Page Three
 

[Note:  The following Nooz Phone interview was conducted by prior arrangement at the caller's place of residence, the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium , Enclosure 42, with a highly-qualified ASL interpreter in attendance.  The interview was recorded exactly as it took place.]

NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Smell you Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “We're sorry, what was that?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Cat dung smell Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “If this is a crank call we're going to have to report you.”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Rock flower sit dirty Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Are you retarded or something?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Big stomach dirty Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “What's your name?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Sit dirty flower bird. Smell you Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “We're not really getting an anything across here.  Could you be more specific?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Stink morning Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “That sounds suspiciously like a personal insult to us. Would you care to retract that statement?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Stink morning night Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Where did you come from anyway?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Nooz stink stink.”
NOOZ:  “Are you trying to make some kind of point?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Nooz bad air smell.”
NOOZ:  “We've had just about enough of this.  Is there anything else you want to say?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Smell bad Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Call back if you think of something.
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Stink stink dirty dirty Nooz...”

[At this point, the Nooz Phone was disconnected and plans were made not to do any more of these mobile interviews.]
 
 
This is a test.  This newspaper is conducting a test of the Primate Emergency Notification System. Primate Nooz and its two sister publications Primate Week and PRIMATE LIFE are cooperating in an effort to notify our many readers of any potential emergencies.  For the next 60 seconds, you will read only a test signal.  This is only a test.
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     This has been a test of the Primate Emergency Notification System.  If this had been an actual emergency, such as a fruit famine or a species about to go extinct, the signal you just read would have been replaced by information and instructions. You should do whatever you're told.  This was only a test.
  
Editor's note:  “WHAT IS....?” is a semi-regular feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers and in which we grapple with a few of the most fundamental questions of the universe.  This time we are truly fortunate to have a man of the stature of Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, Director of the Northern Ireland Primate Research Center and Monkey Museum in Belfast and Principle Investigator at the world-famous Blarney-Killarney Fossil Primate Site at Ballybunion.  Now all you kids better listen up because this won't be easy, but then nothing good in life is, right? OK, all set?  Pencils ready, lights off, and let's give a big hand to Sir Ian. And don't call him 'Allen.'
by
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles
(called 'Allen' by his friends)
 

      Hrmmph!  Hrmmph!  Many well-intentioned people during the course of my travels have asked me to tell them more about the giant pygmy chimpanzee, Pan paniscus giganteus or umfalawi, so I was very happy, indeed more than a little excited to be invited by the Primate Nooz to describe for its wonderful readers just what a complicated and interesting creature it really is. I was so excited I forgot all about my son's graduation from Sigsbee Junior Night College!  I haven't been that excited since I received the page proofs for my book Irish Primates Throughout History and got locked in an office at the Museum for an entire weekend.
      Of course, that was my first book. I didn't get nearly as excited when my second book was published, Monkeys of the Dingle Peninsula, printed in English and Gaelic.  And by the time my third book came out, Pre-Roman Anthropoids of Britain and Western Europe (in 3 vols.), I was hardly excited at all.  That's the way I've heard it was with other people.  Their first book comes out, they get real excited.  Second and third books, not nearly as excited.
      It's the same way with articles.  I remember when my first monograph was published, “Diet Variability in West Irish Lesser Primates,” I was so excited I let my subscription to the Royal Museum Journal of the Cercopithecinae lapse, and it caused quite a hoorah when I tried to have it reinstated. But my latest offering, “Rafting as an Explanation of How Primates Crossed the Irish Sea,” has barely gotten my blood pressure up.  Curious, isn't it?
      Oh, yes, about the chimpanzees.... They inhabit the rubbery, high-canopy forest, they have round eyes and are often dark-colored, they eat fruit from the rare aguruguguguru tree from which they also get abundant nesting material, and they are preyed on occasionally by the Togobogo screaming monkey eagle and the so-called aguruguguguru tree python.  What else do you want to know. Hrmmph! Hrmmph!

WOW!!  JEEPERS CREEPERS!!  NOW YOU KIDS WON'T HAVE TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR DAD ASKING, "WHAT IS THE GIANT PYGMY CHIMPANZEE, ANYWAY?"

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