Vol. 90,  No. 4
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jul. 10, 1990

  PRESIDENT CONGRATULATES
  PRIMATE NOOZ ON AWARD!
 
ABOMINABLE PRIMATE SEEN
IN HIGHLANDS OF BALI-BALI!
 
 
PRIMATE NOOZ ON VERGE
OF FINANCIAL DISASTER
 
(UPI)  Boise, ID.  In a report issued yesterday, the governing board of the National Association of Primatological Newspapers accused Primate Nooz publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. of fiscal irresponsibility and gross mismanagement.  The report stated that a recent audit of the Nooz books revealed a shocking picture of the paper's current financial situation, including diverted funds, heavily-mortgaged capital equipment, drained retirement and pension plans, exaggerated estimates of net worth, stock value and future earnings, and many investments in shady enterprises.  Mr. Putney and Mr. Lundale could not immediately be reached for their comment.
 
  Primate Nooz is published as often as our shaky financial situation allows and whenever funds are made available to us by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  It's just barely possible that some back issues might be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz Archives Deptartment, c/o Antlered Animals Lodge Hall, Hellmouth, Arizona.  
(Reuters)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  Bells rang out and even rickshaws stopped operating yesterday in this beautiful and oddly-proportioned Southeast Asian city as the sixteen members of the weary and worn-down International Rare Animal Search Team returned from two weeks in the hot, moist and vegetation-choked highlands region of Kalabatangtarang National Park, where they claim to have seen almost certain traces of the oft-reported but little seen Abominable Primate. The team, including the redoutable Irish paleoprimatol-ogist Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, Dutch tarsier expert Piet Mons Apeldoorn, Professors Beauregard Montgomery and Mortimer Thumpergarden, and Nooz West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher Shaw, spent three days trying to get out of a remote high valley after stumbling across some very strange footprints and tufts of hair not very much like those of known animals.  They also may have heard some noises which couldn't be identified.
      Sightings of the odd stoop-shouldered anthropoidal creature have been made frequently on Bali-Bali and in the areas north of Nepal, but no one has ever produced any concrete evidence that it really exists.  The Search Team will be returning to Kalabatangtarang after a hot shower and a few oilberry beers.
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