Vol. 89,  No. 4
Hellmouth, Arizona
Jul. 10, 1989

  ANT-STREWN AMAZON CLAIMS
  LIFE OF MITSUO OHHOHOHO!
       World-famous researcher, author, Nooz correspondent and international gadabout Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho has apparently disappeared in the poison-filled basin of the ancient ant-strewn Amazon, it was learned yesterday, and is presumed to have perished amidst the giant mud turtles and skipperjacks and Croesus monkeys that noisily inhabit those hot forests.  The veteran primatologist, who books include The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide (1968), My Life with the Macaques (1975), and Mitsuo's Monkeys (1988), was last heard from on Friday when he cabled the Nooz that he was heading into the jungle to search for a rare and difficult-to-find Callitrichid, the flat-footed or ruby-rumped tamarin, a little studied and seldom seen platyrrhine primate with a distinctive black and blue facial pelage color pattern.
        It was Professor Ohhohoho who recently claimed to have discovered a crashed extraterrestial flying machine carrying the remains of a primate bestiary deep in the heart of the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains of Gabon, but he was unable to produce any evidence of his preposterous claim and was held up to widespread derision and ridicule upon his return to the U.S.  Before that, he was reported to have discovered the fabled lost city of the cercopithecines, but that find later was shown to be all that was left of a tourist camp that had been abandoned some years before.
        Ohhohoho had been visiting his friend and mentor Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho, South America's premier primate biologist and somewhat of a gobo root expert, at the Urubupunga Research Station situated on the wandering banks of the
(Cont. on page 2)   
 

  FRUIT TOXINS INSTITUTE
  MOVES TO HELLMOUTH

(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Mayor-elect Frank Pruner announced today that the influential and award-winning Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institute will soon be relocating to Hellmouth, joining our other well-known primate-oriented institutions, the Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center and the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.
        The Institute, which has been in existence for only a year, was originally situated on lonely Moose Island in Newfoundland.  Unfortunate circumstances dictated its move after just three months to West Didbury, Saskat-chewan, then again six weeks later to Tweedsmuir Woods, British Columbia.  There then ensued a dizzying series of moves in quick succession to New Woking, Manitoba, Cheadlesmith, Ontario, Tignish, Prince Edward Island, Upsalquitch, New Brunswick, Eelshead, Nova Scotia, St. Joachim-de-Montmorency, Quebec, and finally to Hellmouth.
        The Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institute is dedicated to the study of equatorial fruit toxins, according to its current Director, Dr. Jean-Jacques LeFebvre, who told the Nooz that its longterm goal is the detoxification of the gobo root.  Mayor-elect Pruner will officiate at the welcoming ceremony, the date of which will be released next week.

 

                PRUNER WINS MAYOR'S
                RACE IN HELLMOUTH

(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  The Hellmouth City Council yesterday declared that Mr. Frank Pruner was the narrow victor in last week's hotly-contested special election to fill the post vacated by former Mayor John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., who died suddenly of an apparent case of gobo root poisoning. Pruner's opponent, local attorney Leedey Coalridge, congratulated the mayor-elect by telephone after the results became official.  Mr. Pruner, 48, is a gobo root farmer and entrepreneur.  He immediately stated that it is his firm intention to coexist with the primate community in Hellmouth.  The Nooz applauded his election.  Both of his children live in Cheesequake.  His term will run until 1993.

 
 Primate Nooz is published whenever there is a  surplus of gobo roots on the world market by the  Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan  Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are  shipped to every major zoo and animal testing  facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of  Africa, South America and Asia (except for Costa  Rica).  Back issues may be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institute,  Hellmouth, AZ.
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