Vol. 93,  No. 1
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jun. 10, 1993


(INA)  North of Nepal, Asia.  A giant monkey was reported to have been sighted less than a week ago somewhere north of Nepal by several members of an international research team headed by Dr. Poon Sanddandtundra, the well-known Indian.  The large and somewhat unattractive simian was described as having longish and brownish fur and small eyes, and as being about 3-1/2 feet tall.  It had a prominent cranial tuft and a short stubby tail.  Dr. Sanddandtundra notified the local authorities that this was the largest primate of any type that had been previously observed. Within hours, telegrams and letters of congratulation began pouring into the nearby post office, and the Royal Simian Society of Bhutan voted to make the noted Indian an honorary member.
        When the team members first approached, the creature stood up to its full height, then went down on all fours, then stood up again and immediately lay down and rolled over, after which it sat up, blinked several times, waved its arms, then leaned slowly over, did a complete sideways somersault, stood up again, and finally fell over backwards, knocking itself unconscious against a rotten tree stump, but apart from these activities, there was nothing unusual about its behavior.
        “I've seen this kind of thing before,” said Dr. Sanddandtundra, mopping his brow in evident nervous exhaustion. “It's just that the primate in question here is larger than any we have sighted heretofore.”  The eminent Indian has previously been responsible for reporting sightings of the lesser winking martindale, the black-headed river monkey, the Hawaiian baboon, the dwarf hopping tamarin, the lazy-eyed lemur, and the black- and-blue diving guenon, all of which have for quite some time been considered to be extinct species.  Dr. Sanddandtundra's team includes Professor Vilvoorde Turnhout of the New Dutch National Monkey School, Dr. Bozdogan Denizli of the Ankara University Primatology Dept., Dr. R.L. Ratchasima Phichit of the Indochinese Primate Union,

(Cont. on page 4)    
(AP)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  The world-renowned Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory in the heart of north central Tasmania was almost destroyed yesterday by the impact of a large meteor.  The meteor strike and resulting blast occurred at 7:21am, a time when many of the facility's primatologists were getting coffee and donuts.  No word on casualties has been released, but it is doubtful that there were many since the meteor landed approximately 127 miles away outside the small and remote community of Conara Junction. At the time of the impact, the frequently-fueding Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith were both attending the Conference on North Himalayan Primates in Auckland and could not be reached for comment. This is the third primate research facility to be almost hit by a meteor in the past year.
Primate Nooz is published whenever large primates are sighted north of Nepal or anywhere else, by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Asia, Africa and South America (except Costa Rica). Back issues are scarce but occasionally may be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Baxter-Burnham Inflatable Building, Hellmouth, AZ.
(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A world jaded by overlarge helpings of gorogo bean pie was jarred into an uneasy alertness last week by the stunning announcement that a message from the future had been received by explorer extraordinaire and Primate Nooz roving correspondent Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, better known to some perhaps as the discoverer of the fabled lost city of the cercopithecines, and other things.  After thousands of hours of incredibly tedious work, the message has finally been translated, although its meaning has not been adequately explained.  This is the first message ever to be received from the future, and as such will no doubt occupy the attention of people who study these kinds of things for a long time.
      Although it was at first reported that the wierd message from a distant tomorrow was excavated in the tiny and almost unnoticeable Central American nation of Gorgonzola, high athwart the rugged ramparts of the Chiquita Mountains, that was not strictly speaking true. What really happened is that the message was found on a torn scrap of paper in the deteriorating and termite-ridden rolltop desk of Professor Ohhohoho during the search for him while he was "lost" in the poison-filled basin of the ancient ant-strewn Amazon.  The message languished there in the bottom drawer under some musty legal documents for seven months after first being found by the downstairs maid, and was only recently brought to light and translated at the Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate
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