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Primate Nooz regrets to be in the awkward position of having to apologize for having creating a perhaps less than strictly factual impression when we reported last year about the sinking of the mountainous and heavily-forested island of Santa Rubia, belonging to the tiny and almost unnoticeable Central American nation of Gorgonzola. What we meant to say of course, and we are sorry for any harm done to anyone as a result of this unfortunate slip and just delighted to be able to correct this regrettable report without further ado, is that it did not sink. Everything is fine there, and we apologize for having said it wasn't.


José Ochohos Obregón (1989).  The Sinking of Santa Rubia Island.  Portoviejo Press, Caracas.  *****

Professor Rolf Sigurd Vanhammerfest (1940).  Adrift On The Greenland Icecap Looking For Snow Monkeys In The Dead of Winter.  Trondheim, Kristiansund, Haarfarger and Grieg, Oslo.  *****

Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy and Alexander Knuckleberry (1990). “Comparative Plummeting Rates in Ten Species of Old and New World Lesser Primates." Journal of Abnormal Primatology, 29(2):31-44.  *****

Bill Measely (1984).  Inventions That Have Changed History Series #32: The Hydrogen Laser Spotlight and Its Effect on the Development of Third World Fire Departments.  Bedlington Press, 7 Sheffield Court SW, Wycombe Common, Alsworthy, Tunbridge Wells, Great Britain.  *****

Piet Mons Apeldoorn (1982).  “Beer Preferences in Sulky Tarsiers at Kualakurun Primate Reserve.” Borneo Bulletin, Supplement No. 22, 12-30.  *****


The Sub-Adult Social Society presents 'An Evening of Fun.'  Forage and frolic to your heart's content in an atmosphere of virtually unrestrained enthusiasm. We do have a few rules, but almost anything goes here at the Antlered Animals Lodge Hall, next Friday 9pm-????  Dancing, eating, mimes, live music, magic show, kickboxing, bingo, bobbing, miniature railroad, fireworks, door prizes.  Come and visit, you'll love our decorations.

National Higher Mammal Rights League pot luck supper, Sunday, 6pm, Picnic Ground B, Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium.

Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus will give a talk about his travels to bug-ridden parts of the world to the Young Explorers Club at Beazleton Memorial Elementary School, Room 301, Tue. 10am.  There will be an automotive seminar in the NW corner of the gym, followed by a lunch of braised gobo roots and other rainforest delicacies detoxified by the wizards at the Fruit Toxins Institute. May have to be cancelled if Mr. Fleiglehaus is still in prison.

Snow Monkey Winter Relief Fund Benefit, Sat., 8pm, Sigsbee Junior Night College Auditorium. We need hand warmers desperately.  Call for info.

Oondóué and Piet's
  Oondóué M. Boué and Piet Mons   Apeldoorn invite you to join the   Fruit of the Month Club.  Every   month, they will send the best in   tropical fruits from various exotic   locations. Tarap, litchi, tamarind,   mangosteen, jackfruit, rambutans,   acerolas, langsat, pandanus, wild   plums, sweet durians and jungle   oranges.  $269.00 for 12 monthly   shipments.  Box 1013, Hellmouth.
Produced as a public service by all the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Cheesequake, Runnamuck and Hellmouth Electric Railway Company, the Bluetail Foundation, the New Swiss Anthropoid Behavior Commission, Wilt's Water Bar, and the Great Apes and Lesser Primates Dinner Organizing Committee.
© M. Charters, 1990, Sierra Madre, CA.


Are you presently in a bachelor group? Roaming around by yourself?  Looking for a mate and not having much luck?  We know where you're coming from, because we've been there. We're the Carbon Dating Service, and we've been doing this for millions of months.  We've helped loads of lonely lemurs, plenty of depressed douracoulis, and quite a few sad spider monkeys.  We can help you too.  All species on hand.  Call us for a date before another half-life passes.

JUST RELEASED:  A new game you can play while migrating or back in your own habitat.  No matter where you live, you'll enjoy this new entertainment sensation sweeping the tropics.  Called K-strategy, it's from the makers of the fabulously popular parlor game r-strategy. Specially designed for primates. Available right now at Hubbleheimer's 5 and Dime, and also at the 24-hour Shopalot in Cheesequake.

Thirsty?  Who isn't?  Well, you don't have to take it anymore.  Now you can dip your lips into a tall cool glass of water at Wilt's Water Bar. We have water from Bali-Bali and Gabon, Madagascar and the sluggish Carauari River. We even have low-sodium water from Lake Badongo-Gazimbi.  So don't wait any longer.  Brachiate, saltate, knucklewalk or just plain quadrupedally locomote down to Wilt's Water Bar on 3rd Ave. between Vine and Pine. Our specialty is high-tannin blackwater imported from Borneo.  Come in and try it.

Having problems with some neighbor species? Woods filled with pesky primates of some other stripe?  Don't worry about it. I'll come out and clear away the little buggers and leave the forest to you. Of course, it'll cost you.  Rates according to monkeys per hectare.  Nick's Primate Disposal, Pine St. and 3rd Ave., Hellmouth.

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