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             NOT BE SILENT!”
Wouldn't you know that the mercenary scumbags from the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. would try to use the occasion of our latest misfortune, namely the swinging around without warning of the hot 1250° hydrogen laser spotlight in the Nooz offices and the severe burning of several people, to bring us down, to lay us low, to cut the very legs out from under us?  Can we help it if it's so dry in East Borneo that the merest 1250° beam would start a fire there?  After all, we were just trying to illuminate the world's third largest island for our new “Spotlight on the World” feature.  Is it our fault if the ghost of Sir Horton Measely, inventor of the hydrogen laser spotlight and father of Bill Measely, possibly might have taken control for a few seconds and turned up the power of the spotlight with some malevolent intent?  Is the Nooz to blame because a few non-union sub-technicians were too slow to get out of the way of a piece of equipment that was swinging around wildly and sending out hot 1250° beams willy-nilly?
          The moguls of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. greet each fresh disaster here at the Nooz with a gleeful wringing of hands.  They all cheered when we were forced to retract those statements we made about their involvement in international primate trading, and they gloated when our membership in the Arizona Newspaper Association was summarily cancelled.  Yes, they would dearly love to regain control of this bastion of journalistic freedom, especially now that we are standing in the way of their insidious plans, but we have made up our minds to fight them come hell or high water.  They've schemed and they've plotted and they've taken advantage of calamity and bad luck, but each time we rise phoenix-like from the ashes of humiliation and despair.  Even the mighty and powerful Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. cannot for long quiet our tiny voice.  The Nooz will not be silent!


      A fruit sale was held at the Hellmouth Open Air Market by a primate interspecies association of bluetails, muscatels, Croesus monkeys and redfaced macaroons.  The all-day event turned out to be wildly successful, with durians and figs being sold out by 10am.  The proceeds will go toward the purchase of several acres of prime rainforest in either Bali-Bali, Gabon, Jujube or Badongo-Gazimbi.


Wielkopolski, Kowicz Sochaczewzno, Augustow Szcytno, Zgierz Wagrowiec, Turek Krzyz, Grylice Koszalin and Elblag Skarzysko-Kamienna, by which time his listeners were growing somewhat restive.
      To mounting catcalls from the audience and not a few thrown vegetables, the obviously-fatigued elderly primatologist described his ideas about early primate evolution, including his much-maligned theory that an obscure corner of Africa called Badongo-Gazimbi was the original home of the first true simian.  He stated that it is his intention to someday travel to the tiny and almost unmapped country formerly known as Dutch Southwest Africa to search for fossil evidence of our monkey beginnings.
      Dr. von Czechowice-Dziedzice remarked that our entire concept of primate history and of what a primate is may have to be changed.  With the help of an old set of slides gathered from all over the world, he traced our origins far, far back to a furry, large-eyed creature generally muscade and/or sennet in color, and weighing 120g. or 4.25oz. on average, very much in fact, as he was quick to point out, like the modern sulky tarsier, Tarsius irritatus.
      The much-respected professor's summation was greeted with taciturn silence, broken only by some occasional hooting.  The primatologists present had no apparent stomach for revising their beloved theories, and their reaction can be expected to be largely negative.

    The death on Thursday of the world's last bleary-eyed baboon came as a shock to those of us who visited with Basil only three years ago at Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo.  At that time he was in the grip of good health and Win Wing Wan was still the zoo director.  Now Basil is gone and Mr. Win is scratching out a meager living for himself by writing short articles for Primate Nooz and its two sister publications, Primate Week and PRIMATE LIFE.

      Ms. Shelley Cox, renowned ursid expert and Page Museum lab mom, announced yesterday the recent exca-vation of the first teddy bear fossils ever found. The revelation has thrown the museum into an uproar, caused wide-spread amazement, and turned upside down overnight current paleontological theory.  The bones were at first thought to be those of a second La Brea 'apeman,' but relying on her extensive scientific knowledge of teddy bear anatomy, the eagle-eyed Cox only took a few minutes to identify them correctly.

      Noted paleoprimatologist, automotive authority and author of such popular articles as “Going Down a Monkey Hole With Nothing But a Swiss Army Knife,” Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus has been hired by the Nooz to undertake a new project tentatively called “Report from the Field.”  As soon as he is able to get his car ready, he will depart on his first assignment to the Makokou Study Area in Gabon, where famed Dr. Oondóué M. Boué has been observing the behavior of wild bluetail guenons.  At least he will if Dr. Boué can find the missing primates.

Our new feature, “Spotlight on the World,” was an unfortunate casualities of the recent events in the Nooz office.  We hope that this potentially exciting educational series will be able to premiere soon.
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