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The trapdoor of history swings on many a rusty hinge, and no matter how much we oil it the squeak never seems to go away.  One such critical juncture in our history was May, 1972.  It was the 200th anniversary of Priestley's discovery of nitric oxide, there was a mine disaster in Kellogg, Idaho, that killed 91 people, Win Wing Wan had just been appointed as the Director of Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, and the very first issue of Primate Nooz burst upon us like a shooting star.  But the event that was to change our dusty little community forever for the worse took place when the first brick was laid for the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.
          Now we like human diseases and primate testing facilities almost as much as the next person, but this particular one has been mismanaged from the beginning.  First came the news of the death of Arnold, our mascot, under mysterious circumstances.  Then the Nooz was shocked to learn of the near-death of Sir Barclay Buffum and the inadvertant decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, both due to negligence and involving a Snickers bar. Now local doctors are reporting an increase in peculiar maladies like Chinamen's elbow and undiagnosed complaints from people who live near the Facility, and we are left wondering just what is going on.
          Do these people seriously believe that the Nooz is not watching them?  Do they think for a moment that we are not scrutinizing their every move in the tiniest detail?  Do they suppose that the suspension of Dr. Dick Doody from the Primate Pathology Department will mollify us?  Do they consider the ire of the Nooz to be of such small magnitude that they can continue to operate with impunity?  Well, we don't know the answers to these questions, but we do know that the recent acquisition of the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation does not bode well for Hellmouth. Meanwhile, the Nooz has other things to occupy our attention, like the rice crisis and the selection of a new mascot.  So on we go.

200 Months Ago Today

        200 months ago today saw the introduction of the inaugural issue of PRIMATE LIFE, one of the Nooz's two sister publications, the other being Primate Week. The slick new publication was written and produced entirely in the town of Cheesequake, Arizona, about fifteen miles east of Hellmouth on the other side of the muddy Horntoad River, and consisted of approximately 78 pages of stylish copy, color photographs and jazzy advertising.  The townspeople of Cheesequake, led by their mayor Buttrum P. Alexander, turned out by the dozen around 11am for a festive celebration in honor of PRIMATE LIFE which filled two streets and lasted until well after noon.

        200 months ago today was the 1st anniversary of Sir Horton Measely's invention of the hydrogen laser spotlight. Sir Horton was never able to perfect the device, which always exhibited a tendency to swing around without warning, emitting hot 1250° beams willy nilly, and burning people severely. Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton and current owner and operator of the spotlight, has had it completely refurbished at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, and has declared it almost safe and ready for use on any of the projects Primate Nooz has now waiting for it, such as illuminating the strange and mysteriously-shaped island of Borneo.

        200 months ago today the first brick was laid for the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility. Although it would be another six years before the second brick was laid, it was nevertheless an auspicious beginning for such an illustrious at that time one-of-a-kind facility.  People and a few idle curiosity-seekers from as far away as Runnamuck crossed the muddy Horntoad River and flocked to Hellmouth to see the brick and admire the way it was placed.  That first brick was pressed by hand at the Hellmouth Brick Kiln by Toby Waterhough, the grandson of a former slave, who unfortunately expired of Dutch lung disease before he could see the ceremonial brick being laid.



(UPI)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  For a long time it has been felt that tarsiers and orangutans are only very distantly related, but a new test developed at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory in north central Tasmania disputes that belief.  The process, called Dendrochondrial Split Gene Mapping and Protein Rearray, which was invented by Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith, and used in their work on Tarsius irritatus and Pongo pygmaeus antiquus, demonstrates that the two are at the very least congeneric and may even be conspecific. Many other primatologists jeered at this idea when it was first announced, but some are now taking a second look.  Drs. Waddamana and Smith attempted to utilize the 36" optical telescope to further their investigations, but regrettably there are neither tarsiers nor orangutans to look at on Tasmania, so this was not helpful.

MONKEY HELL Cont. from page 1.

      The administrator of the facility, Mr. Tyler Kirby, stated that Dr. Doody's professional credentials were being reexamined in the light of this latest incident, coming as it does on the heels of the inadvertant decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, which we reported in the last issue.  He has been temporarily suspended from his duties in the Primate Pathology Department, and will take a leave of absence to work on his Nooz feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner.”  His invitation to replace Mr. George Jefferson at the Page Museum has also been rescinded, and thus the laboratory staff there that was looking forward to his stories of life in Hellmouth will have to look elsewhere.
      Sir Barclay was later resuscitated, and told Primate Nooz an amazing story of life after death, how at the end of a long, dark tunnel there was a brilliant light, and how he emerged into a place that he could only describe as a “monkey hell.”  Unfortunately, we don't have the time or space to go into that right now.

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