MESSAGE FROM FUTURE Cont. from page 1.
The message, which reads in
full as follows, ...[m]onkeys. Pants ready. Will
you pick them up? D..., has baffled the best minds
of several localities, not the least of which is the Hellmouth area,
where primate experts from Pine St. to Vine St. have for weeks been
wrestling with its arcane meaning and uncertain import. Just
what are 'pants'? Who does the 'you' refer to? And what
are we to make of the mark at the bottom where the paper is torn
that looks very much like the letter 'D'? Could this be part
of some peculiar new name, like Darg or Doose, in vogue in that
unimaginably distant future, from which this odd message unquestionably
comes? Most curious of all is the singular word '[m]onkeys'
that appears at the very top left side followed by a smudged period.
Might this be some bizarre future salutation or is it something
else? We just don't know. The one thing that no one seems
to dispute is that it is indeed a message from the future, but its
true significance remains stubbornly unclear.
There is persuasive evidence
that the message was either addressed to some kind of a primate,
or alluded to some kind of a primate, or had to do in some obscure
way with primates, a conclusion which has several of the monkey
institutions in the Hellmouth and Cheesequake areas buzzing with
speculation as to how the strange message from the future might
possibly benefit them. But, for the time being, they, like
all of us here at the Nooz, can only chew their nails and wait for
more infor- mation. We're looking at it real close,
said Mr. Harney P. Whipple, assistant director of the Horntoad
River Valley Primate Study Center and Gift Shop, and we'll
know something eventually.
200 Months Ago Today
200 months ago today
the eminent Indian Dr. Poon Sanddandtundra entered therapy
for the first time. He was a young man, freshly graduated
from the SW New Mexico State Primate Academy, but it was clear
that he was un- stable even then. He had a history of
erratic behavior, often making completely unsubstantiated
reports of very strange primates in various parts of the Southwest,
yet he perservered, and was rewarded by being probationarily
accepted into the Simian Psychology program at Sigsbee Junior
Night School. It was at that time that he began to go
downhill more rapidly. His instructors became somewhat
fearful, and his classmates took to avoiding him. He
spent several summers working with international groups purporting
to do research in odd parts of the world, sending back reports
of previously unobserved primates, and gaining a reputation
for peculiarity. Today, 200 months later, he appears
to have fully justified the apprehensions that were felt about
him by so many of his colleagues all those months ago.
200 months ago today
the world was astonished at the apparent rediscovery in the
wilds of Bali-Bali of the lesser winking martindale by the
young Indian monkey student Poon Sanddandtundra. Regrettably,
the find was proven to be a great blue marmoset escaped from
a zoo. The winking martindale was a curious primate
which got its name by winking at the researchers who were
trying to study it, thereby hopelessly throwing off their
objectivity. The lesser winking martindale has been
primarily distinguished from the common by being smaller.
After having been observed for many years, it was thought
to have gone extinct until that remarkable day 200 months
ago when it was reported by Mr. Sanddandtundra to have turned
up again. Once the error became known however, the lesser
winking martindale was once again consigned to the dusty
bins of primate history, and today, 200 months later, is but
a fuzzy memory in our minds.