Page Two
  
“THE NOOZ SPEAKS
       OUT LOUD AND CLEAR!”
        
Alright, you pathetic crybabies, is what we feel like saying.  And wringing some scrawny necks is what we feel like doing.  So what?  So what if the Nooz did win the Scopes Award? So what if we did get a congratulatory telegram from the President? So what if publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. did receive an invitation to visit the White House?  So what? SO WHAT?  Do these things mask the underlying problems we have here at the Nooz?  Do they cover up the cracks in our aging metaphysical facade with the liquidy mortar of indifference?  Do they obviate the necessity for change?
      No, we murmer with steely determination.  Uh-uh, we say with well-considered resolve. NO WAY, we shout with inflexible purpose and dogged tenacity.  NOOOOO, we scream with unabashed certitude and manic glee.  We suppose our point doesn't matter very much in the scheme of things, and we aren't the only ones.  We know it's a small case, perhaps even insignificant.  We admit that it probably won't much affect the game on Saturday between the Fighting Fiddlers of St. Aloyishus and the Cheesequake Junior High Nightowls.  We acknowledge that whichever way it goes it most likely won't change the price of figs on the world market. We accept that however it turns out, it almost certainly will not put a single primate back on the endangered species list.  Not today anyway.
      So what?  That's what we've been asking, and that's what we're still asking.  So what?  It's simple enough really.  If you have the answers to any of the above questions, please send them as soon as possible to:  Editorial Editor, Primate Nooz, Hellmouth General Delivery. We'll withhold your name if you want us to, but if you can send along a contribution of any kind, we'd be most grateful.  The more money we get from you, the better chance we have of keeping these editorials in the Nooz where they belong, and not out on the street causing trouble.  This has been a bad year for the editorial department, even worse than last year, and this is a wonderful opportunity for all our readers to let us know how sorry they are in a really meaningful way.  Make your checks payable to the Primate Nooz Rescue Fund, and please, don't ask for a receipt.
  
 
 
FLEIGLEHAUS RELEASED
FROM S. AFRICAN PRISON
  
 
200 Months Ago Today

      200 months ago today the young and not-yet eminent paleoprimatologist Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, was walking along a bumpy beach on the salty southwest coast of Ireland when he stubbed his toe on the object that would change his life forever.  Swearing mightily in Gaelic, he reached down and picked it up, then threw it back down, then picked it back up, then threw it down again, then picked it up again and put it in his pocket, then took it out of his pocket and studied it, threw it to one side, picked it up, turned it over in his hands several times, dropped it, picked it up, threw it to the other side, picked it up once more, and finally placed it decisively into his brown leather geologist's sack.  Little did he know then that he had just discovered the first primate fossil in Ireland, and that from that find would grow the world-famous Blarney-Killarney Fossil Primate Site.

      200 months ago today the dusty afternoon silence that had prevailed for generations in the little cobble-filled Pyrhhenees town of Les Ecole de Chapuiy was suddenly broken by the dry and desultory gobble-whooping of an ill-mannered troop of French fiddler monkeys. Before incensed local residents could put down their croissants and do anything about it, the internationally-disliked primate scholar Dr. Francois Quimper Bonnetable Rochefort-Chateauroux had moved in with his smelly monkeys and established the Rochefort-Chateauroux Institute of Simian Science. Despite numerous protests against the facility, Dr. Rochefort-Chateauroux has managed to publish a great deal about the behavior and morphology of French fiddler monkeys.  He was once overheard to say, “I don't care a fake fig for the people of this town.”  Exactly why he moved there is a question the answer to which even now 200 months later remains obscure.

      200 months ago today the prolific Egyptian gelada specialist Watah Al-Qahirah was accidentally locked in a chamber under the Great Pyramid of Gizeh for 17 days with nothing to eat except some petrified beef jerky and a bottle of Nefertiti pink cabernet.
(UPI)  Bittersdorp, South Africa.  In deference no doubt to his international position as Reporter from the Field for Primate Nooz, Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus was released yesterday from Monkey Island Prison, after promising never, ever to try to file one of his reports from there again, or to interview the notorious and evil-looking Commandant Dr. Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf.  He immediately announced firm plans to leave for Europe next week to visit with Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, the U.K.'s greatest living primatologist, at the world-famous Blarney-Killarney Fossil Primate Site in Ballybunion on the salty southwest coast of Ireland.
      “This has been quite an experience,” he said with a chuckle, “and I'm certainly looking forward to filing my next report.”  Extensive repairs on his car were necessary before he was able to drive it out of the impound lot.
 
 
GIANT SPACE PRIMATE STILL
HEADING TOWARD THE EARTH
  
(Reuters) Mole Creek, Tasmania.  As far as anyone can determine by looking through the 36" telescope at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, the giant space primate discovered heading toward Earth last December is still heading toward Earth.  If it continues to head toward Earth on its present course, it will impact with the ground somewhere near Mole Creek, according to the calculations of Dr. Basil Smith.
       There is no word yet as to the taxa of the space primate, but it seems clear already that it will be a new one. This has been the subject of bitter quarrels between its co-discoverers Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Dr. Smith over the past several months. So far, the existence of the space-dwelling primate has not been confirmed at any other space observatory.
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