Page Four


Primate Nooz is proud and just plain tickled pink to be able to announce the immediate and irrevocable dropping for all time and forever of the several lawsuits which were brought against us by Mr. Christopher Shaw of Los Angeles.  The happy resolution of this unhappy affair has permitted us to at least temporarily resume the publication of the Nooz, which our many fans have been yammering for over the past two and a half years, and which despite its forced hiatus won last month's prestigious Hellmouth Junior Chamber of Commerce's Citizenship Runner-Up Prize, and received a favorable mention in the Monkeys of Mali Monthly's spring 1993 issue.  We are also pleased to announce that Mr. Shaw has once again agreed to become Really Scientific Letters Editor and also to oversee the 'Recommended Reading' section, replacing Dr. Thrace Thrasher, who has left the Nooz to become the personal physician and court primatologist to the King of Broonay.  Thanks, Chris, and welcome back!


Dr. Poon Sanddandtundra (1991).  Large Primates of the Nepalese Highlands.  Indian Primate Society Publishing Co., Chukkar 12, West Ingoosh, Bangalore. *****

Dr. Poon Sanddandtundra (1989).  “Ethological relationships between the various giant monkey species living north of Nepal.”  Sub-continent News, May 12. *****

Robert S. Mottley (1965).  “A Statistical Variant Analysis of Primates Living South of Nepal, With Particular Regard to the Total Absence of Any Primates Whatsoever Living North, East or West of Nepal, Either Large or of Any Size.”  Bombay Monkey Club Notes, 132(7):109-125.  *****

Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho (1992).  “The Mountain Monkey North of Nepal.”  High Altitude Studies in the Himalayas #86, U.S. Air Force Abstracts, Washington, D.C.  *****

Christopher Shaw (1993).  “Pulling the Plug on a Scam Like the Giant Nepalese Monkey Sighting Can Be a Tricky Business.”  Reader's Digest, 932:18-25. *


Cont. from page 1.

and Dr. Massenya Moussoro of N'Djamena College of Primate Linguistics, representing a grand total of some two hundred months of primate research experience in the field.
        The Nooz has recently learned that Dr. Sanddandtundra has been under the care of a therapist for the past several years and is now showing signs of the great strain he has apparently been under recently.  At least one of his Nepalese assistants has stated that Dr. Sanddandtundra accidentally forgot his medications when he left his research center at Jabalpur and may actually have been in his tent when the brief encounter supposedly took place.



Are you looking for that unusual gift, that special something for the one you love, perhaps that imported item from Gorgonzola you saw advertised in the Hellmouth Star Ledger and Daily Chronicle?  Well, look no farther, because WE'VE GOT the famous rubbery Santa Rubia Island PINK COCONUTS packed 12 to a box, we've got high-protein Santa Rubia Island BLUE TERMITES crushed and ground in liter and half-liter bags (only in February), we've got Santa Rubia Island CORAL CHESSBOARDS and ASHTRAYS and LAWN FOUNTAINS, we've got Santa Rubia Island WEED NECKLACES of too many types to mention.  So come on down today or send for our catalog of GORGONZOLA IMPORTED PRODUCTS.  Leaves 'n' Things (we changed our name from Leaves 'R' Us), Muggley's Main Street Mall, Cheesequake (near the sinkhole).

ATTENTION CHEESEQUAKERS! There will be a meeting in the Grand Room of the Hellmouth Holiday Inn at 2pm on Saturday to discuss what can be done about the latest round of staff layoffs at the Man and Mammal Museum. Director Merlin Musselwhyte will be there to answer charges that he misappropriated museum funds, and coffee will be served in the lounge afterwards. Meeting sponsored by the Cheesequake Man and Mammal Museum Staff Cuts Investigatory Group.

Produced as a public service by the nice folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with additional funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Bluetail Foundation, The Giant Mouse Lemur Survival Commission, the Russian national primatology newspaper Primatsiya Primatsiya, the Equatorial Plummeting League of Togobogo, the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank, Chester Champ's Chimp Safari, Cranston's Crematory Supplies, and the Cheesequake Man and Mammal Museum Staff Cuts Investigatory Group.
© M. Charters, 1993, Sierra Madre, CA.

Dear Dr. Nööz,
      I happen to know for certain that there are absolutely no primates living north of Nepal.  In fact there are no primates living east or west of Nepal either, of any size, and Dr. Sanddandtundra should know this. I hear he has been on Lithium and several other mood-altering drugs.  Is there any truth to this?
                                  Robert S. Mottley
                                  South of Nepal, Asia

Dear Bob,
      I have no idea.

Dear Dr. Nööz,
      Just what does this Sanddandtundra guy mean by 'north of Nepal' anyway? That could include lots of places.  How far north does he mean?  And what kind of a name is Poon?  I know a lot of Indians, but not one of them is named Poon.  Have you looked into his institutional history?
                                  Dr. Oondóué M. Boué
                                  Academie Republíque Gabonaise

Dear Oondóué,

Send in your questions with a stamped self-addressed envelope to Dr. Nööz, and we'll do
our best to see that he answers them.

Page One
Page Two Page Three  Home Page Next Issue