he's pulled. Let's face it, he's guilty.”
Caller:  “But there might have been extenuating circumstances.”
NOOZ:  “Uh-huh.”
Caller:  “No, really.  Do you have any idea what jungle fever can do?”
NOOZ:  “We know all about jungle fever, and we'd say that you might have a touch of it yourself.”
Caller:  “That's neither here nor there.”
NOOZ:  “Aren't you the one who gives beer to the monkeys?”
Caller:  “I have been known to offer them a drop or two, purely for experimental purposes.”
NOOZ:  “And you have the nerve to call yourself a primatologist.”
Caller:  “Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I for one believe him when he says he was lost all that time.”
NOOZ:  “Well, we don't, and we're happy to say the Nooz editorial board doesn't either. Thanks for the call.”
Caller:  “They don't know everything.”
NOOZ:  “Uh-huh.”
Caller:  “What have you got against him anyway?”
NOOZ:  “Go back to Borneo, and lay off the oilberry beer.”

FACE ON MARS Cont. from page 1.

could just as easily have been called the Face of the Short-Eared Serval. The sighting of meerkat faces was later shown to be the result of some atmospheric distortion, while the spectacled bear was clearly a fraud. Seeing animal faces on the surface of Mars has in fact been a fairly common phenomena of our new telescopic age, and many of these remain stubbornly unexplained.
      And so this latest observation, of a primate face this time, and coming as it does at a time when all hominoids are being put in a position of having to reevaluate their situations, has caused many of those people who regularly read World Weekly, The World This Week, Weekly World and PRIMATE LIFE to rethink their whole genetic heritage.  The surface of Mars appears to be covered with stony representations of very familiar animal faces, and it really makes one stop and wonder just what they're doing there.

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