Vol. 89,  No. 1
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jan. 10, 1989

  “I DIED AND WENT
           TO MONKEY HELL!”
  ...says famed researcher
      When the world-renowned researcher Sir Barclay Buffum checked into the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility last month for a simple eyelid-scraping procedure, he thought he would be out in a few hours.  But something went dreadfully wrong, he told the Nooz, and he blames Chief Surgeon Dr. Dick Doody. The anesthetist on duty that day was an overeager young intern named Reeves Slaughterhouse, only a few weeks out of medical school in Mexico.  Apparently, the Facility's records indicate, a valve on the Isopropil tank had been misadjusted by a technician the night before, and the error was not detected until it was too late.
          By the time an emergency crew arrived from Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, the elderly scientist was lapsing into a listless lethargy.  Sir Barclay, who now resides in nearby Cheesequake after moving from his native Wales in 1936, expired at 3:02pm, and after repeated attempts by Dr. Doody to revive him, he was pronounced no longer living.  The repair crew remained on the scene and found several other technical problems with the equipment in the operating theater which they claimed Dr. Doody should have been aware of, the worst of which was a Snickers bar jammed into the back of the heart/lung monitor.
(Cont. on page 2)  
 
  FLYING MONKEYS SEEN BY
  SCOTTISH PRIMATOLOGIST

          A startling new observation of primate behavior has recently been made by Mr. Rob Roy MacDougall, an amateur monkey-watcher in the employ of the Edinburgh Small Mammal Conservatory, Hellmouth Division, who has been on an extended vacation in the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains of Gabon.  In what appeared to be a hastily-scribbled letter from the field, he reported to the Nooz seeing cercopithecines actually attempting to fly.  He said that he had several times witnessed a large group of vervet-like primates systematically breaking branches and stripping them of their leaves, tearing down vines and tying the branches together to form a crude type of wing that could theoretically hold them up when they leap off the tops of the tallest m'bili trees, and then carrying these contrivances up into the canopy with them.  Mr. MacDougall noted that a few of the animals managed to make it to the closest adjacent tree, while the majority simply crashed.
          A number of fatal injuries were recorded in Mr. MacDougall's ink-blotched data book, a copy of which he forwarded with his letter. While we here at the Nooz cannot attest to the veracity of the report, it sounds very much like tool use to us, but may in fact just be another form of primate plummeting.  We will try to keep our readers informed of any future developments that might or might not take place in the area of anthropoid aviation.

 

               NOTORIOUS ANIMAL
               SMUGGLER CAUGHT

(AP)  Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  The notorious animal smuggler Ignaas Hussein Vanderbosch, who is of indeterminate national origin, was captured yesterday crossing the border from Switzerland to Liechtenstein with a large illegal shipment of primates, including rare blackbacked macaques and endangered aye-aye-ayes, bluetail guenons, pouched langurs and some giant mouse lemurs.  Many of the animals were found in a diseased and dejected condition in cramped and filthy crates.  They were immediately confiscated and Vanderbosch was fined $100.

 
  Primate Nooz is published every other year on   All Primates Day by the Ralph A. Bennett   Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes,   President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to   every major zoo and animal testing facility in   the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa,   Asia and South America (except Costa Rica).   Back issues (except for Vol. 76) may be   obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o   Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate   Testing Facility, Hellmouth, Arizona.
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