Primate Nooz apologizes again and this time we really mean
it. Alright, we admit it, we're stumped. We're floored, we're
bamboozled, we're at a loss. We just don't understand how
another infantile reference to some bogus article supposedly written
by Chris Shaw managed to weasel its way into our 'Recommended Reading'
section. We can't figure out how it could have passed through
our security and gotten into the paper. And so, with the threat
of further legal action hanging over us, we have taken stern measures
to rectify the situation. The new editor of the 'Recommended Reading'
section has been demoted to 'Adverts and Personals,' and we have
invited Mr. Christopher Shaw himself to take over the position.
We are pleased to announce that he has accepted and will begin
immediately. Maybe he can put an end to this nasty business
once and for all, and also he might be too busy to sue us.
Sir Arthur Baslington Chillingford Streebs-Watley,
B.D.S. (1883). My Adventures Among the Giant Nose-Eaters
of Senegal, Wherein I Lost My Best Hat. National
Conservation Weekly, 527:79-120. *****
Leif Englanberg and Olaf Petersen (1953).
Two Came Back. Viking Press, Reykjavik. *****
Dr. Polly Popkin (1986). Being a
Primate and Liking It. Harcourt Brace, New York.
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1988). Monkeys
of the Dingle Peninsula. West Galway Press, Galway.
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1990). Pre-Roman
Anthropoids of Britain and West Europe, in 3 vols. Royal Dublin
Publishing Co., Dublin. *****
Christopher Shaw (1988). Being the 'Recommended
Reading' Editor for Primate Nooz Can Be a Tricky Business.
Reader's Digest, 887:12-28. **
I have been kept prisoner in
a concrete-floored cage for over fifteen years. Every day
I am the subject of unpleasant experiments and increasingly intellectually-difficult
tests. I have already learned six thousand signs in ASL and
can type, build and operate a small computer, and play the violin.
How much more do they want me to know? My cat Candy and I
want to go back to the forest. What can I do to regain my
I'm a sportive lemur and she's
a ringtail. I'm nocturnal and she's diurnal. She loves
to forage during the day and sleep at night. I like going
places when it's dark and then lying around all day. We're
just a crazy mixed-up couple. I know it's wierd, but is there
any way we can be happy together.
You've summed up the situation
pretty well. Have you tried adopting a diel or crepuscular
lifestyle? If this fails, you can perhaps be nocturnal one
week and diurnal the next. And there's always the possibility
that you're just with the wrong pri-mate. In any
case, good luck!
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I have taken out this ad to inform
everyone who might be interested that the resident orangutan in my area
of the forest is a jerk. He likes to knock over trees and should be avoided.
I renounce any and all obligations resulting from my unfortunate con-sortship
with this individual. Penny.
Parents taken for medical research. Getting hungry. Can't
last too much longer. Will you help? Send spare bananas to
Box 17, Libreville, Gabon.
Adult female blackeyed tamarin of breeding age, seeks
preferably two males to take over all infant care after birth. I'm in
a hurry, so call. B15
Female giant mouse lemur seeks lesser rumpled galago and/or
pygmy marmoset for slightly unusual cross-species entertainment. Must
be able to cling vertically without assistance. Send photo and vitals.
Can meet you at Antananarivo Airport. D20.
Recommended Reading' Editor for Primate Nooz seeks
material for articles. Contact Chris Shaw at the Nooz office.
Produced as a public service by
those friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp.,
with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Matsushita
Chopstick Co., the USSR Academy of Primatology, Minsk, the Harvard
University Primate Medical Testing Laboratory, the Ohio Order
of Owl Monkey Observers, the Woodrow Wilson Old World Monkey
Center, the Sigsbee Junior Night College Anthropology Club,
the 1st National Bank of Hellmouth, the Tarsier Times,
Lou's House of Leaves, the Primate Anti-Vivisection League,
the Los Angeles County Museum of Unnatural History, Omohundro
and Cricksdale Monkey Books, and the National Science Foundation.